I received a text from my good friend Gideon. It read:

I read it and I felt a pang. How timely God is. It served as a reminder that He sees me....He sees. He sees certain things upon my heart, things that I don't necessarily talk about anymore. And He sends people to assure me even though they're not entirely sure of what they are telling me. I am blessed with wonderful friends, friends who lend you their joy even if they are trying to be joyful themselves. If you think you know what I'm talking about... you may be wrong? It's not about...any particular person or friendship. More about my entire life ethic haha. I don't think many of us realise the mistake we make. The mistake of not putting God first in our lives. Doesn't seem like a big thing, but it is. Honestly it is the biggest mistake any of us could make cos we are not only limiting our own capacity but we are putting a lid for what God could use us for, limiting the plans of God. And this is something I deeply regret.

I haven't thought about all this in a ...very long time. To be candid, I wasn't planning to. It's one thing to laugh and joke about the silly emotional things you used to do. Another thing entirely to look back and see how wasted, how ridiculous, how painful it was. And saying it plain, it's a lonely road. I do feel extremely lonesome at times haha.

Course, more good came out of it. I lost a lot, but I stand to have more to gain.

And I learnt the most important lesson(:

God is God, and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.

Haha, it's been a good school year, it honestly has. God has been faithful. Creating our limited edition Potato Books and imaginary bands and song arrangements with Pam(pom!) in class, writing post its and notes and defiling each others textbooks, doing the crazy Zombie music video dance with the class, singing songs on the bus at the top of our lungs, recesses laughing with the whole gang, oh my boomz and shingz by ritz carlton, epic english lessons with BOTH teachers, jamming on the guitar in free periods, the obama babes in the beginning of the year... it's been a blast. Love 3E5!

I think I've been blessed with good friends...good friends, "good" teachers, (somewhat) good report book, and most definitely a good God.

Now i have about more than a month of holiday! Will make the most of it, outings, sleepovers, shopping trips, good music-hunting, intensive reading ( I found a treasure trove of christian books of my mother's covered in a layer of dust. I can't wait to finish them, in the middle of Purpose Driven Life now!) I won't miss the tests, the waking up early, the lessons. But in a twisted way, haha, I think I'll miss school.

Of course when school starts again next year, i'll look back on this post and question my sanity.

[ edit ] Catching up with my dear dear Elaine today for a short while totally made me happy:D grins. Also! Heart to hearts and swings w Annywanny in the evening! Love them both very very much((((: [/edit]

A couple things i've realised, first being, I used to journal less and blog more, but now I blog less and pen my thoughts down more frequently and i think thats a good thing! I've been looking back a lot, and I'm really amazed. God has been so good to me

I'm going to miss my cell a looooottt!!!! Ahhh how can it be November alreadyy, we're rushing headlong into our last few sessions with each other :( All of them are so important to me la. Like this saturday we were laughing and suaning each other like mad hehe. Can't imagine FUEL without this crasy bunch.

And its a completely different thing....knowing, really really knowing that God is still God, and having that dependance on Him...it ceases to be a mantra drilled into you by leaders and friends alike, and it becomes something you live by and i think its so powerful.

Headstart is not cool. Everyone is galavanting and I am waking up at 6.30 every morning still. But me and Pam have started Potato Book Volume II (Headstart Edition) and it will see us through! Nodds. (jiayou for Os pom!) Hannah and all are going to the flea. And I'm going for LCE. OH WELL.

"And yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into your glory" Psalms 73:23

How this speaks so true...and yet i am always with you.

So yes, after school where we got back our results- which i shall refrain from talking about, except saying sardonically that, yes, dreams do come true after all. Ugh! - I met Elaine (ducky) in town where we sat outside the cinema talking rubbish, watching youtube videos and taking unglam pictures with her photobooth ( btw elaine gay send them to me :DD ) for one hour which passed fairly quick. Then we watched My Sister's Keeper. I must say it is a beautiful movie. Elaine and I were literally sobbing on each other halfway through the movie, not to mention the ending, heh! After that we were both rather stone-y and very cold so we chatted over a big mug of hot chocolate before going home.

The movie was really a tear jerker, and not only that but it provoked deep and meaningful self introspection questions such as, What would I look like if I were bald? Haha joking. Seriously though, it makes one wonder. As Elaine said, why does the idea of death make us so sad? Is it because death connects us all, we all know its painful and inevitable and even though as christians we know it is not a final goodbye...it never really feels that way? And to love someone so much that you would die in her stead, that you would stand to watch her die. To love someone so fiercely you would give up your life, to fight her battles everyday...and eventually let her go?

Letting go. Living life. Life is wasted, I realised if we try to control our circumstances, control what was meant to be. Sometimes all we need to do is give up...and know the battle is not ours for the fighting, know that whats done is done and it cannot be changed and all that is left to do is to move on, to let go. Life is meant to be lived, to be spent loving and being loved and cherishing every second of it. Nodds.

PS I like this song very much.

I really really am.

The past weekend has been crazy and i do mean simply crazy and haywire and completely stressful. First of all there's the busking dance to choreograph so i kissed my long weekend goodbye quite entirely (not that i didn't manage to have fun, or as Elaine puts it "party time") Tomorrow's performance and i think many of us are stressing out. Sighs. Oh you know i realised while talking to Ben on MSN that i overuse the word "sigh" and shouldn't do that cos it makes people think you're unhappy haha. Which i am okay. ShuJing and I watched an utterly terrible 2 hours of boredom and fidgeting movie yesterday and were broke for dinner HAHA.

Anyway digressed. Secondly there's this thing that is driving me mad. Haha. I guess all of us were kind of freaked over the weekend. So many shades of gray... I've never been in such a situation before where doing the right thing felt wrong and doing the wrong thing..also felt wrong haha. So i did the right thing and promptly felt horrible.

But you know God has been amazing me. You know ever since the beginning of this year, whenever i had a crap weekend, on Monday Singspirations, they would sing a song that would speak to my heart. And P.Andy really affirmed me on Saturday on what I've been feeling for some time. And my time alone has been refreshing. So yes, God has been so amazing. But you know what, some part of me hungers for more. Is it holy dissatisfaction, or am I shortchanging myself? I feel like i am floundering emotionally. Somehow emotions and theory in spiritual terms have merged from something so distinct to something i cannot separate. I feel like i am missing out. Every service i feel like i am missing out. Every worship session i feel like i am missing out.

But despite this, I lift my eyes and hope and I pray. And i know right now, its feels like its been unbearably long....and I've ceased to discuss this (whatever this is) even with my own self, not that i talk to myself, mind you. Hahah. But I know that...what keeps me grounded amidst the empty...the dry...the confusion, is God. Its God that keeps me grounded. I used to understand it in theory and not in practice but now its the reverse way. I do not understand how I can keep going, without turning to man. But I do survive and maybe this is because I am learning. Maybe this is because I am growing and however slow it is, I am beginning to trust what i cannot see. And focus on my Maker. I will lift my eyes to the Lord, from whence my help comes from. Because the name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.

( Yes i am having a good talk with PGary now. He's so awesome la. Reminder that...someone believes in me. That someone understands. He says i will grow out of this. GOOD TO KNOW hahah)

riel ; says:
silly me is learnin
jesusfreakie says:
yes u are
jesusfreakie says:
well
jesusfreakie says:
the silly u at least is hanging on to God

EXAMS are overrrrrrrrrrrrrr! *big grin*

To Jelly:

Blessed belated birthday! Thank you for being my own personal ray of sunshine, always brightening my day and reminding me that life is not always stormy. For all the times you've camped out at my place, for all the times i got lost going to yours, for all our soup spoon lunches and starbucks meetings and failed studying attempts and swimming and sleepovers and heart to heart chats. For all the times you've watched me cry. gave me hugs, prayed for me, been there. For the secrets we share and the nonsense we talk, paoface 1 and 2 from then till now. For all the silly songs we sing and for all the guitar playing we do,for all the laughs we share, what would i do without you?

Thanks bestfriend, have a blessed 15th!