-Benny (love you benn!)

Mmm, and yesterday at altar call, God just reminded me of the things He has promised me two years ago, about my school, about me. That He hasn't forgotten, and He will come, in His timing not mine. I just need to pray and seek and believe. And when Sister FrannyWanny came over and prayed for me it shifted into an even deeper level. Lemme quote from memory.

"Give her a new anointing. Not just that of a child, but of a warrior princess, with fierce courage....O God, break her down, break her so you can build her up again. Yes, Ariel, you will be broken. You will struggle. God will break you and break you and break you, over and over again and you will cry out why, why, why. But in your brokenness He will pour out, in your brokenness He will heal, through your brokenness you will be made stronger than before, find yourself doing things you've never done before, through your brokenness something beautiful will be done. And then you will be built up again...... Thank you God for letting her realise her fragility, her fragility and vulnerability in you....And even as you continue to walk with God, He will not only began to reveal more of Him in you, but you will see more of you, in you. Yes, God will show you your character, your past triumphs, your past disappointments. Mm, Ariel, even your disappointments, He will resurface them so you can face them and deal with them because they are a part of you and make you, you. And so, you will not be kept. You will not be kept by your fears, kept by your...inadequacies...your insecurities, you will not be kept by, yourself."

It was so amazing for her to sense all of these things that i have never told her, amazing for her to tell me all these things that i failed to see. That yes, i'll find myself in God. But i can find myself in me, too. And yes, i will be broken. But in the brokenness there is You. And once again, as everyone's been saying. The only obstacle to me, is me.

And then afterwards we had a nice heart to heart cos i blurted out some things thats been on my heart for very long and i feel alot and i do mean a lot better now.

And the things around me may not be okay. But i know and i know and i know that i am okay.

As surely as the sun will rise...He'll come.

this post is for you

Happy belated birthday! I hope you got the biggest shock of your life yesterday(: hehe

You mean so crazy much to me. I look back on all we've stood through together and i smile because we couldn't have done it without each other. The times we would emo together and have combined suicide and leaving church pacts and the thousand and one other emo things we have talked about. And the laughter. The bouts of crazy nonsensical without reason laughter, they way we would laugh and laugh and laugh until we cried. Swimming and attempting to study with the gang at my old place, camwhorring like the closet bimbos we are using the photobooth, heart to hearting like there's no tomorrow.

Thank you for being the one to give me that verbal slap so i would wake up my idea, scold me to no end because you love me, put up with all my nonsense because you care. I really cannot fathom your patience with me. And I won't be the Ariel i am today without your constant believing in me. Cheesy, mushy, but true. I just hope you know how very appreciated you are.

I tried imagining life without you in it.

And i cant.

I really really cant

So cheers to the fact you were born 1 year and a day ago, to the fact there is an Esther Lee in my life!

[edit 9.15]

Last night we surprised esthercoolio(: hehe. The, say 15, of us trooping into Coffee Bean singing Happy Birthday at the top our voices. And chilling at the rooftop and chatting quietly to each other. It wasn't the usual ha-ha-ha-i'm-having-so-much-fun kind of time. It was more of the peaceful enjoying of each others company, contented in the simple being next to each other. Be it laughing at Hannah and FuWei's pitiful attempt at cutting cake, to the chomping on my Subway sitting next to Fuwei doing his ministry things and occasionally commenting. Or heart to hearting with Sister Esther about being real to ourselves. Or talking to chu as we went home at around 9 plus, the good girls we are. It was nice just being with her(: i love chuyi. let me quote her here.

V. true huh.

just for the record, I am posting somewhere else too, because...well just because i need to be open to myself(: But it's not permanent so nodds. Still updating here n everyth(: K moving on.

I met Sister Hannah ytd heehee. We went to eat at coro and we talked about everyth under the sun and laughed like crazy. We went to a christian bookshop ( THERES A CHRISTIAN BOOKSHOP AT CORO :DDD ) and then we went GROCERY SHOPPING for sis hannah's mummy hurhur. It was really really funny trying to figure out what "shoulder butt" was, quote sis hannah "they're so far apart!" hahaha we found out its meat. collarbone meat. anyway! and we lugged around the 5kg Spin hahaha. And we just went really high laughing at anyth and everyth in the hilarity of the situation. smiles(: sis hannah is awesome. cant wait till she gets her license, she promised to drive me around x) hehe. Mm and she introduced me to a song that i have completely fallen in love with.

As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
In my life, you're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you

When you caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rushed to set me free
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you

Well, they lied.

( edit 6.00pm )

elaine pls dont kill me:D

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ah, the battle call sounding. Our God will fight for us. Have you ever heard such a fierce, declarative, trusting, assuring, inspiring, faith-filled statement? Our God will fight for us. Amen.

_ _ _ _

I sound so contemplative.

I probably am. I am a very contemplative person. Which is a nicer way of saying i think too much and my brains simply on overdrive. School's been leaving me coming home so frazzled with the hundreds of different things i need to do and it's so stressful i tell you. You know even i don't know why i'm so frazzled :/ Don't tell me i'm like stressed for no reason tt wld be quite funny.

Anyw i rmb making a mental note to blog abt my fun day in class this afternoon.

OKAY PAM SAY WAS HIGH TODAY. Scarily high. Like in chem she wrote me this really dumb siao letter and stole all carolyn's pens. tsktsk. hahah we laughed so much today like in Amath we starting laughing for no reason and wrote this story. I shall post the picture up. Cos there are illustrations. yay us XD we are so pro. hehehe PIG LOVES POTATO PAM (: idk why i started calling her potato. but its so cute she responds okay ahhaha.

then in english like we all went high telling Karen Tay about like TV shows and Desperate Housewives and how they teach you abt unprotected sex AND FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES OKAY. DO NOT USE ME AS AN EXAMPLE. Hahha. I secretly think they're all kinda not v gd looking. i watch gossip girl. where everyone is hot. and i want season3. out. now. D: anyway, digression. Yeah and we burst out into random song and i laughed until i cried. ahahah with Karyne( the unlikely asst head prefect) and Chien Hui behind me and pam we end up singing alot hurhur. And i dont mind because we're glorifying God with our voices in class and tts such a good thing(:

Oh i rmb ytd before dance nicole( the v unlikely head prefect) , sarah and i went to the piano, ( they put one in the canteen. but after hearing nicole play i feel v intimidated and noob so im nt gonna play xp) and she started playing still then this whole bunch of sec3s gathered round to sing along(: hehs. Oh dance! I didnt realised how much i missed the familiar tracks and exercises and ms fong and the dancers and the pohster. Me and TianXinTian were being noob nerds and char and i were dancing lying on the floor and then nic and sarah joined us after the moral reasoning workshop i had to attend the day before for pp with no morals, tsktsk. haha yay i love all my friends (x

After sch i went to the doctors to check out my foot, apparently my achilles tendon is inflamed and its a reccuring injury which means if it doesnt heal up properly this time the littlest thing could set it off next time and it'll take months to heal and the smallest action cld cause it to flare up again so its v v impt tt it heals up fine IF NOT I CANT DANCE ALR. and its sth tts really worrying me :/

And when i got home tdy i chatted away with Hannah and we got really stupid and she made me laugh so hard, hehe i love her to bits, i wld post our convo here but its kind of...HAHA. Oh wells. Its hilarious. I was laughing in front of my com screen like some weirdo.

Anyw God and I have been close lately. I'm v happy abt tt cos He is my bestfriend after all. bigsmiles. Three cheers for God, who's been putting me back on track and refocusing me on the things that matter most. You know i was doing this facebook application quiz, Which Bible Book Are You, and one question was Choose One Word To Describe Yourself. and out of the 8 options, i chose the word, created. Because that's what i am. I am created and there's not a more apt word, more concise and meaningful word to describe me(: My close friends will get where i am coming from. I serve an amazing God. An amazing, amazing God.

The sky was beautiful today. The clouds were glowing with some hidden light, perfectly shaped and arranged in the sky as if God had painted this pretty picture just for me to see, hung in the sky just so, the different hues just so, the light shining through just so.

And i sort of imagined that if God was going to return to us it may be on like an evening just like this one. His glory would fill the skies with an amazing light and the air would be filled with something fierce, unmistakable. Jesus Christ, El Shaddai, Jehovah Jireh, Adonai, Alpha and Omega, the same Shepherd who came to rescue his beloved sheep so many years ago, would be here again.

After a thought-provoking short sermon and lives being returned to the arms of the loving Father I slinked off to the back to Hannah. This are excerpts of what she told me.

And after she said those last few words i just started to cry.

Its a journey, its a journey. And I'm my biggest enemy. What people tell me make sense. Guess I'm the only one not making sense to myself? I'm not going to love myself overnight, though. It's a journey that God and I have to walk through together. And at the end of the day, i have the victory. And I know that with the same quiet confidence that i have that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.

And so, i dedicate this post to Hannah Lee Jia Yi ( mdm chua. ahem. coughs. lol)

Thank you. I know i MIA-ed awhile but after Friday night's HTHT i'm so sure we're as tight as ever. And i thank God for you, i really do, not for the sake of it but because i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I know you really understand, everything i go through. I pour out my silly 15-year old worries and you share me you 18-year old ones. We laugh, we talk about the most absurd, silly, crazy, utterly wrong and shouldnt ever be talked about things, we heart to heart like nobodies business, we share everything with each other with no pretenses to hide behind and its an equal exchange. I can tell you the nutsy-est things and it doesnt even matter because youre equally as nutsy. hurhur. You're so dear to me you know that?

And spending all that time with me after service today, talking things through with me, making me see reason, explaining everything in such a simple way i could have slapped myself for not seeing it earlier. You helped me see. You really did and right now i feel so hopeful. I really do. I feel hope, I feel conviction. That I'm gonna take the irreversible step forward and not look back to the old. That I am good. There's really no one like you Hannah, you're just so one kind. And i believe in you so much, so much. I believe that you too are called. And that you are gonna walk in this destiny and you're going to shine so brightly. You're also so much stronger than you think you are. You have so much more in you than you think you have. And you mean so much to me and to every single one around you, so don't forget. You are loved(:

_ _ _ _

The little things make up the big picture, Hannah said to me, and she's so right. Charlotte's silly smiley message, PiWei telling me, " You have a great calling", Becky, signing out for me. Esther, sending me a encouraging song, Lynn giving us candy from Europe, ChuYi texting me asking, You alright dear? Alison and Jelly giving me a hug. Eugene poking me as way of saying hello. Ben passing me his candy. Reuben calling me over and cheering me up and making me go ttly high praising God. Gabriel Fang patting my back and saying everything's gonna be okay. Hannah pulling the HTHT sisters in for picture taking.

These small things. They make my day. They matter. They matter a lot.

Thank you(:

I've got my priorities straight. I need to trust you, trust our friendship and know there's not a need to fight to win you over. Know our friendship's not based on how many times we talk/ see each other. But really, i cant figure you out. You leave me hanging almost all the time yet i can't tear myself away, even though sometimes around you i feel just so useless. You mean something to me. A lot to me. I know you know that. But what do i mean to you?

If you think that was me....

I don't really know what to say to you(:

Anyway on tuesday Pam came over after school and we jammed away in the playground.

wednesday and thursday i took up permanent residence on the couch.

I swear on thursday i only moved my butt four times, one to grab my phone, one to eat lunch, one to grab a book, and one to eat dinner.

The rest of the time i either slept/read or watched Ellen Degeneres or The Nanny. Not Oprah. Because Oprah is boring. And yeah being sick is no fun. at all. And i was telling Elaine, i'd rather be in school. Because on Thursday it ( the cold) got so bad that my ears were blocked up too, other than being tired and unable to breathe properly and feverish and nauseous. And it hurt. A lot. ( low pain threshold) and so. I shall spare you the details and just say that i hate being sick even though it allows you to miss school.

I was so grumpy ttm, thank God for Elaine my fellow pig who cheered me up ( yes i was a self proclaimed lazy pig) with her comforting silly words and made me smile. And Charlotte who sent me a ":D" text for absolutely no reason other than she felt like smiling at me. Awws(: i have great jies hurhur. I slept more than i was awake basically over those two days. The couch is very comfy(: Haha, Tong ( my 7 year long with a bit of gaps inbetween bimbo friend) is sick too. And she too is claiming the couch as her second bed. Cheers to the couch pigs(:

And sorry to disappoint you girls, not H1N1. No quarantine required haha.

BUT i'm better now! So i could go back to school and get grossed out by Mrs Tay who used up 45min of her lesson story telling us about her pregnancy ( No way im having a kid now) and squeezing into our allocated eating home cooked food for recess. Ah, bliss.

Haha, and then after school Pam came over and we pigged out (pardon the pun) on ice cream and gave up on watching Oprah and went on the comp instead. We spilt the ice cream all over the place, my dream of being a scoopy at B&Js is now dashed to smithereens, sigh.

Yay i'm gonna watch Ellen now(:

_ _ _ _

And that's as me.

Not as friend Ariel, or high Ariel, or SP Ariel, or dancer Ariel, or dao Ariel or whatever other tag or label that precedes me but just Ariel, no masks to hide behind, no facades to cover up with and He loves me all the same, and that is beautiful, that is so beautiful, thank You for loving me, O God.

overall it was v. v. good. Even though we laughed inappropriately at certain parts. Like when Eugene Kwok swept Delise off her feet. ahem. coughs. lol.

-edit 12.20am-

Talking to Benny is somewhat therapeutic.

And to quote her, i really need to set up my altar for God at home, cry a lot a lot, release and let go. but right now... i can't.

_ _ _ _

And i have to thank God for such good friends, that He gave me so many people to encourage me and stick by me, and sometimes the most unexpected ones! Shalyn, whom i called Thursday night when i was really overwhelmed. I had other people in mind that i wanted to talk to but i'm really so glad in the end it was her who stood by me that night(: I've been really blessed by her and her butterfly glitter stick on tattoos. OH hahah we all had them including the manliest of the bunch, gene and adriel.

And then, Gabriel Fang with the hidden depth. But really i was really very encouraged and bolstered by what he told me and Fang really has a lot in him that most people don't get the chance to see-his nice side. Haha, i kid but really i'm glad we were stuck together for the whole thursday life conference session. We talked and shared about random, stupid, utterly gross and deep things. And it was very interesting seeing the PL girls make fun of him because it reminded me of like how me and fang were like last time, constantly jumping down each others throats and aggravating each other just for the fun of it. I have to admit i had a certain feeling of superiority hahah when i watched them and i suddenly felt like i had known Fang for long ages. Its safe to say that Fang and I are tiiighht now haha. He really was like looking after me the past few days ( theres a hidden gentlemen in him ) and God's been speaking to him about me, i am very grateful.

And Charlotte! another new life conference friend. She's elaine's long time friend and she was telling me about the scandals of their time haha. And she was being so nice and concerned for me when i was really zoned out, tired and upset(: She, Ben, Eugene and I were like eating KFC and subject hopping and digressing madly and laughing and being unglam eaters and forgetting or train of thought/conversation i enjoyed myself very much that dinner(: She's just so sweet and petite and i love her ttm:D

Of course there's becky whos always always there always has been always will be:D and how could i forget FUWEI:D i had a nice talk with him before jams today, in which the sectionals, elaine was mentoring, applause for SISTER ELAINE hehe. Sam and I were abusing her status, it was funny. "If SISTER elaine says so...." AND SISTER HANNAH CAME BACK. When i saw he i tried to sneak up on her but she was like "ariel what you doing come out!" and i just squealed and ran to her and gave her a big really long hug the longest hug ever and after that i had this gigantic grin plastered on my face and i went back to ann giggling and then she made fun of me, walau. anyway digression! Yeah and we had a short heart to heart, more to come. FuWei's really like my big brother, the countless times he's been there for me when i needed someone.

Looking at the whole post, i think i'm very blessed. God's given me good friends, as Elaine said. Of course not forgetting Elaine in the bunch of good friends. And many other good friends i've failed to mention as it doesnt really pertain to the past few days.

So overall life conference was good, the plenary sessions and revival meetings spoke to me alot and yeah i'm quite disappointed that i missed the second day but well, God have your way.

There's quite a lot of things i need to surrender.

You know i hate not being okay because i hate seeming weak. And i havent been totally okay in the longest time, really. But i'm just trusting God will bring me through, as Elaine would say.

We went notebook hunting at Cathay, then Taka and Borders. If left up to Elaine we'd have ended up at a) Marina Bay b) knocked down by a taxi. Hahah we almost took the wrong train! Oh and we saw Eugene Kwok coming from a hehehe secreeeetttt. Elaine was all sad and sulky (HAHA only she and i know how exactly sad she was) and busy moaning howhowhooow because she needed a TAWG notebook but in the end we managed to find a nice book with neon pink insides, heehee. And then she was sad and whiny because she was broke, how very elaine of her haha. Oh and we were looking at funny postcards hehe and we were just talking and talking yayy. We always have this argument of maturity and its really quite hilarious to see her defending her supposed mature demeanor and subsequently squealing over a tiny monkey hat or the like. Elaine, oh elaine. How very mature thou art. OH NAT I KNOW WHO PAUL FRANK IS NOW HAHA. And we both are very much predictable to each other. She's supremely picky and i have a tin pencilbox. Nodds. Haha. Oh and we kept static-ing each other the whoooolleee day haha.

I have to keep reminding myself she's an IGNYTE leader now, its dead easy to forget. I am very proud of her for sacrificing what she did, how she's handling everything now. She's so strong and made of steel and spendour haha. It's really, truly not easy for her and her dedication and love for her youths is so commendable. I guess i'm saying it for all the leaders, there's a lot they do for us that we don't see, and i'm just getting to see it with Elaine, because though she is a leader she is firstly and foremostly my best girlfriend-sister. They should have a name for these kind of friendships haha. Anyway i really appreciate her and all she's done for me.

I had a very good talk with Pastor Gary yesterday, its always good knowing someone really believes in you. We were talking about insecurities and where you find your stability in and how you can ground yourself in God. Good stuff i learn a lot from this powerful man of faith. New season and that means a new verse here it is Psalms 51:17

To just remind me what exactly i should lay at the foot of the cross, and how the condition of my heart should be and most importantly how i should always always always come before God. I'm not sure if its a funny verse for a season but whenever i hear this verse something always clicks in my spirit and i will always say, O God, take all of me.

It's never instantaneous, it's a process. A process i will continue in until God has finished His refining, until the dross and impurities are removed. Long enough for Him to finish His work, not so long as for me to burn out. God you know me inside out, outside in. My whole life is yours, i give it all, surrendered to Your Name. And forever i will pray, have Your way, have Your way.

Proverbs 17:3

The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold,
But the LORD tests the hearts.

I met her at 1ish and then we shopped around. We walked in circles EVERYWHERE.
We went from Orchad MRT to Wisma to Lido to Wheelock to Lido to Far East to Taka to Wisma to Wheelock and then finally to the bus stop i think we burned plenty of calories.
We went nuts over cute kiddy clothes that were so teensy tiny. We went to all the kids section and Elaine made it her aim to find all the cute small girl kind dresses and use me as her model hah. It was like shopping with my older sis, actually it kinda was(:

Then we went to Starbucks and i saw Chyna who thought me and Elaine were like sisters, pretty cool huh! Coffee and cake and chilling with the philippina ( HAHHA) and then we went to watch Hannah Montana.
Yes, Hannah Montana.
I know, i very evidently expressed my disapproval of the Disney Channel Movie butttttttttt! there really wasnt anyth else to watch! heh. and it wasn't that bad. Except Elaine and I laughed at all the wrong bits that i think the little kids found not in the least bit stupid. Not laugh, guffawed. Really loudly. Really. And then the cute cowboy came on omgomgomg everytime he smiled elaine and i would squeal and giggle and grin madly at each other like a pair of loons. After the movie we saw a shirt that said I heart cowboys, how very very very apt haha. But the ending was so unrealistic elaine and I were laughing while the rest of the kiddies were singing along, haha! I think elaine was the oldest there. And we picked out clothes tt Miley Cirus would wear haha and we laughed nonstop abt the heiniken advertisement haha and she told me all about her mission trip, yay she survived, and about balut, HAHA and oh my it was just really nice catching up

I love shopping with elaine she has v good taste haha! I really like spending time with Elaine because well she is the bigger me after all and Elaine has this funny way of making me feel like I'm special, I matter and it's something I used to depend on alot but not anymore. I enjoy her company and I think we complement each other well(: I think God planned out friendship v nicely n a few months ago I know I thought the exact opposite but I'm glad things turned out the way they did. No matter what she'll always be my jie and I think tt some things never change and some people never really leave your life, despite circumstances. I think some friends will always be special to you, there will always be different phases but it won't change anyth and yeah(: elaine is one of those people.

Then on Thursday was SP Empowerment where God moved powerfully and really restored me and brought closure to the old season i was in. I think ever since like feb event i never really moved on frm there ive been kind of stagnating and not being grounded in God so like i've been up and down and up and down and it was just so hard to keep running and running and running and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but i guess you dont need to see it to believe its there. And at one point i tried to be strong because like Ariel Tan was so strong i wanted to be like her and i didn't want Elaine thinking i was any lesser. and a part of me was always feeling not good enough.

when i felt inadequate i looked for other things to satisfy myself. friendships, love, achievements, words of encouragement, affections, position, acknowledgement. and this became a part of me, something that rooted itself so deep inside me that after awhile i just accepted it for what it was, that i'll always feel simply not good enough and there's no other remedy than this.

i kept going to those empty wells....until yesterday when God sent FuWei to me to pray over me in such a powerful and prophetic manner. Something about his prayer really woke me up. It felt like a slap in the face. A good one. hah that doesnt sound right but who says it has to. And at that moment something within broke and i fell to my knees sobbing and returning to God and saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, take all of me, take all of me. to live for christ is to die to myself and i think yesterday i did. Time Of Death :5.40pm. or sth like that and yes it was so painful because it was something i was so used to and God was just uprooting me and planting me in new soil, godly soil.
I was so broken yesterday, broken before the Lord.

And during the annointing point of time God's presence overwhelmed me and as i lay there i saw a picture, a picture of a tree being uprooted and being placed in new soil but it was surrounded with slabs of concrete but God told me, I am moving you out of your old ways and into the new, and even as you press on and war, war against your obstacles, you will overcome and claim victory because you will be so hungry, so hungry to draw near to me, to draw from the source, to yearn after the things of mine. and even as He spoke i saw cracks lining the concrete as the roots warred against it.
And God told me He would give me a new heart. A heart for His people, a heart for my generation, a heart that would bury itself in all things of God, a heart that would be bold and fearless, a heart that would not long after self gratification but God gratification. It was truly a breakthrough in spirit for me.

Another highlight my dear buddy Shalyn(: i think it was ttly planned out by God because by lunch we were already sharing deep things, giggling, taking pictures in the bathroom. And when we had dinner Shalyn and I sort of sat on the steps and ranted and it was nice(: She's really really sweet, such a dear.

Then jelly slept over, hehe!

_ _ _ _

Tag replies:

Shana: Sureee thing:D covenantals!

Gid- Yayyy random talks and laughter soon k giddy:D

Ting Yan- Haha most welcome dearie(:

Val- Yesssss you too are a beloved child of God. Miss you like the SUN MOON AND STARS. heehee

Alison- Hello my dear blur queen. Yes yes yes. very very soon! :D

_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _

As Ms Fong said in dance today, " All of you girls are tired. But some of you, when you are tired, you give up on yourselves. Don't do that"

And i think this unexpected sliver of wisdom from my otherwise cute-lovable-funnaye-blur-ultimate- fave dance teacher can apply to much more than dance.

I love dance, i love dance. When i dance i feel alive, when i dance, i thrive, when i dance a smile wreathes my face and i'm suffused with this euphoria and i feel like everything is magic and i can wrap the world round my little finger. When i dance well, i feel like i can do anything, anything at all.

I love my dance mates, i love how we're so bonded and together. Dance the past two days have totally made me smile. From Ms Fong's funny mid-sentence pauses, being Paulina Poriskova and teaching us how to tell horror stories, to our favourite phrases, "CAN YOU NOT" and "No...just...no", to roundhouse kicking each others butts, to dancing our beloved Metamorphosis, all in the name of fun, to lying on top of each other in one huge pile, legs in a tangled heap and talking, to catching each others eyes mid-dance and grinning at each other, to all the epic epic epic moments, HAHA you know what i mean, to laughing and screaming and giggling and all our trips to macs and back, this gaggle of confident, cool, crazy girls in black.

I have no clue when this whole family spirit started, when it began to percolate through the dancers, but i am so blessed to have all of them, i have no idea what i'd do without them. Cheers to our Bintan chalet trip and speaking with a British twang and finding British husbands and midnight scary movies and CAN YOU NOTs. Char, Sarah, Izzie, Xin Tian, Yu Xuan, Nicole, the whole bunch of you, lovelovelove, i am so grateful.

On my very long walk home from dance today, What If played on my iPod, and i thought back to EXIT. Ah, good times. And one thought led to another, about how i thought things were, how i perceived them as, thought it may or may not have been necessarily the case. And i came to the conclusion that on the inside we're all the same really. Some of us hide it better than others but basically when everything is stripped away and the facades are gone and the pretenses have dissipated, we all fear the same things, yearn for the same things.

And we all need God.

I think there were many things that came to light into todays service that i had simply grown too accustomed to, to notice that they were there.

After service Brother Titus came up to me and wanted to talk to me. We sat down and he told me how God showed him a picture of some things. And then he prayed for me and i started to cry. haha, so embarrassing i kept wiping my eyes so he couldnt tell when he looked up haha. But what he said and the picture and words God placed in his heart about me were accurate and true, and each and every thing he said hit each and every of those numb spots.

After that i kind of sat beside Esther, buried my face in my hands and cried. And jelly came over to comfort me like old times. And i cried even more when i started talking about it. heh. After that I headed over to Sis Fran, where she asked me how were things. Then we sat and had a good talk and the first prayer of the season of her being back, ahah, as she phrased it. Something v comforting about talking to her. Heart Sis Fran ttm(: Ya-ya-papaya friend:D

Its all well and good saying you are strong in God. It works, very well. Of course things will be easier to face knowing God is on our side. But only if you admit you are tired first. Which i guess i haven't done.

Yes, things are hard. Yes, i am tired. But yes, God will strengthen me.

Ahh, sounds much better(:

After all that there was the usual indecision and "where are we going ah" it was almost like back in the "sua che and toh" brother-sisterhood days, ah how i miss them, wave of nostalgia incoming.

Do i make sense?

Guess not but anyway, half of them headed down to lido to watch Pop It Lock It Polka Dot It Countrify It Hip Hop It Ms Hannah Montana ( expressing my disdain in the excessively long title) have fun wasting your time and money friends! While Eugene, Abel, Ivan, Fredrick, Adriel and a couple other boys went down to Adam Hawker to eat lunch. I wasnt the only girl, as abel said, i had eugene. HAHA. Oh my Abel was in suaning mode today. And Eugene was oh so condescending and up in the air, hahaha. I have a new name now. Small Girl. Oh, goodie. And Adriel just had to sit next to me and intimidate me while i was eating.

Hmm, next week i'm busy on monday and tuesday, Modern Dance! Yayy. Hahha, i shall get Nicole to write my speech yeah Char. Thursday is Empowerment and the rest i am free so book me for GSS shopping and dates and whatnot:D

Nope, i havent touched my holiday homework.

We sang, we laughed, we stole things.

Not really, actually.

We giggled, we chatted.

It made my day.

Miss you much. Not only Esther...Shana, ChuYi. Valerina, Janella, Rebecca, Gideon, Krystle, Carolyn, Alison. Elaine Gay.

Yes, miss you much. When i think of you, i think of how time flies and widens the gap between the times where we spent time with each other, of how we spin in the same circles and pass each other by. When i think of you, i make lists of things to tell you, which i promptly forget when i see you again. When i think of you, my mind conjures up images of the old times where we were still as busy, but had so much more time for each other. When i think of you, i count down to when i can see you again. When i think of you, i pray for you. I pray for you, every night.

For such a powerful service, i feel strangely empty.

But i know encountering God is not limited to the Trinity@Adam Chapel.

When you come to the realization that God is the sole purpose for your existence, that He determines when you sit and when you rise, that He is first priority, that His Words should be the words that comfort you, spur you on, make you find meaning in the simple act of getting up every morning, that He comes first....

He comes first.

_ _ __