It's been one mad year...even now things aren't exactly smooth sailing...( i like using "....") but I'm still here, still very much me, saying all the wrong things, trying too hard, tripping over my own feet, giving myself to God day after day and Him, watching over me and making sure I don't stumble too far(: It seems almost impossible to sum up the year...how, though it is over-used and the ultimate cliche, God has been good, so good. How, He helped me to love...and to learn. How He broke my stubborn little heart and as I was spilled out before His Feet, I was the closest to Him I've ever been.

Even though it's slightly redundant to "express yourself" because in reality you never truly can, I want to try. You know expressing myself in words is like trying to capture the wind. My thoughts and emotions are too fleeting, so much that they constantly evade my grasp. Words cannot bring forth my meaning, and I feel frustrated. Heh.

It's so funny the way God works...and it's so funny they way we think and our minds work. How many times do we fool ourselves into thinking we would serve God with everything, but in reality, it's merely lip service. How many times do we convince ourselves we are living a holy life, and that we have fully abandoned ourselves at His Feet, how many times do we think we are "over it", over our problems, our brokenness, how many times do we insist "No...that is not my bondage...no, I have already surrendered" but God knows, God knows. No matter how we present ourselves, He knows how rotten we are on the inside.

And because of this...I stood on the outer courts. Because when you step into God's inner courts, you step into His Holy Presence, and that exposes us...exposes our brokenness and flaws and hidden sin. We are confronted with truth and many a time, these are things we avoid. I didn't step into the inner courts because I was afraid of what I would find, I was afraid of the revelation of myself...of what my heart has become.

But on Sunday I knelt at my seat...and someone came to pray for me while i was kneeling in my seat. Right where I was, I built my own altar...and as I knelt, I cried...I cried hard, I cried because i was thankful and I cried because I needed to so badly, I cried because what was broken was becoming whole and I promised God that it would be the last time I would shed tears for this past of mine, that I would walk forward in the healing and freedom He would bring. There is no immediate healing...no instantaneous freedom but at least...at least my heart is in the right place now.

On a lighter note CHENG CAME BACK TODAY! Had lunch with Sis Kassey and her and becs and jing and jin at plaza sing! I was so happy to see her. I wore heels today so my feet killed but for once i was relatively tall. On friday went out for dim sum with the gang too. Would be going to lynn's place tomorrow... meeting up with my camp group...and ann...and elaine...and becs(to do last minute until cannot last minute alr christmas shopping)....doing homework!!!! In the vast department of homework I am in heaps of trouble. Oh dear me!

Well, Maldives was simply lovely and everything was gorgeous. The sun, sand and sea were really just unbelievably beautiful. It was amazing being surrounded by God's creation. Went snorkeling, saw coral reefs and sharks and stingrays and such, tanned everyday, made many new friends in Club Med, had fun with the GOs, swam in the sea, ate myself to death, came back burnt.

I have acquired new nicknames! Among them are, blacky, indian, rendang, you get the picture. The variety just...boggles the mind, doesn't it. Haha.

And camp IGNORMOUS. God blew me away. He kept us safe during the long and late bus ride down with the guys and (thank God for her) my dearest Jolyn. Jo is awesome, really. And throughout the camp, with the many encounters with Him, and His Love and how He met all my expectations. The repentance, the coming before God on bended knee and seeking forgiveness for my negligence of His most important agenda. Standing before God and worshipping Him, really worshipping with abandonment, crying at the altars and being set free from the hurt and regret and certain things I've held onto over the course of the year.

It was entirely just beyond words, and I want to serve Him all my days.

Encountering Him in this way...well worth the six month wait. He told me "I will open your eyes to see" and I can see, I can see beyond the physical happenings of 2009. He told me repeatedly "And this is what I have given you" and I felt His Love so tangible. And its not just meant for me(: Good things must be shared. He told me "I release you, get up and walk in the freedom I have given you" and I did, and I will.

Also, I was extremely blessed by my group....the guys, KaiMin's dry, morbid humor, my dear wondergirls! Hahah, Chloe, Nina, Charmaine, Faith ( she's my little girl and i love her very much!) Blue Tiger Eight ftw! Being an AGL...quite a different experience. Reminds me how we serve to lead.

I think we've had finer moments. Haha, I secretly feel that Elaine and I do and say rather weird and strange things when we're together! Yay, I had a wonderful day today, spending it with lovely elaine and the HTHT girls (minus jells) and the guys.

I am very berry proud of myself! I have overcome Bukit Timah HAHAH. Met Elaine there today, refreshing change from orchad road. Heh. Ate some chicken thing and went to old town white coffee(?) to chill and stay there VERY VERY VERY LONG. We talked nonsense, laughed veh loudly, drank coffee, tied hair into all sorts of funny hairstyles(and lost hair like crasy OH NO BALDING) and took many LOL-worthy pictures. I bet the people were dying to kick us out and were thinking "oh finally!" when we left heh! Then crasy elaine and i walked for one hour to westmall. Yes. One hour. In the rain. Cos she broke her umbrella. Twas her ploy to keep me away from the place of which I "must refrain". How smart. Yay I'm so glad I have a friend-sister (frister? HAHA) to do funny, silly, random things with. Thank you God, for a friend like this and for a friend like You who keeps me in the good loving hands of this girlfriend of mine. Some things never change i guess! Love you lainey gay!

Then met the gang at city hall! THE TRAIN RIDE WAS UNBEARABLY LONG. I now hold in high regard those who live in bukit batok, cck and the like. Kudos to you man. Took even more pictures, wandered around, sang songs and ate. It was hilarious everyone was high and laughing like maddddd and suaning each other. Gosh, I love my friends. I am indeed blessed. Laughed so much today. Maybe its cos of the rain. Haha. I love singing songs with Alison! Nat, Hannah, Ali and I will all go christmas caroling. Hurhur. Shall wait for Hannah to post up the photos! I had such a weird and wonderful day today(: