wherever you are ;

2010-12-12T21:36:00.002+08:00

I'll be off to Switzerland in a couple of days, and next year I'll be moving to Melbourne. This will be my final post here, because this blog is past it's sell by date, because it's a new beginning and a fresh start in my life, because I'm lazy. But I'm not going to delete it, I think this encapsulates my past four years very nicely and serves as a good reminder of where I came from, and of a previous life where I had the time to blog every single day. Heh.

This year has not been the year I would have liked it to be. A good 9 months of it was spent apart from my friends and people who love me, and apart from God. I was pretty miserable, and pretty caught up in my studies and with the world. But I'd like to think it all wasn't wasted and that I've learnt things from it.

I've learnt how to strike that delicate balance, between being reliant on my friends, being reliant on God and being reliant on myself. I've learnt that there are some things about myself I can't change and I've got to accept. I've starting to live with myself, so that I can live with others, and being satisfied with my lot.

I've stopped perpetuating the mentality that the grass is always greener on the other side. It lingers, sometimes, but in the areas where it truly matters I have grown to see how I am so blessed. I finally see, better late than never, that I don't need anything other than what I've got, because what I have now in my life is just more than enough, I am surrounded by so much love.

And I've learnt one more thing, and I think it is a lesson I will continue to learn, and it is that God is everything. He really is everything. He just fills up all the crevices, all the emptiness. He gives me joy. He causes all things to fall into place, He makes everything better. He's planned my future for me. Most of the year was spent without God. Now that I am trying once again to walk with God, I realise how much was missing from my life. God is everything, He really is.

I can't believe I'm leaving Singapore. I'm scared, and I'm excited. Time waits for no man and is thus sweeping me along with alarming alacrity, to whatever awaits me next year. There are periods where time ebbs and flows, and there are periods where time just hurtles along and I think right now it's the latter. I'm just going to go with it and I know that I'm going to be okay. It's a new season (:

And I guess this is for closure. As corny as it may seem I think I'll dedicate this last post to Elaine. Because all through the years I've known her she's never given up on me, in spite of, well, everything. And I think she taught me how to live with myself. In every sense of the word, she truly is my sister. ♥

2010-08-02T20:22:00.002+08:00

As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee...

What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled and strivings cease

Sometimes I wonder whether it's just me. Sometimes I wonder about what I believe in. Sometimes I grow pensive. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's all just cold and fruitless and it's not worth it to keep the faith. Sometimes I'm grumpy and stressed and tired and I feel like I'm never going to reach the finish line.

Then I listen to these old hymns and my tired spirit is revived and I know, somewhere out there God is still watching over me and all will be well in His Time

2010-06-06T18:35:00.003+08:00

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run
and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."

I like this quote a lot(: I'm trying to do SS. Screw the factors for the rise and fall of venice. Anyway.... I'm not attempting to go in chronological order here, yesterday Val slept over. Glee sing and dance along, Wii in the wee hours of the morning, funfunfun. SingFest the past two days, its been quite an experience performance and making new friends and hanging out with old ones in Vocalogy. On thursday, had dinner at Holland with Elaine. Needless to say, it was a definite thumbs up. Friday, everyone came to school looking pretty and professional in work clothes. And the dance off was HILARIOUS. And our class singing My Love and tong hua and I'll stand by you during recess was awesome too. But the best part was when we all stood up in the middle of class and burst out into Don't Stop Believing, Glee-esque. Love 4E5 ((:

Oh. I think its stupid to dream. I know it makes me sound so jaded when i say you are setting yourself up for disappointment but it's true. Wasted yearnings. (and i hate how you can put me down so easily)
I guess I'm really tired and need something new, something fresh. I know where I stand. I'm not happy about it...but its easier like this for now. Different things mean different things to different people. And the heart has reasons that reason cannot fathom. I'm so out of it. Feel so of the world, so worldly. And how we all love our little games of pretend. Keep pushing those boundaries and see how long we can keep the act up.

cos we're cool like that

2010-05-14T18:58:00.004+08:00

I was just telling Elaine I haven't blogged in forever! So i shall blog about yesterday now:D

Had a really good day with elaine yesterday:D met her at one, allllll the way to eleven at night. I likey. We grocery shopped and baked yummy brownies and cookies! The day was spent just basically lazing around and throwing pillows at each other and painting nails and taking retarded funny pictures. Because we watched a sleepy boring movie, we even slept in the car on the way to Harlems Gospel Choir and it was so funny and cute heehee. It was a nice, easy day and i love elaine a lot cos she makes everything seem so comfortable and i feel so at home((: and there was plenty of good, random conversation. And while watching the choir, we rocked out on our own cool air band. She was on the keys and i was on the drums and felix was the vocalist. Haha! Oh and we were dancing around too, trying to be like the singers.

But we were both really tired during the Harlem Gospel Choir thing. It was real cool though, their vocal runs and dancing were really something else. Because we couldnt find the Worship Min I we sat with the grads. Which was a tad odd hahaha. And it ended pretty late like, 11ish at night!

Yay yesterday was an awesome awesome day:D I love elaine gay(Dear-E)

Grace Concert 2010

2010-04-18T18:05:00.000+08:00

Its over. My response is somewhere between finally! and already? Heh.

I miss it all. Like, on the first day, how me and char came to school at 10 and I got booked and she didnt(wth) and we did the rehearsal for the finale and we played a fool, doing Indian Dance and Malay Dance and forming our own awesome shizzzz choir. All the helium breathing in and singing and heyapple and furrruit baskets.

And being so scared of the make up brush in Ms Poh’s hand and the long line for Ms Fong and rushing around rubbing glitter on the rest of the other CCA groups, like BAND. Hehe. And the picture taking and the freaking out backstage and sleeping on each others legs in a circle during tech run. Running outside finding our friends and getting flowers from Hannah, Nainika and Priya((: And the high before and after the performance and eating in between and playing unblock me and taptap in the dressing room.

Wanting to cry, just before our very last dance. “This is it.” It held so much meaning for all of us. It was it. The last, the very final 3 minutes of our dance career in secondary school. Last time we were dancing as a team. And onstage I think all of us felt it. The energy, the smiles. It was AWESOMEEEE.

Then after debrief, where everyone started hugging and crying, hahah and laughing while crying and the stupid “I will miss you *kiss*” to rub off our lipstick on each others faces. Xin Tian was wailing. Literally. Then, supper at Macs with Char and Nicole and Yun Hi and XinTian.

I will miss everybody so so much. I’ve made such good friends over the past 3 plus years, and all the drama and ups and downs and funny quirky things we do…no one has fun better than us dancers. Oh darn I’m missing everyone so much la. Modern Dance has been such a big part of my life. Without it, I would be sad, lonely, no life and fat. Honest.

2010-04-11T14:23:00.002+08:00

Keep your face to the sun, and you'll never see the shadows. That's what sunflowers do.

(just to clarify. i do know the flower in the picture i posted above ain't a sunflower)

sweet sixteen

2010-03-26T16:46:00.004+08:00

I had the most awesome sweet 16. Last Friday, the full fleged H2H girls, Becs, Jing, Lynn, Gideon, Felix and Elaine surprised me at Marble Slab for my birthday(: Aww much! What wonderful friends I have. Okay, in truth I wasnt all that surprised cos of AHEM. Hahaha:D But Elaine and Felix surprised me the most methinks. And later on Sunday I was surprised (successfully) by my school friends, and one lone sec 3 braving the throng of seniors, XinTian! Heehee. They were so sweet and decorated the place with pink and purple helium balloons. On the day itself, I watched Alice In Wonderland with Vally. I have two new favourite quotes from the movie, first being,

"You're mad, utterly bonkers ... but I'll tell you a secret: All the best people are."

and second being, "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

I think that is an excellent practice and we all should try it. :D Off to church later for empowerment. Three cheers for good friends and a good birthday!

(ps. jelly i saw your photo collage fr me on your blog, TOUCHED TTM)

i shall now tell you my life story!

2010-03-18T10:46:00.004+08:00

Okay, last friday was flag day at Bugis and I saw Adam Lambert!! My first time seeing any celebrity in the flesh! Hahah. And on Monday after training, Charmaine, Sarah and XinTian and I went for ice cream at Marble Slab and it was so nice we had it twice. Then we watched half of Jennifer's Body and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs at my place till 10ish at night. Loads of fun with the "family"!

And yesterday we had our second last performance at Orchard Road! Us sec 4s (minus nicole and rachel) went to Wisma Atria food court to sit and chill and pig out on whatever we fancied. Char, Cherish, Sarah and I lazed there for two plus hours, haha, good stuff. Fabulous company and food!

Afterwhich, I headed down to Cluny to meet Elaine! We went to Taste Matters for atas ice cream (again!!! I'm gonna grow fat shucks) hehe the shop is really cute. The people there talked about very...interesting things. Like how there is a saying that goes "You can wait for the souffle, but the souffle won't wait for you" I have never heard that in my life before and I have no clue how to insert the phrase into everyday conversation. So I won't. Hahah and we tried chilli lime sorbet! We are adventurous and brave kids. Yay and then we went to the 2nd floor Serene's at around nine-ish and already everything was in semidarkness and we just sat and had meaningful talks till almost ten then I had to go home because of my mother's imaginary drizzling ahhaa. Really made my day. I love elaine heaps and heaps(:

I think one of my favourite things to do is chilling with people dear to me...like just sitting (and eating!) and laughing and heart to hearts with the odd intervals of comfy silence. I like that.

Mini YOG 2010

2010-03-11T21:11:00.005+08:00

Cooke House Comm 10'

Cheerleaders!

Val the pepsi mascott

Everybodyy who made it work! :D

It's been awesome.

Being in cheer, being in the comm, getting ready for this Denmark Mini YOG thing that actually wasn't that bad cos you could wander around school and get free milo if it got too boring.

Staying back late and almost getting locked in school, running around in a big chaotic mess trying to get everything done in time, waking up at five am in the friggin morning cos I've got to get make up done and meet val, who in turn left me chasing after her bus!!! and dancing around with pompoms doing weird things and laughing my ass off and meeting our SOUL SISTERS in the shadow comm and drawing on each other and having tons of fun with the cheerleaders and the rest of the comm.

I'm glad my last year of being in school was spent in a house comm with these wonderful people, especially charmaine, karishma, priya and val. It was crasy stressful but totally worth it. The camwhorring and blowing whistles incessantly and cheering till voice gone, all worth it. And we only got second placing because we were too cool for school, okay guys!

C IS FOR COOKE AND ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

okay everybody

2010-03-09T21:16:00.003+08:00

I have a few things to say. DEAR JOHN really wasn't that bad you know. OH and LSB punished the class and made us stand for one and a half hours because a student borrowed his chair cos there weren't enough chairs. GRRR. And. COOKE IS GONNA WIN IT. And...chem o level spa is tomorrow and cheer practice till say 9.00 plusplusplusplus at night? And everybody is cranky. Yupp.

ARIEL GO TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE. NOW. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

2010-03-06T21:03:00.002+08:00

It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, the moon’s never bigger than your thumb.

-Dear John

Sometimes I think we're not as wise as we think we are...everyone knows, and everyone doesn't know and for every lesson we learn there's plenty more that we need to stumble through. We need to stop, and we need to maybe look back to the time where everything held us in a childlike sense of wonder. I'm sixteen, and already I just feel old and tired. Remember how it was like when we knew nothing of the world and everything about God and love and life held us in thrall... I guess we can truly be wise when we've seen the world and yet retain that sense of wonder, maybe?

I really don't like feeling so stressed, like I have a million and one things to do, cheer, chem SPA, Biology and Amath tests, Modern Dance, my SBs, and cell planning and everything. All I really want to do is stop. Stop trying, stop working and just...seek God. Yeah.

on the shore of the wide world I stand alone

2010-02-20T20:32:00.005+08:00

on the shore of the wide world I stand alone

our father in heaven...

2010-02-18T17:03:00.002+08:00

Last night, I felt tired. Listless. Jaded. Dry. The usual. I was fed up with the usual. So I knelt and prayed...instead of pouring out mindlessly, the words that came forth were that of the timeless, eternal promise of Him.

"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever."

Somehow, this simple prayer, made me feel right again. Reminded me of Psalms 23, how the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. How he leads me beside green pastures, still waters.
How He restores me soul.
Reminded me of Gideon and the poem he wrote on his blog. How the one who knew the Full came to the Empty. And "the Full was poured out into the Empty, body broken, tattered and torn and the Full was given to all, given free...so that we who were once found empty, could breathe the Full in breath"
Read Gideon's poem on his blog btw, its really good.
And if you can...the Lord's prayer, pray it, reflect upon it. Don't see it as what mission primary school kids recited every morning( and in chinese on fridays!!) but as simplest, most meaningful of prayers, a source of comfort, something you can bring before God when words fail and emotions overwhelm. This was what Jesus used to teach the disciples how to pray. Seems to me, we need some teaching too.

happy chinese new year

2010-02-16T11:45:00.003+08:00

Thats me and the cousins:D Yayyyy. Okay anyway, I don't have much to say. Maybe except I've become like a Wicked and Rent musical freak, and I really honestly think Idina Menzel is the most gorgeous person ever with mad vocal skills and I love her songs like crazy. Yes. And there's no one to enthuse about her with sigh.
Isn't she so pretty! I'm very jealous of her hair and high cheekbones. And of course her amazing amazing amazing voice. Hahaha.

Wicked!

2010-02-04T18:33:00.006+08:00

I want to watch Wicked! I love all their songs, Defying Gravity, Popular, For Good. Too bad I'm a gazillion miles away from Broadway. I've finished watching every episode of Glee. I realise these past few sentences have made me out as a television youtube junkie. Moving on! I haven't touched a single book today. I studied yesterday though. I may be meeting Ann tomorrow(: Kari Jobe is anointed and I love her songs. Oh and...love love love God God God God God God

friends

2010-01-31T10:44:00.009+08:00

These people mean the world to me(:

annywanny who laughs always I'm proud to call elaine my big sister(:

My girls who are the best gift ever

Becks my long-time coconut soy sauce friend, do you remember?

Heehee and these girls are retard and quirky and fun and i love them

Not forgetting my weird ttm school friends:DD

glee

2010-01-30T10:57:00.003+08:00

I have one thing to say.

GLEE!

wait

2010-01-16T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'm finding that quiet corner of my soul...and there I will sit and wait. Amidst the humdrum of life, of the busyness and stress and the need to studystudystudy even though it's only the 2nd week of school proper... I will sit and I will wait, wait for He who makes me whole and when the time is right... He'll come to me, I know He will. And there, there, I will find peace.

i will never regret knowing You

you are more than

2010-01-11T15:55:00.004+08:00

morethanfine:
When the waves crash upon the rocks, and when the going gets tough; when my walk is one that is lonely and the path long, You will be the one who will lift me up on wings of love. Because when I’m weak, You take me, hold me and make me strong.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this year without you. I want You so much more than the momentary bursts of happiness, the catchy tunes, or captivating words. A relationship with You is more than the music, more than the uttered words. It goes far beyond the noise. It’s a lifestyle, and it is the everyday choices I make; it is the way I conduct myself to be someone who imitates You.

Because at the end of the day, when all the twinkling lights and the hushed sounds fade away, only You will remain. And in the words of the song by Switchfoot, let that be enough.

I feel like I'm standing on the outer courts now, all the time...just watching. Unmoved. But maybe it's right where You want me to be...I think it's where You want me to be because its not just about encountering Your Presence...but wanting You more than just the presence, more than just the feeling.

Before Matt Redman wrote the song "Heart of Worship" he had the whole band and sound system stripped away and the church had to learn to worship in a new way...to actually bring something out of themselves and offer it to God. He said "We’d gained a new perspective that worship is all about Jesus, and He commands a response in the depths of our souls no matter what the circumstance and setting."

Its not about me.

last stayover in schoool

2010-01-10T11:24:00.009+08:00

My first week of school... The most busy week ever! Hahah from monday to wednesday I found myself doing sec one orientation. At first i was like, sian. But now i really love my class of 1e5! We won the championship...just like my class did in 2007. And all the little girlies were so small and cute and adorable and it makes you wonder were you ever like that? Best of all my fellow facils were all my good friends...Natty, my since primary 3 bestie and same birthday in august friend, Jamie Yee, who's really funny and has the same glasses as me, Lisbeth, my classmate, you get my point. There's also something so significant about...starting your four years in st.margs with sec 1 orientation camp...and ending it with sec 1 orientation camp, you get my meaning?

Yeah and on wednesday i headed home at 9.30...and slept over in school thursday till friday, hence the pictures HARDLY ANYONE SHOWERED. Adam Khoo motivation things...weren't that motivating and exciting and interesting, except the stuff they taught us on the last day. Like one trainer came in and shouted HELLO EVERYBODY and she sounded like a man and she attacked the board with her pen and Hannah and I were like "OMG she has angsty writing!"

Oh but they had this parents talk on the second day and by the end of it everyone in the room was like crying. And on the last night, different ones of us were going onstage and talking to our parents and crying...and i think there wasn't a single dry eye in the house. It was just really emotional for all the sec 4s and the parents...the camp ended on a good note(: Heh and i super love my class! They are entirely awesome and like even though we all have our cliques and all, we still manage to bond as a whole which is a quite a feat. Staying over in school was fun too, everyone looking funky in our glasses and messy hair, we were all playing games and laughing and we video-called each other in class while sitting next to each other and recorded the whole thing, haha!

Talking to Elaine gave me inspiration for a name for teddy, he's now called George. And and and I just want to thank God, for good friends and a good week of school. 10 months till O levels, I bet I'll whiz past me but I know God will see me through it all. Mm. I love God, a lot. He is good.

2010

2010-01-03T14:31:00.003+08:00

2010.
It doesn't really feel any different from 2009( love how i spent the end of it, party at hannah's, shopping with becs, sort of traditional b&js with elaine)...school's starting tomorrow. I'm quite eggcited to see everyone again but i found out i lost my badge sigh. I bought a new tawg book and spent my new years with Jelly and Bro Shannon haha! And I heart my elaine ( as i told nic lam THAT woman! haha) heaps and heaps. It seems like I start the year by having a meltdown in front of her, reminded of last year's first prayer meeting of the year and how she sat out close to the entire prayer meeting with me outside of the auditorium heh. Good friends make loads of difference.
So not by my own strength but His.

It will be okay.

(400th) 2009

2009-12-29T20:53:00.006+08:00

It's my 400th post...the 2009 post. Haha!

It's been one mad year...even now things aren't exactly smooth sailing...( i like using "....") but I'm still here, still very much me, saying all the wrong things, trying too hard, tripping over my own feet, giving myself to God day after day and Him, watching over me and making sure I don't stumble too far(: It seems almost impossible to sum up the year...how, though it is over-used and the ultimate cliche, God has been good, so good. How, He helped me to love...and to learn. How He broke my stubborn little heart and as I was spilled out before His Feet, I was the closest to Him I've ever been.

2009...well. Here's 3 random things I've learnt in the year 2009:

1. Pay attention in AMath class! Honestly honestly. Even if like you have a crasy deskmate and the epic potato book YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOUR TEACHER DRAW TANGENT GRAPHS ON THE BOARD. because it will come out in your EOYs. And you will not know how to draw it and then.... dumdumdumdum. Okay, moving on.

2. Love isn't defined by what we do...or what we say. You can't confine love into a little box of our own making and say that "If she spends this much time with me, I'll know for sure that she cares" or something like that. I thought you could measure love...by knowledge of the person and texts received and msn conversations and time, but you can't. It's kind of beyond us like that. For everyone, love is different... so you receive love in a different way than you would give it but it doesn't mean the intention and effort isn't there...makes sense? I couldn't wrap my head around it at first...but God is teaching me to see beyond the gesture to heart behind it. Mm.

3. God is everything. He is everything, He is the missing piece that completes your life and yet He is also the one who solves the puzzle. I have learnt that without God you fail. And with God in your life is heaps more exciting, with a tad of complication, a pinch of trouble, a lot of love and a sure guarantee of victory. He leads me. I love Him (:

And here's 6 people (logic is: 3+6=9) I have a little something to say to. Nine people, in no particular order. Guess who you are! :

1. Can I just say I'm glad you understand. And you let me talk and rant and cry...you tell me when to stop and go to God. And it isn't so much of "telling" but gentle nudges and reminders that hey, there's someone up there all too willing to hear your cries. You're always so timely and so sensitive to me, and to God. You're one of my closest guy friends and I love that we can just sit and chill and watch time pass us by in companionable silence (big hint!) Over the course of the year...you nudged me back to God, bit by bit. I hope to you, its worth it

2. I'm really sorry for the time I wasted...I'm sorry that I wasn't open, my heart wasn't ready to receive from you, to be discipled by you. I always thought that there would be more time...that i could slowly inch my way over and by the end of the two years, perhaps we'd be buddies, perhaps not, and whichever way it would be, it wouldn't exactly matter. I'm sorry for my indifference. I wish I could have learnt more.

3. You were always so willing. Willing to meet up with me...willing to be the "extra wheel", was that how you put it? Sorry, for the times i made you feel that way. But it's been so good knowing that you're walking with me...knowing I have someone to fall back on. Someone who's pretty much like me and not lightyears ahead in maturity and spirituality. I guess in life we have many friends, friends who do different things for us, who are different things to us. And you're the reliable, sturdy, constant one(:

4. I don't really feel the age difference between us. I mean, you tell me everything. Its like we're equals and i so value the trust we've built over the year. For all the times you've spurred me on...letting me know I wasn't alone in my battles, being there for me when I didn't want to be there for myself. Thanks.

5. You don't even know my blog address...my dear big bird. But how can I leave you out of this? My big sister, my friend. I love how we effortlessly struck the balance. How you put up with my random whinings and you helped me see and helped me grow and helped me translate the head knowledge down to my heart. You made sure I was walking right with God. You also are one of the best people to hug! hehe

6. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Even a few nights ago when I called you sobbing and you just listened to me cry. And if there's like a word I can use to describe you...there isn't one cos you're so many things. Its like, you are so willing to be there for me...willing to sacrifice certain things for me, you're such a comfort. If I need a hug, you're there, if I need to cry, you're there. I don't know what to say...but you're my sister, you'll always be my big sister. And I don't think there's anybody on the planet like you!

2010 is going to be one mad year...but we'll step into together and with God. We are His chosen people, His royal priesthood and we are placed where we are for a reason. Let's make it count.

Goodbye 2009...it's been fun:D

#399

2009-12-20T19:06:00.007+08:00

Maldives 09'

Even though it's slightly redundant to "express yourself" because in reality you never truly can, I want to try. You know expressing myself in words is like trying to capture the wind. My thoughts and emotions are too fleeting, so much that they constantly evade my grasp. Words cannot bring forth my meaning, and I feel frustrated. Heh.

It's so funny the way God works...and it's so funny they way we think and our minds work. How many times do we fool ourselves into thinking we would serve God with everything, but in reality, it's merely lip service. How many times do we convince ourselves we are living a holy life, and that we have fully abandoned ourselves at His Feet, how many times do we think we are "over it", over our problems, our brokenness, how many times do we insist "No...that is not my bondage...no, I have already surrendered" but God knows, God knows. No matter how we present ourselves, He knows how rotten we are on the inside.

And because of this...I stood on the outer courts. Because when you step into God's inner courts, you step into His Holy Presence, and that exposes us...exposes our brokenness and flaws and hidden sin. We are confronted with truth and many a time, these are things we avoid. I didn't step into the inner courts because I was afraid of what I would find, I was afraid of the revelation of myself...of what my heart has become.

But on Sunday I knelt at my seat...and someone came to pray for me while i was kneeling in my seat. Right where I was, I built my own altar...and as I knelt, I cried...I cried hard, I cried because i was thankful and I cried because I needed to so badly, I cried because what was broken was becoming whole and I promised God that it would be the last time I would shed tears for this past of mine, that I would walk forward in the healing and freedom He would bring. There is no immediate healing...no instantaneous freedom but at least...at least my heart is in the right place now.

On a lighter note CHENG CAME BACK TODAY! Had lunch with Sis Kassey and her and becs and jing and jin at plaza sing! I was so happy to see her. I wore heels today so my feet killed but for once i was relatively tall. On friday went out for dim sum with the gang too. Would be going to lynn's place tomorrow... meeting up with my camp group...and ann...and elaine...and becs(to do last minute until cannot last minute alr christmas shopping)....doing homework!!!! In the vast department of homework I am in heaps of trouble. Oh dear me!

just let me say

2009-12-18T11:21:00.003+08:00

I'm back! From Maldives and from camp.

Well, Maldives was simply lovely and everything was gorgeous. The sun, sand and sea were really just unbelievably beautiful. It was amazing being surrounded by God's creation. Went snorkeling, saw coral reefs and sharks and stingrays and such, tanned everyday, made many new friends in Club Med, had fun with the GOs, swam in the sea, ate myself to death, came back burnt.

I have acquired new nicknames! Among them are, blacky, indian, rendang, you get the picture. The variety just...boggles the mind, doesn't it. Haha.

And camp IGNORMOUS. God blew me away. He kept us safe during the long and late bus ride down with the guys and (thank God for her) my dearest Jolyn. Jo is awesome, really. And throughout the camp, with the many encounters with Him, and His Love and how He met all my expectations. The repentance, the coming before God on bended knee and seeking forgiveness for my negligence of His most important agenda. Standing before God and worshipping Him, really worshipping with abandonment, crying at the altars and being set free from the hurt and regret and certain things I've held onto over the course of the year.

It was entirely just beyond words, and I want to serve Him all my days.

Encountering Him in this way...well worth the six month wait. He told me "I will open your eyes to see" and I can see, I can see beyond the physical happenings of 2009. He told me repeatedly "And this is what I have given you" and I felt His Love so tangible. And its not just meant for me(: Good things must be shared. He told me "I release you, get up and walk in the freedom I have given you" and I did, and I will.

Also, I was extremely blessed by my group....the guys, KaiMin's dry, morbid humor, my dear wondergirls! Hahah, Chloe, Nina, Charmaine, Faith ( she's my little girl and i love her very much!) Blue Tiger Eight ftw! Being an AGL...quite a different experience. Reminds me how we serve to lead.

Let me find You in the desert

Till this sand is holy ground

And I am found completely surrendered

To You my Lord and Friend

So let me say how much I love You

With all my heart I long for You

For I am caught in this passion of knowing

This endless love I've found in You

And the depth of grace, the forgiveness found

To be called a child of God

Just makes me say how much I love You

Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

the weird and the wonderful

2009-12-04T22:06:00.006+08:00

I think we've had finer moments. Haha, I secretly feel that Elaine and I do and say rather weird and strange things when we're together! Yay, I had a wonderful day today, spending it with lovely elaine and the HTHT girls (minus jells) and the guys.

I am very berry proud of myself! I have overcome Bukit Timah HAHAH. Met Elaine there today, refreshing change from orchad road. Heh. Ate some chicken thing and went to old town white coffee(?) to chill and stay there VERY VERY VERY LONG. We talked nonsense, laughed veh loudly, drank coffee, tied hair into all sorts of funny hairstyles(and lost hair like crasy OH NO BALDING) and took many LOL-worthy pictures. I bet the people were dying to kick us out and were thinking "oh finally!" when we left heh! Then crasy elaine and i walked for one hour to westmall. Yes. One hour. In the rain. Cos she broke her umbrella. Twas her ploy to keep me away from the place of which I "must refrain". How smart. Yay I'm so glad I have a friend-sister (frister? HAHA) to do funny, silly, random things with. Thank you God, for a friend like this and for a friend like You who keeps me in the good loving hands of this girlfriend of mine. Some things never change i guess! Love you lainey gay!

Then met the gang at city hall! THE TRAIN RIDE WAS UNBEARABLY LONG. I now hold in high regard those who live in bukit batok, cck and the like. Kudos to you man. Took even more pictures, wandered around, sang songs and ate. It was hilarious everyone was high and laughing like maddddd and suaning each other. Gosh, I love my friends. I am indeed blessed. Laughed so much today. Maybe its cos of the rain. Haha. I love singing songs with Alison! Nat, Hannah, Ali and I will all go christmas caroling. Hurhur. Shall wait for Hannah to post up the photos! I had such a weird and wonderful day today(:

christmasyyyy

2009-11-29T20:12:00.006+08:00

Last christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to some one special

I feel christmassy:D Jelly and I were singing carols at Ion on Saturday! ( I also died the whole saturday from tummyaches sigh) Oh and i love UHU very much!

CHRISTMAS IS COMING :D

thanksgiving

2009-11-27T17:03:00.003+08:00

Its thanksgiving. So i thought perhaps I would make a list of things I am thankful for.

1. Being here. Just being. I don't know about you, but this year has been pretty much crasy, unexpected and really trying and who knows what would have transpired if i had not God by my side? Being where I am now, able to finally see the bigger picture, able to rejoice and thank God for all He has done in true joy, able to stand here as the product of trials, molded by His Hands ( molding, which will continue for a looooooooongggg time but hey its kinda exciting to see what new season He will lead me into!) And I am so, so, thankful to be where I am now. ( and that its all over)

2. Friends. Who lend me their joy whilst trying to be joyful themselves. They are wonderful people. Heh. I am so blessed to have the friends that I do. How they give so, so, selflessly of themselves, of their time and text messages and godly wisdom and (lame) humor. I am also thankful that they tell me when I look weird or bimbo-like and laugh at me when i do embarrassing things(often). With friends like these, who needs enemies? I AM KIDDING. And they get me to wake up my idea whenever i become emo nemo( again, often). I am most thankful that I have friends who understand me and put up with my cranky days, who dance on the roads with me, who can laugh about absolutely nothing and sing songs completely out of tune with me. I can be myself with them, I am blessed, I am thankful.

3. My family!!! I am a total braattttt at home. And i am thankful that they put up with my nonsense. Thankful that Daddy is gonna take us to the Maldives and that mummy sometimes wakes up early to fry me pancakes and allows me to stay at home at rot cos im just too lazy to leave the house. Thankful for my sister. Whose PSLE score beats mine and having her at home helps me to keep my suaning skills up and at em'. What can i say, they've seen my on my bad hair days THANK YOU GOD FOR PUTTING ME IN THIS FAMILY

4. For music. Hahah this sounds so weird and out there. But I thank God for music! For being able to somewhat play the guitar (my skills have increased a few levels from last year RIGHT NAT) and for good music to listen to when i do my tawg and for those moments where I listen to a song and God speaks and its just so amazing cos you dont expect it. As Gid says, its awesome when God comes and says, Hello! I knew you were expecting me, but not this much! And I'm thankful for worship, which has come to have a much bigger meaning to me this year and its something i hold so close to my heart...worship is music and its also way beyond the songs and the lyrics, beyond the physical things and routines...its so much more. Being able to experience God...consciously seek God...I thank God for worship.

5. Of course, for God! I thank God for God cos the biggest and most precious gift He could ever give me is Himself. ( i am not sure of my tenses for that sentence!) Its so amazing how much closer God and I have grown. A lot of people say that God is their best friend, haha I did too but I didnt really mean it....I didn't practice it and I didn't know what it would entail. God is so awesome my words do not do Him justice...but what He has done for me, what He has brought me through...has just shown me how beyond all measure God is faithful...God is good even when we do not see it, even when we do not deserve it...God, above all, is God and its a powerful realisation. Its different than just saying godisgodgodisgodgodisgod. Its just different. Somehow. I dont know how to explain it. And God loves me. Nodds. One thing i regret is that this year i focused so much on me and its so much time wasted. This time I'm gonna chase after the things God wants me to. So ultimately, I thank God, for God:D

I didnt realise it would take so long!!! Back to my amath tuition homework. (YES I HAVE TUITION NOW SHUCKS)

home

2009-11-22T16:41:00.003+08:00

I love stepping into Trinity @ Adam Road. It has such a familiar, homey smell...my church smells like home. Love, love, love trinity(:

Had an awesome week, sleepovers with Pam, 2012 with Charlotte, shopping with Jing etc. Yesterday...was good. Reminded that...its beyond serving, beyond worship, beyond your saturday church routine, attending services and cell, beyond being an SP, its above and beyond all that. Its running back to the father, tripping over my own feet in my anxiety to get to Him and say "Daddy, Daddy, I love you."

Why do we always forget to love.

this picture He's painting

2009-11-15T16:39:00.003+08:00

I received a text from my good friend Gideon. It read:

"Just saw this quote:) ' The greatest lesson two friends can learn is that they can grow separately without growing apart' :) The lonely road is necessary, but it's never for too long maemae."

I read it and I felt a pang. How timely God is. It served as a reminder that He sees me....He sees. He sees certain things upon my heart, things that I don't necessarily talk about anymore. And He sends people to assure me even though they're not entirely sure of what they are telling me. I am blessed with wonderful friends, friends who lend you their joy even if they are trying to be joyful themselves. If you think you know what I'm talking about... you may be wrong? It's not about...any particular person or friendship. More about my entire life ethic haha. I don't think many of us realise the mistake we make. The mistake of not putting God first in our lives. Doesn't seem like a big thing, but it is. Honestly it is the biggest mistake any of us could make cos we are not only limiting our own capacity but we are putting a lid for what God could use us for, limiting the plans of God. And this is something I deeply regret.

I haven't thought about all this in a ...very long time. To be candid, I wasn't planning to. It's one thing to laugh and joke about the silly emotional things you used to do. Another thing entirely to look back and see how wasted, how ridiculous, how painful it was. And saying it plain, it's a lonely road. I do feel extremely lonesome at times haha.

Course, more good came out of it. I lost a lot, but I stand to have more to gain.

And I learnt the most important lesson(:

God is God, and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.

so long school!

2009-11-13T14:54:00.004+08:00

Can you believe it's the end of the school year 2009, end of HeadStart, end of being a secondary three student who still can cut herself enough slack to skip , sleep during chinese, fail amath, create Potato Books in class? ( Charmaine, we cant pon next year alr! ) I can't. It doesn't feel like the end of the school year, there's certainly no tinge of sadness whatsoever, no sense of closure. I think it's because we'll still be classmates next year. No one's going anywhere, I know that for sure.

Haha, it's been a good school year, it honestly has. God has been faithful. Creating our limited edition Potato Books and imaginary bands and song arrangements with Pam(pom!) in class, writing post its and notes and defiling each others textbooks, doing the crazy Zombie music video dance with the class, singing songs on the bus at the top of our lungs, recesses laughing with the whole gang, oh my boomz and shingz by ritz carlton, epic english lessons with BOTH teachers, jamming on the guitar in free periods, the obama babes in the beginning of the year... it's been a blast. Love 3E5!

I think I've been blessed with good friends...good friends, "good" teachers, (somewhat) good report book, and most definitely a good God.

Now i have about more than a month of holiday! Will make the most of it, outings, sleepovers, shopping trips, good music-hunting, intensive reading ( I found a treasure trove of christian books of my mother's covered in a layer of dust. I can't wait to finish them, in the middle of Purpose Driven Life now!) I won't miss the tests, the waking up early, the lessons. But in a twisted way, haha, I think I'll miss school.

Of course when school starts again next year, i'll look back on this post and question my sanity.

hmm

2009-11-09T19:01:00.000+08:00

I need You

Realisations

2009-11-08T09:46:00.007+08:00

maybe i'll find you there

[ edit ] Catching up with my dear dear Elaine today for a short while totally made me happy:D grins. Also! Heart to hearts and swings w Annywanny in the evening! Love them both very very much((((: [/edit]

A couple things i've realised, first being, I used to journal less and blog more, but now I blog less and pen my thoughts down more frequently and i think thats a good thing! I've been looking back a lot, and I'm really amazed. God has been so good to me

I'm going to miss my cell a looooottt!!!! Ahhh how can it be November alreadyy, we're rushing headlong into our last few sessions with each other :( All of them are so important to me la. Like this saturday we were laughing and suaning each other like mad hehe. Can't imagine FUEL without this crasy bunch.

And its a completely different thing....knowing, really really knowing that God is still God, and having that dependance on Him...it ceases to be a mantra drilled into you by leaders and friends alike, and it becomes something you live by and i think its so powerful.

Headstart is not cool. Everyone is galavanting and I am waking up at 6.30 every morning still. But me and Pam have started Potato Book Volume II (Headstart Edition) and it will see us through! Nodds. (jiayou for Os pom!) Hannah and all are going to the flea. And I'm going for LCE. OH WELL.

"And yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into your glory" Psalms 73:23

How this speaks so true...and yet i am always with you.

I AM SO RELIEVEDDDDDD :DD

2009-11-01T18:34:00.004+08:00

Such a sweet picture. Reminds me of us((: Awws

Anyway. Can i just say something. I AM SO RELIEVEDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! :DD

can you feel this post just radiating my extreme relief. hahaha. Everyone is right, i do think too much. But i thank God its over nevertheless. It's been the most nerve-wracking weekend heh.

Many thanks to everybody for keeping me calm and sane haha. Hannah and Esther and Alison and Nat and Mel Khor and Kinnon(HAHA) and Gid and Annywanny especially. Who constantly assuaged my fears ( And ratted me out eventually tsk)

Goodness Ariel Mae. You really do think too much. Now you have a bout of "I told you so"s to work your way through. See, this is what you get for doubting God. He established you and you will not be moved till He sees fit to move you. Nodds! Silly me.

Oh and i felt this months SP empowerment really apt. Failure is not a wrong turn. Being in a place of brokenness and humility (i almost wrote humbility) might just be where God wants me to be! Because, He works best in such conditions. Mm. And failure is never final. Failure is like... those road blocks on Amazing Race. Things that hinder you on your road to success. I realise its my failures that shape me anyway, and not my successes. Something to keep in mind.

I miss my HTHT girls loadssss. In fact, hanging out with them today at Manna and Macs (Hannah Janet Janella missing :/ ) just really made my day and brought a silly smile to my face. Seeing Esther make her funny faces and Nat telling his lame jokes and Alison singing songs made me feel simply happy in this really child-like way. Couldn't keep a straight face heehee. Miss you girls loads, can't wait for our full fledged HTHT girls sleepover! ((:

Oooh! and one more thing to add. I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE MY CELL. Love U.H.U to bits and pieces. I cant believe the year is ending so quickly :(

elaine looks like a duck

2009-10-24T20:16:00.004+08:00

I watched it on Friday with Ducky. Hehe. It's such a nice movie, albeit really really sad ( don't listen to fang, he says the only thing moving about it was the hot aunt )

So yes, after school where we got back our results- which i shall refrain from talking about, except saying sardonically that, yes, dreams do come true after all. Ugh! - I met Elaine (ducky) in town where we sat outside the cinema talking rubbish, watching youtube videos and taking unglam pictures with her photobooth ( btw elaine gay send them to me :DD ) for one hour which passed fairly quick. Then we watched My Sister's Keeper. I must say it is a beautiful movie. Elaine and I were literally sobbing on each other halfway through the movie, not to mention the ending, heh! After that we were both rather stone-y and very cold so we chatted over a big mug of hot chocolate before going home.

The movie was really a tear jerker, and not only that but it provoked deep and meaningful self introspection questions such as, What would I look like if I were bald? Haha joking. Seriously though, it makes one wonder. As Elaine said, why does the idea of death make us so sad? Is it because death connects us all, we all know its painful and inevitable and even though as christians we know it is not a final goodbye...it never really feels that way? And to love someone so much that you would die in her stead, that you would stand to watch her die. To love someone so fiercely you would give up your life, to fight her battles everyday...and eventually let her go?

Letting go. Living life. Life is wasted, I realised if we try to control our circumstances, control what was meant to be. Sometimes all we need to do is give up...and know the battle is not ours for the fighting, know that whats done is done and it cannot be changed and all that is left to do is to move on, to let go. Life is meant to be lived, to be spent loving and being loved and cherishing every second of it. Nodds.

PS I like this song very much.

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

sorry?

2009-10-19T19:30:00.008+08:00

I really really am.

The past weekend has been crazy and i do mean simply crazy and haywire and completely stressful. First of all there's the busking dance to choreograph so i kissed my long weekend goodbye quite entirely (not that i didn't manage to have fun, or as Elaine puts it "party time") Tomorrow's performance and i think many of us are stressing out. Sighs. Oh you know i realised while talking to Ben on MSN that i overuse the word "sigh" and shouldn't do that cos it makes people think you're unhappy haha. Which i am okay. ShuJing and I watched an utterly terrible 2 hours of boredom and fidgeting movie yesterday and were broke for dinner HAHA.

Anyway digressed. Secondly there's this thing that is driving me mad. Haha. I guess all of us were kind of freaked over the weekend. So many shades of gray... I've never been in such a situation before where doing the right thing felt wrong and doing the wrong thing..also felt wrong haha. So i did the right thing and promptly felt horrible.

But you know God has been amazing me. You know ever since the beginning of this year, whenever i had a crap weekend, on Monday Singspirations, they would sing a song that would speak to my heart. And P.Andy really affirmed me on Saturday on what I've been feeling for some time. And my time alone has been refreshing. So yes, God has been so amazing. But you know what, some part of me hungers for more. Is it holy dissatisfaction, or am I shortchanging myself? I feel like i am floundering emotionally. Somehow emotions and theory in spiritual terms have merged from something so distinct to something i cannot separate. I feel like i am missing out. Every service i feel like i am missing out. Every worship session i feel like i am missing out.

But despite this, I lift my eyes and hope and I pray. And i know right now, its feels like its been unbearably long....and I've ceased to discuss this (whatever this is) even with my own self, not that i talk to myself, mind you. Hahah. But I know that...what keeps me grounded amidst the empty...the dry...the confusion, is God. Its God that keeps me grounded. I used to understand it in theory and not in practice but now its the reverse way. I do not understand how I can keep going, without turning to man. But I do survive and maybe this is because I am learning. Maybe this is because I am growing and however slow it is, I am beginning to trust what i cannot see. And focus on my Maker. I will lift my eyes to the Lord, from whence my help comes from. Because the name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.

( Yes i am having a good talk with PGary now. He's so awesome la. Reminder that...someone believes in me. That someone understands. He says i will grow out of this. GOOD TO KNOW hahah)

riel ; says:
silly me is learnin
jesusfreakie says:
yes u are
jesusfreakie says:
well
jesusfreakie says:
the silly u at least is hanging on to God

OVERRRRER

2009-10-17T08:53:00.005+08:00

EXAMS are overrrrrrrrrrrrrr! *big grin*

So i spent my week in a really awesome fun way. Best of all was yesterday, hehe. Met Pam at Plaza Sing and we ate and bought fried mars bars and walked all the way to Fort Canning. We brought our daddy's camera so we went around taking pictures, an (noob) photoshoot of sorts. We walked all the way to Clarke Quay (in flats!!) and took more pretty pictures and made a new friend. His name is JUMBY BUNGING. But you can call him Jumby right pam? Then, we collapsed at Starbucks, before walking out again to take more pictures, after which we went home. Two hours of walking, we felt pretty accomplished haha!

Later on i met Becks at night and we went to town to shop and miracle of miracles, she bought something! Then back to my house at 9ish where we ate a late dinner, played guitar and suaveboard (sp?) and piano and this funny game. It was really nice catching up with becs. i enjoyed my friday very much.

bestfriend

2009-10-13T20:09:00.003+08:00

To Jelly:

Blessed belated birthday! Thank you for being my own personal ray of sunshine, always brightening my day and reminding me that life is not always stormy. For all the times you've camped out at my place, for all the times i got lost going to yours, for all our soup spoon lunches and starbucks meetings and failed studying attempts and swimming and sleepovers and heart to heart chats. For all the times you've watched me cry. gave me hugs, prayed for me, been there. For the secrets we share and the nonsense we talk, paoface 1 and 2 from then till now. For all the silly songs we sing and for all the guitar playing we do,for all the laughs we share, what would i do without you?

Thanks bestfriend, have a blessed 15th!

Overflow

2009-10-04T10:20:00.010+08:00

If I could carve my heart out of my chest and take a good look, I wonder what I'd see. Would i see the faces of those I love, the people I call home, all that I adore? Or would my heart be so brittle and filled with scars and holes and fault lines that it would crumble to pieces in the palm of my hand before i could see anything at all.

It's been a busy week EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS I am so unprepared and unproductive and very very stressed out heh. This is a conversation to prove my case that the exams are driving us mad and nerd-like.

Me: Source C tells me that Carolyn is very ugly. When i cross refer to my contextual knowledge of seeing her 6 hours, 5 times a week....

Carolyn: THIS SOURCE IS NOT RELIABLE.

And because we are the nerds we are we found this immensely funny hahaha.

But we shall all hang in there till 14 October FREEDOOMMMM.

Exodus 14:13-14

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I would like to be brought back to the place of loving You and trusting You, trusting You enough to fight all my battles, to pave my life's path, to restore my soul. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. My cup will overflow. I need only be still. My own Egyptians, my past, and fears and inadequacies will come to a screeching halt. You are in control. Head to heart not heart to head. Can i do this?

I don't know what to say anymore

carpe diem

2009-09-27T18:31:00.006+08:00

Would love to travel overseas to study, to explore, to sightsee. Would love to travel, period. Imagine the thrill of being in a place where the wealth of culture and history and antique beauty runs deep and brings the city to life. I would love to just, get out. Get out and experience, get out and really live. Carpe diem. Heh.

Met Sis Cherie for a good dinner(: It was so enjoyable and just as i knew she would, she understood. Oh well. EOYs are so fast this year. I am stressed, but not stressed enough to knuckle down to study. Back to SS!

just never thought it would be you

[edit]
I am listening to Still.
I haven't for, some time. And i am struck by the truth of it, the beauty of it and the flood of memories it brings back.
Of me around this time of the year, exactly a year ago. On Sunday, at the altars, kneeling, crying. Janella and I, kneeling, crying, praying for each other, Sister Hannah leaving the keys to come pray over me. Sitting with Jelly with our backs against each other, listening to this song and pondering. A little naive, a little emotional, a little troubled, young still, but in the silent companionship that comes with trials and suffering and perseverance and God, no matter how old you are, no matter how big those mountains are.

I am rambling, thats what happens when your thoughts are messy and in disarray.
Lord help me, draw me close, remind me. To carry your heart, my heart must first be ministered to. But i am thankful for the reminder that even though i may feel so alone, I am not, and You are with me, the most simple of reminders, the most basic truth we learn as christians and yet the easiest one to forget. Oh, I am such a disbelieving believer. Perceiving with my eyes and not with my spirit. Lost sheep, in all senses of the word. Above all, God, You are sovereign.
[/edit]

catching

2009-09-24T16:48:00.008+08:00

We sit on the cold jagged rocks, watching the angry gray sea toss and turn, crashing with vicious force upon the very boulders we sat, having the cold unforgiving wind whip across our faces, playing with your long hair, having the rain beat down upon us in heavy, unwavering torrents. It is so bleak, so desolate, yet you are here. My heart goes out to you, do you not feel it?
You refuse to look at me. I can feel the weight upon your shoulders, the tempest of rage, the ocean of longing, the undercurrent of guilt and remorse. The burning anger searing across your chest combats your desire to return and I feel it like it's my battle to fight, I am the heart of your inferno.
I see you shudder and i know it is not from the menacing cold. Something within you breaks, Why, you whisper fiercely, Why. You trace a pattern on the rocks as if you could engrave your emptiness onto stone and cast it away. Your fingernail is chipped, your face is lined with pain, you do not understand. You think I do not see you.Here I am, here i have always been, i tell you, but you do not hear me. I love you! I shout but you barely flinch. You know me, yet do not acknowledge me and it is like ice seeping through my veins.
How else can I show you that I love you, I have never left you? How else can I explain that this too, will pass, that i will wait out this storm with you, right here, right now? How else can I tell you that you never let me down, because I was always the one holding you up? Gently, I take your hand in mine, the very hands that were pierced for your sake. Everything that needed to be done, I say, letting my voice carry over the wind, the waves, the storm, Was done on Calvary. Then, you look at me and my heart brims with love for you. I see your eyes fill with tears and as they fall, i catch every single one.

An attempt at conveying Psalms 56:8

You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?

[edit]

How can i put this nicely? Screw A.Math

I almost cried when i saw my results they were that bad. Thank God for char tho(: Love her ttm! In fact i love all my school friends they are awesome. We spent two hours of free period attempting to spam governance and common spaces into our brains and laughing spastically about absolutely nothing. Dim Sum after EOYs(: which is in 5 days. okay byebye

[/edit]

because you count for something

2009-09-20T10:38:00.008+08:00

[edit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2U3PU-E32E&feature=related

Anointed song, anointed song. Where you go, i go, what you say, i say, what you pray, i pray, O God.

[/edit]

Its been a funny week. This is for you Pam, POMOECAR.

Yes its our very secret code.

Trying to comprehend...but cannot. Should stop using the reasoning that no one would understand, so why explain myself? Because I myself cannot really decipher my messed up thoughts heh. (somehow there is this building of frustration, this shadowy element of loneliness, a feeling of unease i cannot explain. )But joy, joy, joy, joy found in the coming back to the focal point and my first love. Lord You are good. Letting my misgivings and my own plans take the backseat, letting my life be consumed by Your greater purpose, called as fishers of man. Because what is upon Your heart should be upon mine. And because You deserve. And i guess one day I'll look back and realise... that all these uphill battles i'm fighting have already been fought for me.

Met Charlotte on Wednesday, giggling and sprawled over beanbags, met Elaine on Saturday, soaked jeans and hidden in some corner in church laughing and catching up and whispering our little girly secrets heh. I am blessed.

I think the best way to make someone feel special and warm and fuzzy on the inside is not through gifts, or letters, or hugs (though they help haha) but through listening. Listening to her talk about her day, her dreams, nonsense and ramblings, it carries the underlying message that You had something to say, and i wanted to catch that. You were so important to me that I put everything else down just to come hear you out. ((((:

~~She'll never know your story like i do.~~

We're fighting our battles on all sides, but the most desperate battle is on the inside-gideon

airport nostalgia

2009-09-13T14:38:00.001+08:00

[edit]
Oh you know our facebook videos were played during jams! Hahahha oh my i died, partly from embarrassment, partly from laughter. Good thing it wasn't from shock, Sis Hannah warned us beforehand haha. I never tire of watching those videos, dissecting it bit by bit and scrutinizing expressions till my tummy hurts from giggling.
To you fufu: WaiKit! Miss you already you crazy, egoistic, illegal jay walking boy. We've come a long way. Take care over there. Remember our secret handshake! I remember...what you said too. And as i said in your letter. I will
[/edit]

Saturday was a juxtaposition of good and bad for me. I was at the airport at night (such a nostalgic place, at a timing which makes everything seem more poignant) to see Fong Fu Wei off! Heh. We got to him before anyone else did and took peektures(: heh. And then we just hung around, chatting with different people. Like Charlotte. HAHA. poor girl was getting teased by her friends so she took refuge in my incessant chatter. ( but when i learned what they were teasing her about i just jumped on the bandwagon lol) I swear, the whole world was there to see him off man.
After much photo taking, we prayed for him and then formed two lines to create a pathway for him to walk haha. When he came to me he sighed. HAHA. The "aiyah, you ah" kind of sigh, not in an irritated/annoyed way but in a sort of resigned to the inevitable tone and at that, i am ashamed to admit, i cried hahaha and escaped to the back.

Did i forget to mention Cherie? The person who totally made my day was Sis cherie haha she came to the airport! i missed her so much so i gave her loads of hugs and you know how lately i have been parading around as some toughie. Well no, i'm a true blue crybaby haha. And of course Sis Cherie knows that best HAHA. So she was just holding me and like "sayang"ing me haha(my vocab fails me, i wonder how i'll do for english EOYs) I guess all of us like to be taken care of and petted like the little kids we are at heart when you strip of all the outer surface layers.
I love Cherie alot alot(: And Elaine poked me and hugged me hehe, oh how i've missed her. It's all so strange.

so these things...they offset the sadness of FuWei's departure somewhat.

School tomorrow. studystudystudy

2009-09-11T17:37:00.001+08:00

I spent my monday and my thursday with the htht girls (namely, Janella Hannah Alison Esther Janet)
On Monday we went to mine for BBQ hehe. Let me quote hannah here:

We had a super fun random BBQ for no purpose at all at Ariel's place yesterday with the HTHT girls - janella, alison, janet, ariel my sis and myself. Yes, 5 fifteen year olds, and 1 eighteen year old. Tell me about it! Met alison and riel earlier to get the food done, and to take a coupla photos and video while waiting for janet & jelly to come. Janet came by early 5 and we headed down to start the bbq at 545pm.
Cut the whole story short, we took 1 box of matchsticks, 1 box of fire starters, half the charcoal there was and 1 hr 45 mins trying to start a fire. Point: TRYING. Until we gave up cos we ran out of starters and riel's dad just took over and got the fire going in under 30mins. RIGHT!
By then we were STARVING, so while cooking we were feeding one another prawns, chicken wings, sausages, scallops, satays, crabsticks, corn, lamb chops and whatever nots to make the job easier cook at eat at the same time :D

We headed back up after talking and chilling much, and started on a massive video spam you can see on facebook very evidently. It was already 10plus by then and we were all still insanely high, sweaty and sticky from the BBQ. Had a ton of fun laughing or rather CONTROLLING the laughter and making silent videos that are all on FB.

and on thursday i went to meet them for another random sentosa outing birthed from the car ride home on Monday

Jelly: I feel like going sentosa...
Hannah: Me too!
Jelly:hahaha lets go la
Hannah: okayokay. wednesday? thursday?
Jelly: REALLY AH

hahahha(:

so yes i met my dear friends at vivo. I got there at 11.30 (meeting at 12) thinking how darn early i was only to find out jelly reached at 12 hahhaha. So yes after that we met the rest of them and took the bus down to Sentosa and made our way down to Palawan beach. We just pigged out on sandwiches and sausages and junk food, slathered on the tanning oil, lay down on top of each other and relaxed for a good four hours haha. At one point we all plugged into our iPods and started singing aloud to all the songs really loudly, attracting many stares ahaha. And we spotted two young boys dumping loads of seaweed on their heads and chasing each other around pretending to be seaweed monsters. So cute heehee. And we all took turns just plodding down to the sea and letting the waves wash over our feet, watching the tide coming in and feeling the backwash of the sand and staring at the horizon. (: It wasn't so much of an "emo" moment but more of a sensation of peace, washing over you as the tide washes over you(your feet). Nodds.
You know i think some of us even slept whilst tanning haha. After getting really tanned (seriously my spaghetti strap tan(burn) is really really painful haha) we headed back down to vivo where we spammed photos on the rooftop and i left while the rest had dinner(:

Love my htht girls!

forgetful

2009-09-08T20:43:00.001+08:00

~~dreadful case of nostalgia. its so true, you only miss something when its gone. the little things suddenly become privileges simply because you don't have it anymore~~

there's something so darn annoying I've realised about myself

I've forgotten how to be real.
There's the sort of knowledge that at the back of my mind there's a flood but out of self preservation I built up a dam to hold it at bay so i can live in the semi-normality of things.

So i can cry my heart out like i did on saturday at the altars (altar dwelling in my little corner to avoid prayer-didnt work) when FuWei came to pray for me and was the first to break me down, to address the heart of the matter, the matter of my heart. And i can feel that rush of relief, that oh, somebody isn't fooled by my front, somebody actually sees, sees me. And i can feel the sensation of running straight into a wall when he just spelled out everything i was running from, word for word.

But concurrently, its my decision, my choice.
And i think I've forgotten how.

(Lord lead me)

I will post more about the epic htht girls bbq where we took 2 plus hours to get the fire started another time.

words

2009-09-02T18:01:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELAINE. I'm the luckiest little girl to have a sister like you(:

_ _ _ _

My words are just words.

They're only black and white, they're only mere letters on paper. They don't speak for me. The words upon my heart and the words from my lips and the words that are crafted by my hand, they're polar opposites. I won't go so far to say all the words i've said, about how God is good and faithful and meets all my needs, are lies. But at the moment, for the past few, well i dont know how long, these words have been just words. I didn't believe them. I don't believe them. I can say them all i want, i can write all i want but no matter how hard i try, these words won't fill up the empty spaces. These words won't make up how mad i am at myself from running from Abba Father. These words centering on God won't heal, but God will.

I guess losing a (somewhat)best friend will leave a hole in your life. Its all about the intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with, the next minute you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you'd call her to tell her a snippet of news of vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right to anymore, the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number. From a very human perspective, it will hurt. Even if you see the person, talk to the person, even if it was a mix up, a misunderstanding to some extent, there's bound to be something that's left behind that needs to heal. There will be a paradigm shift the way you relate to the person, this much i know is inevitable. These broken things can be healed but they will never truly be whole. ( I repeat: human perspective. When you take Him out of the equation, something that should never be done)

To tell the truth i don't know how to go from here. Because it goes so much deeper than "losing" (or having less of, semantics dont really matter at this point) a friend. It was like setting out to deal with a kitchen fire and getting there and realising the whole house was bursting into flame.
The only way i know right now is to pretend. To pretend and close my eyes and wish it away, to read the bible and write and focus on other things and hope God will get bigger and this will get smaller. But God can't really get bigger in my life if i dont let him. If on the inside its still raw and painful and i've erected a wall to keep the world (and Him) from seeing that. Don't you ever get tired? Of being the girl that always cries, that's always broken, always weak? I know i have. And this wall I've built will stop people from seeing that girl.

On saturday i realised, even as i cried, that it was only a semi-healing. Because i knew, my heart knew, i was shutting Him out of certain places, i wasn't letting myself go.
And there are always people, who can see through the cracks?
Be it Janella, or P.Gary, or Eugene, or Gabriel. That the happiness wasn't genuine, the laughter was slightly to hard, the smile a tinge too forced. These facades aren't foolproof. Maybe i made them that way on purpose. Hoping someone would see. See me.

I feel like something really big is missing from my life. And that something isn't actually a person. That something is God. And i think i miss Him more than the other people/person I've lost. God never moved, i did.
Taking all those little steps to stupid (quote Gid)
To be blunt, to be truthful, to be brutally honest. I do not see. I do not believe. I am blinded by my circumstance, by my anger and by my hurt.
But i am hoping, with fingers crossed, that breakthrough is coming. And even as i take these steps back from stupid, as i stop running away and take these steps back whence i came, my Father will come running to meet me.

potato salad from this damn famous restaurant

2009-08-31T19:37:00.003+08:00

The past two days have been days of laughing my way to stronger abs, seriously.
Okay so sunday saw me making my way to Ikea to meet Val and Char and JingYing and Eunice AU. We had hotdogs (eunice had 3 of them, ahem charmaine loohhhhh! haha) and talked about paddington bear and marmalade and valerie's pajamas which she wore to ikea HAHAHA. And then we went over to anchor point to buy groceries. Who knew butter was so expensive. Heh. Then we headed back to Val's *ahem* humble abode *ahem* Yes Val, with a shoe room, a pool, a walk in wardrobe and a freaking LIFT. Yes, an ELEVATOR. So after much running about, squealing and begging to take the lift, we got to work. 2 batches of cookies, 3 trays of brownies, a tub of potato and egg filling (yes those washing tub thingies) ,4 loaves worth of sandwiches and 5 hours later, our work was complete. It was really funny. Just imagine the five of us crowding around the stove, holding potatos, eggs and pots.
Val: "Okay lets start making the eggs now!"
Everyone:"Yepp!"
(pause)
Everyone: "Okay um...how do you boil eggs."
HAHAH. hilarious. none of us had a clue. noob sec 3s who had no recollection of previous years home econs. Oh and the burnt cookies and the ruined brownies that we ate up gladly and the "potato salad from this damn famous restaurant" (inside joke)
Cooking is real fun with friends. We peeled eggs/potatos, designed high class carrots and cucumbers(HAHA), pounded potatoes to achieve arm muscles(VAL!) and whipped up awesome brownies.

Today was class partyyyy and it was crazy. We set up the food including the fish/duck food (HAHA crusts from sunday!) and the salad from the damn famous restaurant. And we pigged out even before the teachers arrived. We played "Pass-The-Ice-Cubes-From-The-Cooler-Till-It-Melts-In-Your-Hand-Then-You-Gotta-Eat-The-Fish/Duck-Food-So-Sabo-Your-Neighbour-Now" Game hahahah. Stuff all the bread crusts in your mouth and say chubby bunny 3 times whoohoo. And the iPod was blasting so we danced to the Hoedown Throwdown, JaiHo, Right Round, My Lips Like Sugar and whatever else haha. Omg epic moment was the dancing/recreation of the Zombie music video for Mrs Koh. we made her laugh until she cried and we were all screaming at the top of our lungs. Did i forget to mention? It is teachers day. Then after i went down to Island with Pam where we tuned the out of tune guitar to even more out of tune heh. Met my dear Valerina for our long awaited catch up!(: headed down to Dempsey to eat and walk around and then town to window shop. Thoroughly enjoyed myself.
sigh i miss lynn cheng a lot a lot. Not helping FuWei/Sis Hannah's next to go :/ I can't believe FuWei's going to be gone in a matter of days/weeks. I wonder how its going to be like with my big nonsensical brother around. I wonder how long it'll take for me to get used to it. Friday's 4 One and i'm really excited, I think its something we all feel, and anticipate greatly, the opening of the floodgates of heaven, the outpouring of the father, the filling of the hearts, princes of the land being raised up, this mighty mighty move of the spirit. Where can we run from Your Spirit, O Lord. You are great, and you reign and you are almighty and you are calling us all to something bigger than we are, something bigger than our human eyes can see, and our human mind can comprehend, so your power can be showcased through us all, jars of clay. Never have we all been so ready for You to move.

I know what it does to you, I know. Maybe that’s why we hold on as hard as we do. We just can’t believe that such a miracle can happen to us twice. But it can, someday you’ll find it again. — Someone Like You

He Held Me

2009-08-29T21:03:00.002+08:00

I think at the different points in our lives, there will be times of brokenness, brokenness in the most unadulterated form. There will be times where you throw tantrums like a spoilt little kid at the unfairness of it all, where you slam your fists into the wall and cover your face with your pillow and cry and scream. There will be times of quiet despair where you wallow and dwell and let yourself be swept away by it all, where you cry out to God asking him to intervene, asking Him for the answers because you want out so bad the fact that it may not be God's will doesn't matter anymore. There will be times where you shut yourself off to every else and build up walls and harden your heart so you'll not let your guard down. There will be times where you struggle against everything you feel and fight against everything you know is the truth because you are stubborn and you think you know best and you run and run and run and run, but when it all comes down to it you can never run far enough because God's love will always catch you and bring you back. and then you will be on your knees and broken and crying and facing everything you tried so hard not to.
I guess this is my season. Of fighting, and of running and of returning.
The altar is a safe place.
That's what Benn told me last night, a sort of prelude to today. The altar is a safe place. On my knees, crying and crying, seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking God and those who seek Him with all their hearts will find Him. It was so...liberating, kneeling at the throne of grace. Everything else was dimmed, the events of the past months faded, just me and my Maker (oh man bad grammar) and the truth that i need to face up to. Just...letting down my guard, being completely real and broken, and letting go, of my control, of my own willfulness for my life, my stubbornness, my own self sufficiency, embracing the fact that God is God and I am not, and His Will not mine, will be done. Need to trust and know that God's plans are perfect and flawless and while i may not understand, blind faith will lead me through. I only need to look out my window to see the darkened sky and scarce stars, or the tree leaves that rustle in the barely-there wind to know that His workmanship is exquisite and so is His workmanship of my life. There is no need to hold on to any semblance of control because the harder i cling to it the more evident it is i never really was in control in the first place, merely the allowance God has given me out of His endless grace. And at the end of the day, its too tiring to hold it together. Better to be vulnerable, to be broken before God and before man. Doesn't matter if i seem "weak" because as Benn and Riel say, to be strong one must be weak first. Have to come before God with our defenses down, walls broken and hands up in surrender, frustration, despair, anger, however and whatever and come with the truth that I cannot cannot cannot do this but You, You can.
It was a good time of release.
Release, release, God held me.

I think the beautiful part about being broken before Him is that He collects your tears, records your sorrows, knows your hurts and He puts you back together at the end of it all.

walking on water

2009-08-25T19:58:00.003+08:00

Thank you jelly belly for introducing me to Britt Nicole and her songs. They move me. The raw emotion of the voice, the truth of the lyrics, the still small voice of God calling, gently calling. It reminds me of the greater things, the greater promise, the greater King I serve.

Beautiful, beautiful.

It hasn't been easy. There's a lot of looking beyond to be done, the constant vigilance, the running back to God over and over again. The piling insecurities? In all the different areas of my life. The recovery process...certain things that haven't quite healed. The doubt that's always always lurking, haunting.

Going to step out though, into the unknown. Walk on the water. The doubt, the fear, the insecurities, the brokenness, these mountains are no match for Him. I know and i know and i know, i am made for more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdTvOGIKRuk&feature=related

You look around
It staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

Will you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let go

So what are you waitin' for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities trying to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and
You can walk on the water too

Even when you're broken
Step Out
Even when your heart is telling you, telling you to give up
Step Out
When your hope is stolen
Step Out

Don't run out on your faith

2009-08-23T13:05:00.004+08:00

Don't run out on your faith, ariel mae!

There's so much more than this. This is only temporal, transient things that will pass with every day that goes by and will soon become a point of reminisce. Beyond, beyond, to God and where He leads.
Don't sit around pondering circumstances you can't change, or get lost inside your problems (which seem so big only at this point of time) , worrying about all the wrong things. In other words, don't be so inward looking.
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

I think Sister Fran has a beautiful smile. The kind of smile that will melt away frigid troubles, the kind that feels like the warm rays of the sun spreading across your heart and makes you feel like smiling too. I miss her. A lot.

_ _ _

Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene,
Do you see the tears are falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams,

And you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me,

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way

I will cast all my cares upon you
I'll lay all of my burdens, down at your feet
Anytime I don't know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon you

Opportune Moment

2009-08-22T21:26:00.001+08:00

I talked to pastor gary yesterday. It was a really good time of him talking through with me. It was actually quite funny because i could imagine him saying all the things and making faces and i guess it was like a second epiphany. I am only beginning to understand why God is bringing me through what He is, and why I feel what I feel, and the many nitty gritty details than culminate into a whole struggle. He didnt like, condemn me or spoon feed me with answers, but he just slowly talked it through with me and the best thing was, he understood. It was amazing how much he was so discerning to the things that bothered me and why they did. Nodds, he understands. Being understood is one of the most comforting feelings. It also brings out the vulnerability in you. And i found myself being completely (bordering painfully) honest and i think that was a good thing because i got many things off my chest and was able to grasp the many truths he shared.
So while i understand it though, i don't like it at all.
But then again, who says i need to?

And you know what Pastor Gary always helps me believe in myself. The relentless belief he has in me that I'm going to do just fine really encourages me a great deal, every time he talks to me is like an impartation of faith and i feel blessed to have such a great pastor. heh(:
Right now, I wouldn't mind coming before God and humbling myself at his feet, surrendering my own will for my life (which compared to like everything before is the hardest thing to do) and all the things that hurt. Crying, crying, crying and crying. Need to find that opportune moment.

Truth

2009-08-18T19:54:00.001+08:00

Amath was an epic failure, i feel so demoralized. I can comprehend the formulas but ask me to piece it together to solve a problem and my brain fails me. Need to work harder.

By your spirit, I am free.
I will fall at your feet, i will fall your feet.
Jesus light ~~the~~ my way.

I think God leads me back to truth. Truth of the salvation of the redeemed. The love that gently calls. The grace that covers. The peace that surpasses understanding. That whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. I derive great comfort from coming back to the focal point, at the end of every long day, coming back to God.
Because i guess as a human, i fall suspect to my own weakness and fallibility. And through that i realise my inability, find my humanity and truth arises, that God is God and i am not. Maybe this shows that we weren't made to shoulder things alone. That its in our core make up to depend on someone stronger, that we were made to need someone, to need God.
That maybe, just maybe, in our weakness, we are complete. In our inability we are made whole.

All of us were made with hearts that needs filling.

Right now, i miss you more that piglet misses pooh. I want to give you a bear hug(:

dissatisfied

2009-08-16T15:50:00.007+08:00

I wanted to post a picture of the pretty colourful balloon floating house in UP. but nevermind(:

I've realised I've been over thinking many things. One should never convince oneself she doesnt matter. Because its an almost guarantee backfired defense mechanism. Now that everything is quite...resolved? As Hannah said, all i need is time. Time to heal, time to do what words, epiphany and being real cannot.
Currently i feel quite... dry. There's no other word for it. I can't really describe it. Its a culmination of many things i guess.

I actually remember sitting in the hospital right after everything happened and knowing that I needed to sing, that I needed to still do what I know I'm supposed to be doing, and I felt like that was just a victory for us. Right now anyway it's just chasing to worship all the time, that's what it's like for me. Cos I don't always feel like it. Sometimes I don't feel like singing to God. But... I know that my circumstance, in this season, doesn't change. That God is still God. It doesn't change what God's called me to be here, what he's called me to do. And He's still on the throne in heaven and He still rules and He's still bigger than everything I'm facing.

I've posted this before. But this really is an embodiment of how i'm feeling. I guess despite my feelings and circumstances and thoughts i will choose. Choose to worship, choose to put God first and above everything i'm facing, choose to do the right thing even though i don't feel like it. And not only is God still God, God is still good. Of everything i am given, i am still undeserving, so undeserving. I'm reminded of all the blessings that i am given, i am actually deserving of none but yet He gives freely. Most importantly i am reminded that truly, it is not about me. It is not about how I feel, or what i'm going through. Its not about whether i feel dry, or upset, or stubborn. Its not about all that. Its about God.

I've been staring at the screen for about 1 hour staring at this post and somehow it doesnt say all i want it to say. Again, dissatisfaction. You know what, i've said it all before. Its not about me, its about God, God is good, I need to choose to worship, God is still God. And it doesnt matter what i say unless i believe it.
I'm just a human, just a girl and i make mistakes. To some extent, i enjoy this but most parts of me wants to kneel and cry out for forgiveness cause it was never meant to be this way. The seemingly callus manner of which it is all happening... I think its the strangest feeling, as gid says. Being angry...and upset...and hurt and just stubborn with the plain intentions of staying where you are just to spite everybody but at the back of your mind there is the knowledge that He, that God, is waiting for you. That His calling over your life is waiting for you.
Waiting for me.

Good

2009-08-11T19:29:00.000+08:00

My long weekend was a juxtaposition of good and bad, hehe.
On the most part it was good, sleepover with Jing and Lynn. It was crazy fun, all the camwhorring, night swimming, chick flick watching and guitar jamming, 1am trips to 7 eleven for instant noodles and talking until 3 plus in the morning! And on Monday Kryssy came over at the crack of dawn...well 9.30am and we did the chicken wings(: Then Bro Shannon, Sis Hannah and Jelly came over and we did our songs! 1 each for both of us nodds. And then Bro Shannon and Sis Hannah played and sang some of their songs for us. Super funny, we were all singing Jelly's song during what came next...WM partayyee(: I loved the dunking bit. I carried Ann, Sister Hannah carried me (awws) Felix and I had a water fight (tsk you poor confused child) and Alison and I sunbathed while frozen.
In the most part, it was fun, crazy, high and laughable but i guess for me it was, quote Benny, sufficiently weird and uncomfortable too. Focus, Ariel, focus. So like after the party i went home in a kinda bad mood. And that night (last night) I had a really horrible dream. No, there were no monsters under my bed, no i did not get robbed (hahah PAM), i dreamt that everything was back to normal again. So when i woke up, the reality of things hit me like a slap in the face.
You know back then i used to think, if only thisthisthis, i wouldnt mind thisthisthis.
But now when it comes down to it, I'd really prefer the old back. I really really would. Careful what you wish for.

But God has been good. Even though everythings changed now, even though it seems like a lost cause, i still have reason to praise, cause if everything stopped here, He has already given me enough blessings to last a lifetime. Blessings, i am again reminded, that i am hardly deserving of. Which are more than i could ever ask for. I shouldnt mourn the times are over, i should rejoice that they occurred. So i still have reason to be thankful. Yes i do, yes i do.

~~Then why do i still feel like how i feel now?~~ Need to run back into the arms of the Father. Need to return. Need to put aside all my inhibitions and make a choice, move on, let go because technically they never left me hanging, with questions unanswered and emotions building. It wasn't them. It was me.
Back to chemistry.

I'm on my knees...O God, take all of me

grace undeserved

2009-08-09T17:30:00.000+08:00

The army of God is strongest when they march on their knees.

This, this is what keeps me going.
This....constant looking beyond. Beyond self, beyond feeling, beyond circumstance. Beyond the good and the bad, beyond the situation that needs blind faith to lead, beyond the sense of loss.
Something needs to be done, and i want to be the one who avails herself, who puts aside the emptiness and brokenness for the greater calling that stirs the spirit and convicts the heart.

Because in the grand scheme of things, its not about me. Its about God. And the purpose he has set for me outweighs everything i could wish for myself. I may have ended up where i never thought i would end up, i may have lost something i never thought i would lose, i may have made mistakes that led to sufficiently uncomfortable circumstances but His grace still covers. I need to learn grace again. I need to learn grace, i need to learn grace. I can never repeat myself enough, i need to learn grace. Grace undeserved, grace that calls, grace that covers all. And i need to learn to see beyond what i am going through to what God wants to do because i have availed, i have offered, my all. And God deserves no less than all i am. What can i give, what can i lose, what can i do that can ever compare to what You have done, two thousand years ago?

I will stand, arms high and heart abandoned.

belong

2009-08-07T19:48:00.001+08:00

I love St Margaret's national days. I think its really something else. The traditional grand finale, where we have the mass sing a long. Where "Count On Me Singapore" comes on and in our excitement, we shout out the lyrics with blatant disregard for the atrocious noise we are making, thrusting our flags into the air, being oddly patriotic. And then "Home" comes on and arms around each other swaying to the music that tugs at heartstrings, and pride swelling in our hearts, because its home, truly, we sing along, we know the lyrics at our fingertips and suddenly it feels like a culmination of everything, we are united, we belong.
( which sadly brings a close to renditions of the national day songs and crazy dancing with pammy, char and yili in the morning. Oh well. Next year! )

I've been playing with the little caucasian kiddos that stay in the condo. There's an unspoken agreement, 5pm at the playground. Kids nowadays are adorable but very scary:/ they speak of things i never even thought of when i was like, seven and the playground politics and their little catfights (between the girlies) and the boys pushing and shoving, goodness me, was i ever like that? Haha. But its really quite funny cos they make up like 5 minutes later. Halcyon days, being a kid is so simple. Haha, but its really very fun hanging around with kids that are 5 to 8 years younger than you. Especially the younger ones. They seem so... innocent, so untouched by the world. Nodds(:

After meeting Pastor Andy and talking through things I'm beginning to see. When he asked me what was good in my life i took quite some time to come up with something good that's happening and its seems to me that i'm dwelling to much in the undercurrents and i need to start looking up. Because life will always be a paradox of things and its my choice to make. And that i need to learn grace because mistakes will always be made and because of grace i am saved. There is nothing i can do because it has been done for me many many years ago, no need to hide because of the shame, because i am covered, covered by grace. Need to accept, need to make the decision to be vulnerable to God, to choose to be aware of the things wrong with me, with my life. It was like, epiphany on the bus.

There's still so many things i need to do some "soul searching" on. This chapter is definitely far from closed. But i hope closure will come soon? ( hopefully not at minds cafe :/ ) And i hope for a God induced cathartic release sometime in the near future. And i hope to heal. In time. By God's hand and infinite grace. But for now,
I will fall at your feet, i will fall at your feet.

Consume

2009-08-05T18:42:00.001+08:00

1 Peter 1: 6-8
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls

I do not see, but i do believe.
Consume us, O God, consume us.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QiiuhFHi4k&feature=related

School has been a laugh. Sis Fran is so kind, texting me verses to encourage and build up, meeting me on her tight schedule, Sister Hannah is sweet, calling me and texting me to check on me, my friends are the best making me laugh, smile, showing that they care, how much they do care. I am blessed.

God who is bigger.

2009-08-02T17:59:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a saturday. I didn't do the things i usually do on saturdays. and i wonder if saturdays will be like this from now on. as sis fran told me when we met up over drinks on friday. I may be the spoon, and she the fork. We work good together. We fit. When the fork is removed, its uncomfortable. Highly so. But the spoon, will still be a spoon. It will still function as a spoon, and i will still function as Ariel. Nodds
~~I cant believe i'm reduced to hiding from you, really.~~
I typed out this whole chunk but i deleted it because it was such an unsatisfactory exposition of how i feel. It's such an influx of thoughts and feelings and head knowledge. The words elude me. But i know in my heart. God is bigger.

If suddenly it were ended,
& Your blessings disappear,
Looking back over a lifetime,
the evidence is clear:

You have been good, You have been good,
& I am in wonder how it could be.
You have been good, You've been so good.
In so many ways, You've been good to me.

Yaweh

2009-07-29T19:39:00.007+08:00

Ever since sunday i've been having sleepless nights. I swear i lie awake more than i sleep. I danced for the first time in about 2 months. My ankle gave way when i was walking home. Shucks, shucks, shucks.

Yaweh.
Jehovah.
I serve a covenant keeping God. A God who is what you need Him to be in your life situation.
God you are, God you are.

To Ariel Mae
I am going to tell you that I love you because I think that is what you would need now. A friend's shoulder to replace that shoulder that has..."disappeared", or a word of encouragement to that doubt that is in your head or a perk from a friend, yes I love you....And you need to know that you are going to get through it with God. You are, my friend. You are going to get through it, you are going to grow from this and you are going to testify. And when you look back, you know that God has changed your life and you realise that God has revealed to you His character.
Jelly your blog has touched my heart more than you know(: Jelly, becky, sis fran, teo, hannah, val, gid, esther, pam. To everyone who is putting up with my black faces, mood swings and wry smiles, thank you.

Lead me

2009-07-27T17:30:00.008+08:00

That was my prayer really, when i got up each day, it was Jesus lead me to the cross, in every situation that i'm in today, let the cross be the central point of focus for me, whatever happens, Lord, always lead me back here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkmKWYWfcoo&feature=related

I'm learning that you know when you choose to worship despite your circumstances, when you still bring praise even when your heart doesn't know how to feel, there is victory and power in that choosing because it shows your situations and emotions have no control over who God is in your life.
And its hard. Oh yes, its so hard and you wonder where God is even though you know deep inside, his ways are higher, so much higher and you will never understand. You're so numb to everything and unsure how to feel, there's a gaping dark cavern where your heart used to be ( over dramatizing here ) but i choose. I choose to worship.

so thats how much i meant to you

2009-07-26T16:51:00.005+08:00

So, thats how much i meant to you.

I am upset. So after crying at every possible destination and opportunity, i wrote a song. And as odd and unlikely for a person to say this, but I like the song God gave me. And i will sing it until it ceases to be a promise but a belief in my heart.

Putting emotions to a tune is therapeutic for me.

2009-07-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

I've had it with you, i really have.

I'm so tired of this emotional roller coaster ride. I am sick and tired.

I've been down this road before. It all looks so familiar. Holding onto shadows, holding onto shadows. Numbing myself to pain, to love, to God. God where are you?

I'm at my breaking point

But i can hold on to this pretense

Just one more day

one more day.

2009-07-24T20:34:00.001+08:00

I feel horrible. All stuffed up and feverish. I dont think i'll be going anywhere anytime soon.

Anyway its scary the number of people falling sick. Its like, 20 over now. Over the past week there were more people falling sick everyday and its so worrisome. Especially all those that are so dear to me, Elaine, Esther, Janella, Sis Fran, and the list goes on and on.

Please, everyone get well soon!

~~-edit~~

I'm starting to think you're a piece of my past. Everything that made you dear to me is but a thing of the past.

Which means i am trying so hard to hold on to shadows.

Shucks

I never really knew you

Who am i kidding man? (right, myself)

If you made those fb quizzes, those How Well Do You Know Me ones, i can confidently say, i would do well. I know whats your favourite colour, how you like your coffee, who are your childhood best friends, and what your secret wish is.

But if you think about it, those stuff dont really matter.

They're just facts, cold hard facts. But are they the important part of you?

No.

Who you run to when your heart aches, what makes your heart ache, people that make you smile. Do i know these things?

No.

Am i one of these people?

No.

~~And if i dont know the important parts of you what on earth makes me delude myself that i am important to you?~~

2009-07-21T13:22:00.000+08:00

suspected h1n1. 38.8 fever. LOA for a week

could life be any better?

2009-07-19T15:11:00.005+08:00

The past two days have been thick with God's presence. To say God graced us with His presence sounds too gentle for the way He came as a flood and so fierce, immensely strong, washing over flattening all of us and i had goosebumps, i teared and even today outside the chapel i could feel it. Something indescribable. It has been so long since the whole of IGNYTE has encountered God in such a powerful way, it has been a powerful two days. The band playing like God would come tomorrow and giving absolutely all they had into their worship and everyone else so desperate to press in and to seek and to praise, it is amazing, so amazing. The worship for the past two days was like it was our last chance to glorify and seek God. It was the kind of encounter i have been asking God for, longing for, the kind of encounter that would blow me away and refresh and change and renew. God is, God is, God is. And i am excited. Because this is just the beginning, this is the beginning of the new season, new level of worship God is bringing the ministry into and i have the privilege to be part of it. It is my utmost privilege. God is moving. God has come
It is something that i am unable to put into words.

It's been a very long time since God moved the way He moved today. Like it brought worship and the whole atmosphere to a whole other level
So today, as surely as the sun will rise you'll come to us no longer just remained a promise; It became a truth in my heart. Same goes for chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed. All these things turned from promises that I kept somewhere in my heart to a truth. To something that I really believe. A truth that God drilled into my skull today, into my spirit, into my thoughts. A conscious belief.

-Benny (love you benn!)

Mmm, and yesterday at altar call, God just reminded me of the things He has promised me two years ago, about my school, about me. That He hasn't forgotten, and He will come, in His timing not mine. I just need to pray and seek and believe. And when Sister FrannyWanny came over and prayed for me it shifted into an even deeper level. Lemme quote from memory.

"Give her a new anointing. Not just that of a child, but of a warrior princess, with fierce courage....O God, break her down, break her so you can build her up again. Yes, Ariel, you will be broken. You will struggle. God will break you and break you and break you, over and over again and you will cry out why, why, why. But in your brokenness He will pour out, in your brokenness He will heal, through your brokenness you will be made stronger than before, find yourself doing things you've never done before, through your brokenness something beautiful will be done. And then you will be built up again...... Thank you God for letting her realise her fragility, her fragility and vulnerability in you....And even as you continue to walk with God, He will not only began to reveal more of Him in you, but you will see more of you, in you. Yes, God will show you your character, your past triumphs, your past disappointments. Mm, Ariel, even your disappointments, He will resurface them so you can face them and deal with them because they are a part of you and make you, you. And so, you will not be kept. You will not be kept by your fears, kept by your...inadequacies...your insecurities, you will not be kept by, yourself."

It was so amazing for her to sense all of these things that i have never told her, amazing for her to tell me all these things that i failed to see. That yes, i'll find myself in God. But i can find myself in me, too. And yes, i will be broken. But in the brokenness there is You. And once again, as everyone's been saying. The only obstacle to me, is me.

And then afterwards we had a nice heart to heart cos i blurted out some things thats been on my heart for very long and i feel alot and i do mean a lot better now.

And the things around me may not be okay. But i know and i know and i know that i am okay.

As surely as the sun will rise...He'll come.

2009-07-18T09:18:00.005+08:00

COOLIO FRIEND(:

this post is for you

Happy belated birthday! I hope you got the biggest shock of your life yesterday(: hehe

You mean so crazy much to me. I look back on all we've stood through together and i smile because we couldn't have done it without each other. The times we would emo together and have combined suicide and leaving church pacts and the thousand and one other emo things we have talked about. And the laughter. The bouts of crazy nonsensical without reason laughter, they way we would laugh and laugh and laugh until we cried. Swimming and attempting to study with the gang at my old place, camwhorring like the closet bimbos we are using the photobooth, heart to hearting like there's no tomorrow.

Thank you for being the one to give me that verbal slap so i would wake up my idea, scold me to no end because you love me, put up with all my nonsense because you care. I really cannot fathom your patience with me. And I won't be the Ariel i am today without your constant believing in me. Cheesy, mushy, but true. I just hope you know how very appreciated you are.

I tried imagining life without you in it.

And i cant.

I really really cant

So cheers to the fact you were born 1 year and a day ago, to the fact there is an Esther Lee in my life!

[edit 9.15]

Last night we surprised esthercoolio(: hehe. The, say 15, of us trooping into Coffee Bean singing Happy Birthday at the top our voices. And chilling at the rooftop and chatting quietly to each other. It wasn't the usual ha-ha-ha-i'm-having-so-much-fun kind of time. It was more of the peaceful enjoying of each others company, contented in the simple being next to each other. Be it laughing at Hannah and FuWei's pitiful attempt at cutting cake, to the chomping on my Subway sitting next to Fuwei doing his ministry things and occasionally commenting. Or heart to hearting with Sister Esther about being real to ourselves. Or talking to chu as we went home at around 9 plus, the good girls we are. It was nice just being with her(: i love chuyi. let me quote her here.

"I think that I'm so caught up in stuff that my heart is faking all those dramatics just to get my attention. Quite funny to think about it this way actually, haha. So people, take good care of your emotional well-being. Your heart is a jealous creature; it desperately wants attention."

V. true huh.

2009-07-14T17:30:00.004+08:00

just for the record, I am posting somewhere else too, because...well just because i need to be open to myself(: But it's not permanent so nodds. Still updating here n everyth(: K moving on.

I met Sister Hannah ytd heehee. We went to eat at coro and we talked about everyth under the sun and laughed like crazy. We went to a christian bookshop ( THERES A CHRISTIAN BOOKSHOP AT CORO :DDD ) and then we went GROCERY SHOPPING for sis hannah's mummy hurhur. It was really really funny trying to figure out what "shoulder butt" was, quote sis hannah "they're so far apart!" hahaha we found out its meat. collarbone meat. anyway! and we lugged around the 5kg Spin hahaha. And we just went really high laughing at anyth and everyth in the hilarity of the situation. smiles(: sis hannah is awesome. cant wait till she gets her license, she promised to drive me around x) hehe. Mm and she introduced me to a song that i have completely fallen in love with.

Imagine Me Without You

As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
In my life, you're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you

When you caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rushed to set me free
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through
Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you

And this simple song really touched my heart because it brought me back to God in a way. Brought me back to loving Him and recognising that i am all i am today because out of Him. Sometimes we always get so caught up in everything and the busy coming and goings that we forget the easiest and most fufilling thing we have in this life- loving God. It's just this constant returning to God and loving Him and whispering, "God I can't imagine me without you." I really can't say more, all my words sound cold and flat compared to all God is and what He means to me. It doesn't suffice to say He's my everything, because He's more than that. I can't say He loves me, because its something so much more, something deeper and more meaningful than the human connotation of love. It reminds me of those bible verse, God abounding in love, Because of His great love we are not consumed, greater love has no one than this, he who laid down his life for his friends. Listen to the song. I hope it speaks to you as much as it did me.

~~Whoever told you you could choose your friends,~~

~~Well, they lied.~~

~~You can't, you never can.~~

2009-07-12T15:33:00.003+08:00

( edit 6.00pm )

elaine pls dont kill me:D

elaine. says:
i thot im a v funny person
arielmae(: says: )
HAHA
elaine. says:
i laugh at myself all the time
elaine. says:
haha
elaine. says:
bimbos dont use high class cam anw
elaine. says:
the cam look pretty can alr

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

_ _ _ _

"Even when you're singing things that you know are true, but you might not necessarily fully understand it? I think just being able to look at God and say things that are true of him, and declare the word of God and declare the promises of God, which is that... when I'm in the fire and I'm being refined, and when I'm in a battle and the triumph isn't here yet but it's coming, I think that you look at God and you say "I know that this is who You are" and he does get bigger in your life. And it takes over the things in you that feel so shattered. And it makes Him the focus. And He begins to put those things back together."

-Jill McCloghry, Desert Song

You know this song, Desert Song, holds so much meaning for me. There's a timeless message behind this piece of music because it's not just music, its our constant hearts cry. That all of our lives, in every season, God is still God. When i sing this song, i feel like i am singing faith into my life. And right now, there are things in me that feel so shattered...but I'm making God the focus in my life, declaring all He is into my situations and through that, He does get bigger in my life. There's such a desperation in my heart right now, to delve deeper into God and all that He is and all that He has. Because i've come to the simple realization that when the world fails me(and it will) and when i fail myself, i have nowhere left to run but straight to the Father, straight to God and as the song Hold My Heart (its good btw) goes, "I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me. I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me." , i know that God will turn to me and began to piece back everything together and remove the loads i was never intended to bear(: Not because i deserve it(in fact just the opposite) but because He loves me.

_ _ _ _

Hmm so Friday saw me going for Janet's birthday party(: It was fun, all 17 of us just laughing our heads off like some weird maniacs, camwhorring like the bimbos and himbos we are and heart to heart-ing like there would be no tomorrow. Oswyn was the joke of the day and speaking of jokes, the thousands of inside jokes that were formed, to name a few , "Pastor Andy!", "Crickets", "Eh boss!", "Ow!" and so on and so forth. I left at around 10ish, completely laughed out.

Saturday was jams where we learnt the Desert Song(: hehe and Sister Fran was so sweet/funny because we were talking abt what happened to my foot and then she was like "I see you jump later, i jump on YOU!" hurhur sister fran is the bessssttt(:

And FUEL, where i did glorify and forgot the chords for You'll Come, heh. And then Grow, where Haruki and I facilitated n it reminded me of all the times last year esther n i would pei one another when Sister Esther was not around. Smiles. Hahah and i laughed so much in cell, like Oswyn, PiWei and I were just cracking up over last night's inside jokes and the cell were just laughing at us laughing. And Oswyn was just being stupid, with his "Tall, dark and handsome" ahhaha. Like, "She's trying to make me into a loser (pause and says in a comical voice) but i'm not!" It reminded me of Sec 1 cell where me and ben and val and him wld be just going high all the time(: ah, halcyon days. lol.

Service was also good. Went up to pray for a couple of pp during altar call. And like yesterday was the day where i could feel God's presence so strongly. Like from jams to fuel to service, i could feel the holy spirit guiding me, teaching me what to say etc, especially during altar call and its such an amazing feeling, seeing lives being touched by God and God even choosing you as the vessel. I can't decide which is better, praying or being prayed for(: So yepp i serve an amazing God.

And even though i feel so heavy-hearted, there's a still small voice just assuring me, It's going to be alright.

2009-07-09T19:37:00.003+08:00

Nehemiah 4:20
"Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!"

Ah, the battle call sounding. Our God will fight for us. Have you ever heard such a fierce, declarative, trusting, assuring, inspiring, faith-filled statement? Our God will fight for us. Amen.

_ _ _ _

Funny how some things can slowly creep up on you, without you realising it. it's so freaky. and you never notice that all along the feeling was there. Or like how friendships can come and go sooo quickly that sometimes you won't even have time to think abt what to do or how to respond but then you find friends whom you can click with in less then a few months and you feel like you've known them since forever. Hah and like when you wish for sth so much, it never happens. but when you don't even rmb wanting it anymore, it happens when you least expect.

I sound so contemplative.

I probably am. I am a very contemplative person. Which is a nicer way of saying i think too much and my brains simply on overdrive. School's been leaving me coming home so frazzled with the hundreds of different things i need to do and it's so stressful i tell you. You know even i don't know why i'm so frazzled :/ Don't tell me i'm like stressed for no reason tt wld be quite funny.

Anyw i rmb making a mental note to blog abt my fun day in class this afternoon.

OKAY PAM SAY WAS HIGH TODAY. Scarily high. Like in chem she wrote me this really dumb siao letter and stole all carolyn's pens. tsktsk. hahah we laughed so much today like in Amath we starting laughing for no reason and wrote this story. I shall post the picture up. Cos there are illustrations. yay us XD we are so pro. hehehe PIG LOVES POTATO PAM (: idk why i started calling her potato. but its so cute she responds okay ahhaha.

then in english like we all went high telling Karen Tay about like TV shows and Desperate Housewives and how they teach you abt unprotected sex AND FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES OKAY. DO NOT USE ME AS AN EXAMPLE. Hahha. I secretly think they're all kinda not v gd looking. i watch gossip girl. where everyone is hot. and i want season3. out. now. D: anyway, digression. Yeah and we burst out into random song and i laughed until i cried. ahahah with Karyne( the unlikely asst head prefect) and Chien Hui behind me and pam we end up singing alot hurhur. And i dont mind because we're glorifying God with our voices in class and tts such a good thing(:

Oh i rmb ytd before dance nicole( the v unlikely head prefect) , sarah and i went to the piano, ( they put one in the canteen. but after hearing nicole play i feel v intimidated and noob so im nt gonna play xp) and she started playing still then this whole bunch of sec3s gathered round to sing along(: hehs. Oh dance! I didnt realised how much i missed the familiar tracks and exercises and ms fong and the dancers and the pohster. Me and TianXinTian were being noob nerds and char and i were dancing lying on the floor and then nic and sarah joined us after the moral reasoning workshop i had to attend the day before for pp with no morals, tsktsk. haha yay i love all my friends (x

After sch i went to the doctors to check out my foot, apparently my achilles tendon is inflamed and its a reccuring injury which means if it doesnt heal up properly this time the littlest thing could set it off next time and it'll take months to heal and the smallest action cld cause it to flare up again so its v v impt tt it heals up fine IF NOT I CANT DANCE ALR. and its sth tts really worrying me :/

And when i got home tdy i chatted away with Hannah and we got really stupid and she made me laugh so hard, hehe i love her to bits, i wld post our convo here but its kind of...HAHA. Oh wells. Its hilarious. I was laughing in front of my com screen like some weirdo.

Anyw God and I have been close lately. I'm v happy abt tt cos He is my bestfriend after all. bigsmiles. Three cheers for God, who's been putting me back on track and refocusing me on the things that matter most. You know i was doing this facebook application quiz, Which Bible Book Are You, and one question was Choose One Word To Describe Yourself. and out of the 8 options, i chose the word, created. Because that's what i am. I am created and there's not a more apt word, more concise and meaningful word to describe me(: My close friends will get where i am coming from. I serve an amazing God. An amazing, amazing God.

2009-07-08T19:52:00.005+08:00

I walked home after dance, shuffling painfully down the pavement, dragging my stupid, annoying, swollen, red, gross, foot with every step i took. But it was worth it.

The sky was beautiful today. The clouds were glowing with some hidden light, perfectly shaped and arranged in the sky as if God had painted this pretty picture just for me to see, hung in the sky just so, the different hues just so, the light shining through just so.

And i sort of imagined that if God was going to return to us it may be on like an evening just like this one. His glory would fill the skies with an amazing light and the air would be filled with something fierce, unmistakable. Jesus Christ, El Shaddai, Jehovah Jireh, Adonai, Alpha and Omega, the same Shepherd who came to rescue his beloved sheep so many years ago, would be here again.

~~i feel so shattered right now. If i didnt know any better, i'd actually say my heart hurts :/~~

2009-07-04T20:31:00.006+08:00

And, God says, I made you good.

After a thought-provoking short sermon and lives being returned to the arms of the loving Father I slinked off to the back to Hannah. This are excerpts of what she told me.

" I love you. Esther loves you, Jelly loves you, and i'm very sure Elaine loves you too. And we love Ariel Mae. Not the Ariel you were, not the Ariel you seem to be, not the Ariel you're going to be, but the Ariel you are....
You are called. You are special. I see so much in you now, imagine where you'll be in five years time? Sister Ariel maybe, or you might be serving upstairs in CM. Look, the only one who's stopping you from reaching where God's intending for you to go, is you....
You know when P.Da was preaching, God spoke to me about you. I was so burdened, for you. Ariel, i know you're struggling. And I know his sermon was so relevant. And if only you had responded to altar call, i would have gone up to pray for you. Because i know this what God wants you to know. He loves you."

And after she said those last few words i just started to cry.

Its a journey, its a journey. And I'm my biggest enemy. What people tell me make sense. Guess I'm the only one not making sense to myself? I'm not going to love myself overnight, though. It's a journey that God and I have to walk through together. And at the end of the day, i have the victory. And I know that with the same quiet confidence that i have that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.

And so, i dedicate this post to Hannah Lee Jia Yi ( mdm chua. ahem. coughs. lol)

Thank you. I know i MIA-ed awhile but after Friday night's HTHT i'm so sure we're as tight as ever. And i thank God for you, i really do, not for the sake of it but because i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I know you really understand, everything i go through. I pour out my silly 15-year old worries and you share me you 18-year old ones. We laugh, we talk about the most absurd, silly, crazy, utterly wrong and shouldnt ever be talked about things, we heart to heart like nobodies business, we share everything with each other with no pretenses to hide behind and its an equal exchange. I can tell you the nutsy-est things and it doesnt even matter because youre equally as nutsy. hurhur. You're so dear to me you know that?

And spending all that time with me after service today, talking things through with me, making me see reason, explaining everything in such a simple way i could have slapped myself for not seeing it earlier. You helped me see. You really did and right now i feel so hopeful. I really do. I feel hope, I feel conviction. That I'm gonna take the irreversible step forward and not look back to the old. That I am good. There's really no one like you Hannah, you're just so one kind. And i believe in you so much, so much. I believe that you too are called. And that you are gonna walk in this destiny and you're going to shine so brightly. You're also so much stronger than you think you are. You have so much more in you than you think you have. And you mean so much to me and to every single one around you, so don't forget. You are loved(:

_ _ _ _

The little things make up the big picture, Hannah said to me, and she's so right. Charlotte's silly smiley message, PiWei telling me, " You have a great calling", Becky, signing out for me. Esther, sending me a encouraging song, Lynn giving us candy from Europe, ChuYi texting me asking, You alright dear? Alison and Jelly giving me a hug. Eugene poking me as way of saying hello. Ben passing me his candy. Reuben calling me over and cheering me up and making me go ttly high praising God. Gabriel Fang patting my back and saying everything's gonna be okay. Hannah pulling the HTHT sisters in for picture taking.

These small things. They make my day. They matter. They matter a lot.

Thank you(:

I've got my priorities straight. I need to trust you, trust our friendship and know there's not a need to fight to win you over. Know our friendship's not based on how many times we talk/ see each other. But really, i cant figure you out. You leave me hanging almost all the time yet i can't tear myself away, ~~even though sometimes around you i feel just so useless.~~ You mean something to me. A lot to me. I know you know that. ~~But what do i mean to you?~~

2009-07-03T13:42:00.004+08:00

hi all. ariel your lame captain speaking. (: hehehe. school was awesome cause pam was there. and she's at my house now so i don't have to become depressed with my dog. HAH.
hmmm. i am so crazy. laugh at anything and everything. tsk. serious problems up there in the head. someone help? please? hehe.
i don't know what to say now. oprah is still on the tv talking about CHANGE! lol. for america that is. obama can only say those few words. haiya. can someone improve his vocab. HAHA.
i shall go and sleep like a pig now. you know what? today i self- proclaimed to be pig. cool right. oooh. (:
k. gotta go now. BYE WORLD.

If you think that was me....

I don't really know what to say to you(:

Anyway on tuesday Pam came over after school and we jammed away in the playground.

wednesday and thursday i took up permanent residence on the couch.

I swear on thursday i only moved my butt four times, one to grab my phone, one to eat lunch, one to grab a book, and one to eat dinner.

The rest of the time i either slept/read or watched Ellen Degeneres or The Nanny. Not Oprah. Because Oprah is boring. And yeah being sick is no fun. at all. And i was telling Elaine, i'd rather be in school. Because on Thursday it ( the cold) got so bad that my ears were blocked up too, other than being tired and unable to breathe properly and feverish and nauseous. And it hurt. A lot. ( low pain threshold) and so. I shall spare you the details and just say that i hate being sick even though it allows you to miss school.

I was so grumpy ttm, thank God for Elaine my fellow pig who cheered me up ( yes i was a self proclaimed lazy pig) with her comforting silly words and made me smile. And Charlotte who sent me a ":D" text for absolutely no reason other than she felt like smiling at me. Awws(: i have great jies hurhur. I slept more than i was awake basically over those two days. The couch is very comfy(: Haha, Tong ( my 7 year long with a bit of gaps inbetween bimbo friend) is sick too. And she too is claiming the couch as her second bed. Cheers to the couch pigs(:

And sorry to disappoint you girls, not H1N1. No quarantine required haha.

BUT i'm better now! So i could go back to school and get grossed out by Mrs Tay who used up 45min of her lesson story telling us about her pregnancy ( No way im having a kid now) and squeezing into our allocated eating home cooked food for recess. Ah, bliss.

Haha, and then after school Pam came over and we pigged out (pardon the pun) on ice cream and gave up on watching Oprah and went on the comp instead. We spilt the ice cream all over the place, my dream of being a scoopy at B&Js is now dashed to smithereens, sigh.

Yay i'm gonna watch Ellen now(:

_ _ _ _

anyway i was singing the old song the other day. Purify my heart. and the chorus goes.

"refiners fire my hearts one desire

is to be holy. set apart for you my master

ready to do your will"

and it reminded me of how we all shirk from this "refiners fire". When we think of refiners fire we think of pain, we think of trials, we think of things that we dread to do, we think of all the things we know we need need need to step out of/start doing but are to scared to, we think of sins God needs to purge from our lives, we think of all the things we are so reluctant to do and how it will be so difficult and painful.
Do you think of any of those things?
Well its basically true but God's also showing me the necessity for the refining process... so we will be made pure and more like Him. And He does it out of love for us. Really when you wanna get down to it, i think it hurts God way more than it hurts us.
Instead of thinking of it as a cold, hard, discipline, think of it as God's love gift to us. Because God discipline is reserved for the ones He loves.
And instead of dreading it, counting down till it ends, wondering why it takes so long, is so hard, hurts so much, we should actually long for it shouldnt we! as the old song goes, " refiners fire, my hearts one desire, is to be holy" We always say, God less of me, more of You, or God, make me like You. But when we say that we're asking God to refine us. To refine us and take away all the impurities.
So refining really shouldnt be a dreaded thing for me(:
It should be my desire.
Make it my desire, O God.

2009-06-29T14:42:00.003+08:00

Sunday was good for me because i was reminded me of how God sees me.

And that's as me.

Not as friend Ariel, or high Ariel, or SP Ariel, or dancer Ariel, or dao Ariel or whatever other tag or label that precedes me but just Ariel, no masks to hide behind, no facades to cover up with and He loves me all the same, and that is beautiful, that is so beautiful, thank You for loving me, O God.

I don't really know how to describe it or what words i can use to depict the encounter i had with God so i'll just sum it all up with, God is good, God is very good(:

Coming back from altar call and seeing Elaine crying is very....for lack of a better term, heart pain. I was content with just putting my arms around her like she's done for me many a time. I know God will take care of her. Because our Daddy always takes care of those dear to us and of course Elaine is very much dear to me. And you know just standing there together or sitting down, leaning on each other, quietly crying or whatnot, in really comfortable silence, it just shows me that there can be so many things or words to say but there is no need to say them because sometimes the silence speaks for itself and is worth more than a thousand words. It was one of those funny, rare, precious moments where it was my turn, my turn to be there for her and that means a lot to me. Elaine means a lot to me and I'm v sure she knows tt hmm?(: And i know God is taking very good care of her(: She's in loving hands, i'm sure.

And God is showing me a lot of things through her. Numero Uno being that His Love for me is manifested through her. And secondly that maybe yes, things can be that simple. Friendship can be that simple, no connotations, no hidden agenda, no catches. It can be that simplistic, give a little, get a little, buckets of laughter, a pinch of companionable silence. I just need to accept it as it is, as a gift, from God to me, such a beautiful friendship, and stop looking for flaws.

School today was quite funny. A whole lot of the class were missing so Pam and i sat together and giggled and talked and sangs songs from I Have A Lot! Yayy and we're gonna have a sleepover soon! And she's gonna come over and guitar and do amath. Pam Say is the bessstttt:D Good to see JingYing again too, my very responsible deskmate tt I pangseh alot, i'm so sorry, hurhur. And its funny to see the teachers all walking around stern faced and have checkpoints with nurses in the foyer. Okay it was a bit scary, but only to me cause i'm chicken, tomorrow we'll have to sit in classes for reccess, lalala.

i hope i dont fall sick :/

2009-06-26T09:57:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was Life Charity Concert, well done everyone who took part, really brought the house down:D Amazing job, amazing. Hannah Lee was the purrfect auntie, she's never gonna live it down, hurhur. heehee and the dancers were really awesome too, love the hair XD

overall it was v. v. good. Even though we laughed inappropriately at certain parts. Like when Eugene Kwok swept Delise off her feet. ahem. coughs. lol.

anyway yeah before tt i went to watch Transformers 2! It was okay la, i think the first one was better. BUT Megan Fox is hot. Let me repeat, Megan Fox is so hot. It is entirely impossible for her to be a man. If surgery could make you tt gorgeous the whole world would be trannys. Heh. I'm talking random nonsense.

Oh and i met up with Vals after long ages! We held hands and sashayed down orchad road, giggling at the guys and their noob sense of dressing, yay, i love her ttm:D

ANOTHER THING THAT TTLY MADE MY DAY YTD. I saw P.Gary at LCC! I was so happy to see him, i haven't in very long. He gave me a hug and made his funny face haha. he asked how i was and we talked about some things and i had a very silly grin plastered to my face after that, hurhur. Pastor Gary is the best (X

I was like looking through his christmas/birthday cards to me and his text msgs and i was feeling all nostalgic and filled with this my-pastor-is-love sensation haha. It's really nice how he still looks out for us even after he moved on to CM and its v funny when he sometimes has a verbal slip while leading adult worship and tries to rahrah the congregation with "Come on, IGNYTERS!"

Oh and on Wednesday i met up with Becks for lunchh at the Soups Spoon in Paragon! Then we went around to posh shops pretending we were all ATAS and high class people in shorts and hunted for prom dresses and chased each other around with make up as ammunition. I love becks she makes me laugh, when you put us both tgt we'll both go v hysterical heh. But now as we're older we've calmed down a bit. Last time coke was the terror of the whole EXIT cast because jelly and i were around ahah. As Elaine says, dont wait till you're older to do all the silly things.( she's talking abt herself heehee)

Speaking of Elaine, she was another one that made my day! She did sth very uncharacteristic of her, at least to me and wrote a note on fb for me, awws. Was quite surprised actually. I read it and i couldnt help the smile that automatically appeared on my face(: anyw, i was very encouraged by it, thank you dear. I'll post it here(:

'You remember the old Roadrunner cartoons, where the coyote would run off a cliff and keep going, until he looked down and happened to notice that he was running on nothing more than air?'
'Yeah'
'Well,' he says. 'I always used to wonder what would have happened if he'd never looked down. Would the air have stayed solid under his feet until he reached the other side? I think it would have, and I think we're all like that. We start heading out across this canyon, looking straight ahead at the thing that matters, but something, some fear or insecutiry, makes us look down. And we see we're walking on air, and we panic, and turn around and scramblel to get back to solid ground. And if we just wouldn't look down, we could make it to the other side. The place where things matter.'

- Jonathan Trooper in The Book of Joe

Love you lainegay(: i feel loved now, hurhur. Esp by God, who's love for me is manifested by the amazing amazing friends he's placed around me(:

2009-06-23T19:57:00.002+08:00

Past few days haven't been good days. In fact i think i sort of succumbed to an emotional breakdown kind of thing. Thanks Eugene, Becks and most importantly Elaine for being there for me, your concerned text messages and everything(: I'm okay now. Heh, actually no, i'm not okay but I'm learning as we get older being happy/okay has less to do with inevitable emotion and more of the constant, conscious choice that we have to make that despite our circumstances we can be joyful because we know at the end of the day we have the victory.

Hmm so many things are changing now. My good friend the Crap King( derived from our past crazy msn convos. i dont think you want to know our other nicknames haha) is stepping up and rising up to become a leader and i'm very very proud of him because i know it is so not easy at all and it requires sacrifice and lots of heart pain, heh, and he's been through a lot to get to where he is now but i'm just praying that he wont go subtly changing on me like another of my best friends did when she took up the mantle of leadership.

Another very close friend of mine is leaving too :( and when he told me i got such a shock i teared ( and cried later so he wont see me, too paiseh, haha) and i'm gonna miss him and our heart to hearts and random laughter so much.

And another friend ...hah i don't know what to say. I miss that friend of mine. I miss our hugs our giggles our bimbo moments. I can claim the change doesn't really bother me but at the end of the day i go to my room and shut the door and face the fact that i was only pretending. I see the facade you and i sometimes hide behind, for our separate, unknown reasons, and i feel so sad and i want to shake you and say, can't you see i'm here for you, still, no matter what status? i look at your old blog entries and see how often "my dear ariel" used to pop up and bit by bit bitterness has taken up residence in my heart.

And there are other things i can't really explain. Things are turning out to be exactly not the way i thought it would be. And i'm hermitizing more, talking less, laughing less ( i miss the times where i'd laugh till i cry, abt absolutely nth, and fr tt reason alone i miss school) and thinking a whole lot more.

And God's just teaching me that He's my constant, my North Star, that every breath i take i'm breathing in His Strength and that instead of building up my treasures on earth i should start storing them all in heaven(: And as everyth around me just keeps changing my heavenly daddy will not.

And it isn't easy. Because i'm just a human, just a girl. And i get scared. And i get emotional. And i forget to guard my heart, remember Gods promises for me, and countless other things. We are all subject to human fallibility. So at the end of the day, if i want to get through all this, i cannot do it alone.

Slowly, i have to let God break down everything i've built up, i have to come before the foot of the cross and painstakingly lay everything of importance down, until i'm broken, empty, bare. And then God can use me. For a broken and contrite spirit He does not despise.

2009-06-20T21:17:00.006+08:00

-edit 12.20am-

Talking to Benny is somewhat therapeutic.

Benavon; says : know its hard. know there's many things on your heart that you don't say. know that you feel v. v. alone (abandoned by God, friends, etc.)

Riel says: Mm.

Benavon; says : know how it feels, being unable to do anyth about it but ride it out (but before we get caught up in the negatives) know that you've made the choice to hang on to God and people will respect that. Being strong simply means going to God and saying i cant do this but i know you can and just let go everything and let God take control because some things are just too heavy for us to carry. Not thinking about it doesnt make us strong.

And to quote her, i really need to set up my altar for God at home, cry a lot a lot, release and let go. but right now... i can't.

_ _ _ _

Past few days haven't exactly been okay. In fact i've been far less than okay. But as Riel Tan told me, I must commit it all to God and learn to be joyful through my trials, because the joy of the lord is my strength. And i have the choice to be joyful, and it'll be okay. The situation may not be okay but i will be, cause God's by my side. Love you Riel(:

And i have to thank God for such good friends, that He gave me so many people to encourage me and stick by me, and sometimes the most unexpected ones! Shalyn, whom i called Thursday night when i was really overwhelmed. I had other people in mind that i wanted to talk to but i'm really so glad in the end it was her who stood by me that night(: I've been really blessed by her and her butterfly glitter stick on tattoos. OH hahah we all had them including the manliest of the bunch, gene and adriel.

And then, Gabriel Fang with the hidden depth. But really i was really very encouraged and bolstered by what he told me and Fang really has a lot in him that most people don't get the chance to see-his nice side. Haha, i kid but really i'm glad we were stuck together for the whole thursday life conference session. We talked and shared about random, stupid, utterly gross and deep things. And it was very interesting seeing the PL girls make fun of him because it reminded me of like how me and fang were like last time, constantly jumping down each others throats and aggravating each other just for the fun of it. I have to admit i had a certain feeling of superiority hahah when i watched them and i suddenly felt like i had known Fang for long ages. Its safe to say that Fang and I are tiiighht now haha. He really was like looking after me the past few days ( theres a hidden gentlemen in him ) and God's been speaking to him about me, i am very grateful.

And Charlotte! another new life conference friend. She's elaine's long time friend and she was telling me about the scandals of their time haha. And she was being so nice and concerned for me when i was really zoned out, tired and upset(: She, Ben, Eugene and I were like eating KFC and subject hopping and digressing madly and laughing and being unglam eaters and forgetting or train of thought/conversation i enjoyed myself very much that dinner(: She's just so sweet and petite and i love her ttm:D

Of course there's becky whos always always there always has been always will be:D and how could i forget FUWEI:D i had a nice talk with him before jams today, in which the sectionals, elaine was mentoring, applause for SISTER ELAINE hehe. Sam and I were abusing her status, it was funny. "If SISTER elaine says so...." AND SISTER HANNAH CAME BACK. When i saw he i tried to sneak up on her but she was like "ariel what you doing come out!" and i just squealed and ran to her and gave her a big really long hug the longest hug ever and after that i had this gigantic grin plastered on my face and i went back to ann giggling and then she made fun of me, walau. anyway digression! Yeah and we had a short heart to heart, more to come. FuWei's really like my big brother, the countless times he's been there for me when i needed someone.

Looking at the whole post, i think i'm very blessed. God's given me good friends, as Elaine said. Of course not forgetting Elaine in the bunch of good friends. And many other good friends i've failed to mention as it doesnt really pertain to the past few days.

So overall life conference was good, the plenary sessions and revival meetings spoke to me alot and yeah i'm quite disappointed that i missed the second day but well, God have your way.

There's quite a lot of things i need to surrender.

You know i hate not being okay because i hate seeming weak. And i havent been totally okay in the longest time, really. But i'm just trusting God will bring me through, as Elaine would say.

broken and contrite heart, He will not despise

2009-06-16T18:37:00.005+08:00

I met my favourite bimbo girlfriend Elaine Gay today, after a failed homework session with Jelly(:

We went notebook hunting at Cathay, then Taka and Borders. If left up to Elaine we'd have ended up at a) Marina Bay b) knocked down by a taxi. Hahah we almost took the wrong train! Oh and we saw Eugene Kwok coming from a hehehe secreeeetttt. Elaine was all sad and sulky (HAHA only she and i know how exactly sad she was) and busy moaning howhowhooow because she needed a TAWG notebook but in the end we managed to find a nice book with neon pink insides, heehee. And then she was sad and whiny because she was broke, how very elaine of her haha. Oh and we were looking at funny postcards hehe and we were just talking and talking yayy. We always have this argument of maturity and its really quite hilarious to see her defending her supposed mature demeanor and subsequently squealing over a tiny monkey hat or the like. Elaine, oh elaine. How very mature thou art. OH NAT I KNOW WHO PAUL FRANK IS NOW HAHA. And we both are very much predictable to each other. She's supremely picky and i have a tin pencilbox. Nodds. Haha. Oh and we kept static-ing each other the whoooolleee day haha.

After notebook shopping we went to do our nails, just as we were wont to do. We decided older girls paint their nails to look younger and younger girls paint their nails to look older so Elaine got princessy nails heehee. and our talk shifted to like serious things. heh and it was a bit ironic because at one point our conversation went parallel, heading in the same direction but to separate things and i don't think she had a clue. and she shared some things with me too(: OH OH OH AND FIRST TIME EVER ( i also suspect the last) I PAID. Yes, its a big thing. I treated her finally. This time she'll have to find ways and means to stuff the money back where it came from like i had to last time-all the time. then the bus stop sign thing ttly cheated our feelings and on the bus she sat down and i just leaned on her, another first. I feel very accomplished HAHA. If treating Elaine is an elusive skill, which it is, for the record, i think i am fairly proficient at it already!

I have to keep reminding myself she's an IGNYTE leader now, its dead easy to forget. I am very proud of her for sacrificing what she did, how she's handling everything now. She's so strong and made of steel and spendour haha. It's really, truly not easy for her and her dedication and love for her youths is so commendable. I guess i'm saying it for all the leaders, there's a lot they do for us that we don't see, and i'm just getting to see it with Elaine, because though she is a leader she is firstly and foremostly my best girlfriend-sister. They should have a name for these kind of friendships haha. Anyway i really appreciate her and all she's done for me.

I had a very good talk with Pastor Gary yesterday, its always good knowing someone really believes in you. We were talking about insecurities and where you find your stability in and how you can ground yourself in God. Good stuff i learn a lot from this powerful man of faith. New season and that means a new verse here it is Psalms 51:17

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

To just remind me what exactly i should lay at the foot of the cross, and how the condition of my heart should be and most importantly how i should always always always come before God. I'm not sure if its a funny verse for a season but whenever i hear this verse something always clicks in my spirit and i will always say, O God, take all of me.

2009-06-15T10:56:00.002+08:00

A broken and contrite spirit, you will not despise, O God, a broken and contrite spirit you will not despise.

It's never instantaneous, it's a process. A process i will continue in until God has finished His refining, until the dross and impurities are removed. Long enough for Him to finish His work, not so long as for me to burn out. God you know me inside out, outside in. My whole life is yours, i give it all, surrendered to Your Name. And forever i will pray, have Your way, have Your way.

Proverbs 17:3

The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold,
But the LORD tests the hearts.

wordy post sry sry:D

2009-06-12T15:08:00.005+08:00

Okay so on Wednesday i met eeeelllaainne gay dearest and had the best time:D

I met her at 1ish and then we shopped around. We walked in circles EVERYWHERE.
We went from Orchad MRT to Wisma to Lido to Wheelock to Lido to Far East to Taka to Wisma to Wheelock and then finally to the bus stop i think we burned plenty of calories.
We went nuts over cute kiddy clothes that were so teensy tiny. We went to all the kids section and Elaine made it her aim to find all the cute small girl kind dresses and use me as her model hah. It was like shopping with my older sis, actually it kinda was(:

Then we went to Starbucks and i saw Chyna who thought me and Elaine were like sisters, pretty cool huh! Coffee and cake and chilling with the philippina ( HAHHA) and then we went to watch Hannah Montana.
Yes, Hannah Montana.
I know, i very evidently expressed my disapproval of the Disney Channel Movie butttttttttt! there really wasnt anyth else to watch! heh. and it wasn't that bad. Except Elaine and I laughed at all the wrong bits that i think the little kids found not in the least bit stupid. Not laugh, guffawed. Really loudly. Really. And then the cute cowboy came on omgomgomg everytime he smiled elaine and i would squeal and giggle and grin madly at each other like a pair of loons. After the movie we saw a shirt that said I heart cowboys, how very very very apt haha. But the ending was so unrealistic elaine and I were laughing while the rest of the kiddies were singing along, haha! I think elaine was the oldest there. And we picked out clothes tt Miley Cirus would wear haha and we laughed nonstop abt the heiniken advertisement haha and she told me all about her mission trip, yay she survived, and about balut, HAHA and oh my it was just really nice catching up

I love shopping with elaine she has v good taste haha! I really like spending time with Elaine because well she is the bigger me after all and Elaine has this funny way of making me feel like I'm special, I matter and it's something I used to depend on alot but not anymore. I enjoy her company and I think we complement each other well(: I think God planned out friendship v nicely n a few months ago I know I thought the exact opposite but I'm glad things turned out the way they did. No matter what she'll always be my jie and I think tt some things never change and some people never really leave your life, despite circumstances. I think some friends will always be special to you, there will always be different phases but it won't change anyth and yeah(: elaine is one of those people.

Then on Thursday was SP Empowerment where God moved powerfully and really restored me and brought closure to the old season i was in. I think ever since like feb event i never really moved on frm there ive been kind of stagnating and not being grounded in God so like i've been up and down and up and down and it was just so hard to keep running and running and running and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but i guess you dont need to see it to believe its there. And at one point i tried to be strong because like Ariel Tan was so strong i wanted to be like her and i didn't want Elaine thinking i was any lesser. and a part of me was always feeling not good enough.

when i felt inadequate i looked for other things to satisfy myself. friendships, love, achievements, words of encouragement, affections, position, acknowledgement. and this became a part of me, something that rooted itself so deep inside me that after awhile i just accepted it for what it was, that i'll always feel simply not good enough and there's no other remedy than this.

i kept going to those empty wells....until yesterday when God sent FuWei to me to pray over me in such a powerful and prophetic manner. Something about his prayer really woke me up. It felt like a slap in the face. A good one. hah that doesnt sound right but who says it has to. And at that moment something within broke and i fell to my knees sobbing and returning to God and saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, take all of me, take all of me. to live for christ is to die to myself and i think yesterday i did. Time Of Death :5.40pm. or sth like that and yes it was so painful because it was something i was so used to and God was just uprooting me and planting me in new soil, godly soil.
I was so broken yesterday, broken before the Lord.

And during the annointing point of time God's presence overwhelmed me and as i lay there i saw a picture, a picture of a tree being uprooted and being placed in new soil but it was surrounded with slabs of concrete but God told me, I am moving you out of your old ways and into the new, and even as you press on and war, war against your obstacles, you will overcome and claim victory because you will be so hungry, so hungry to draw near to me, to draw from the source, to yearn after the things of mine. and even as He spoke i saw cracks lining the concrete as the roots warred against it.
And God told me He would give me a new heart. A heart for His people, a heart for my generation, a heart that would bury itself in all things of God, a heart that would be bold and fearless, a heart that would not long after self gratification but God gratification. It was truly a breakthrough in spirit for me.

Another highlight my dear buddy Shalyn(: i think it was ttly planned out by God because by lunch we were already sharing deep things, giggling, taking pictures in the bathroom. And when we had dinner Shalyn and I sort of sat on the steps and ranted and it was nice(: She's really really sweet, such a dear.

Then jelly slept over, hehe!

_ _ _ _

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY

_ _ _ _

I went for a walk with God yesterday.

We walked and he asked me, Daughter, what do you desire most now?

I though for a moment and answered, "To be more like you."

"Alright," God said and He brought out a hammer and a chisel.

"What's that?" I asked Him.

" You said you wanted to be more like me. These are the tools i use. I chisel away the things that don't work in your life, the things that don't look like my Son."

"Oh...alright. Well then, go ahead and chisel."

And then God began His work.

"Oh, looks like you've got some pride here. Very judgemental of others...alright, you need to do some clearing up with you mom." He paused awhile and looked at me.

"It hurts," I said.

"It hurts me more," God replied and continued chiseling. "You've got some bitterness here. Some anger, some pain."

"No i don't!" I cried and pulled away. "What do you know God, what do you know about me?"

God looked at me steadily. " I know everything about you"

"Maybe, we could just take a break. No more chiseling for now."

Suddenly God asked me, " What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"I see me."

"Then i need to keep working, because you need to be able to see Me."

" No, God. Just...don't. Don't touch this bit. Can you take away another one instead?"

"Look, this is what you're doing, you are trying to control. You want to control things in your life,you want to do things your way. You keep going back to your old ways, things that do not work in your life. You keep going back to these empty wells, whenever you are hurting, whenever you're lonely or tired, but they do not work! Your thoughts are not my thoughts, your ways are not my ways. Do you want me to chisel or do you want to control?"

I squared my shoulders. " Chisel away. Just...be prepared for what you're going to find in me. Because i know who's inside of me and God, i get up every morning and i look in the mirror and i see this scared little kid who gets up everyday and tries to act like she knows what she's doing, like she can hold it together and hide all the ugliness beneath, but i can't God."

"You've listened to so many other voices other than mine for too long. Listen to me, you're beautifully and wonderfully made, my love for you has no boundaries. Daughter...reach into your back pocket."

I did, and i pulled out a piece of paper. "Its a page from my diary, when i was a kid." I said.

"Read it."

"Dear God," I read.

"Today, I'm letting everything go. I'm not going to hold onto anything anymore. Your word said, You will make me into Your Masterpiece and use me for great things. I don't see how it's even possible. But, i want that, i want that with all i am. So please do whatever you want to make me to who you want me to be, because You matter more than myself.

I love you, God"

2009-06-09T18:14:00.010+08:00

Tag replies:

Shana: Sureee thing:D covenantals!

Gid- Yayyy random talks and laughter soon k giddy:D

Ting Yan- Haha most welcome dearie(:

Val- Yesssss you too are a beloved child of God. Miss you like the SUN MOON AND STARS. heehee

Alison- Hello my dear blur queen. Yes yes yes. very very soon! :D

_ _ _ _

i need to get used to the new dynamics, where love language is twisted.
Where coldness needs to be translated for warmth, angry, harsh words for affection. Where priorities shift so drastically that your whole world spins off axis, where once was conviction and values and belief in the good and the right, everything now based on the simplistic convenience of time and distance. Where at the end of the day to survive you need to be able to detect the nuances of gestures, where there is that subtle shift in what one would would find irate to one that would be loving.
Does that even make sense?
Nothing makes sense.
What love is this?

_ _ _ _

As Ms Fong said in dance today, " All of you girls are tired. But some of you, when you are tired, you give up on yourselves. Don't do that"

And i think this unexpected sliver of wisdom from my otherwise cute-lovable-funnaye-blur-ultimate- fave dance teacher can apply to much more than dance.

I love dance, i love dance. When i dance i feel alive, when i dance, i thrive, when i dance a smile wreathes my face and i'm suffused with this euphoria and i feel like everything is magic and i can wrap the world round my little finger. When i dance well, i feel like i can do anything, anything at all.

I love my dance mates, i love how we're so bonded and together. Dance the past two days have totally made me smile. From Ms Fong's funny mid-sentence pauses, being Paulina Poriskova and teaching us how to tell horror stories, to our favourite phrases, "CAN YOU NOT" and "No...just...no", to roundhouse kicking each others butts, to dancing our beloved Metamorphosis, all in the name of fun, to lying on top of each other in one huge pile, legs in a tangled heap and talking, to catching each others eyes mid-dance and grinning at each other, to all the epic epic epic moments, HAHA you know what i mean, to laughing and screaming and giggling and all our trips to macs and back, this gaggle of confident, cool, crazy girls in black.

I have no clue when this whole family spirit started, when it began to percolate through the dancers, but i am so blessed to have all of them, i have no idea what i'd do without them. Cheers to our Bintan chalet trip and speaking with a British twang and finding British husbands and midnight scary movies and CAN YOU NOTs. Char, Sarah, Izzie, Xin Tian, Yu Xuan, Nicole, the whole bunch of you, lovelovelove, i am so grateful.

On my very long walk home from dance today, What If played on my iPod, and i thought back to EXIT. Ah, good times. And one thought led to another, about how i thought things were, how i perceived them as, thought it may or may not have been necessarily the case. And i came to the conclusion that on the inside we're all the same really. Some of us hide it better than others but basically when everything is stripped away and the facades are gone and the pretenses have dissipated, we all fear the same things, yearn for the same things.

And we all need God.

love unfailing

2009-06-07T16:02:00.003+08:00

Service was very good today. Very good indeed.

I think there were many things that came to light into todays service that i had simply grown too accustomed to, to notice that they were there.

After service Brother Titus came up to me and wanted to talk to me. We sat down and he told me how God showed him a picture of some things. And then he prayed for me and i started to cry. haha, so embarrassing i kept wiping my eyes so he couldnt tell when he looked up haha. But what he said and the picture and words God placed in his heart about me were accurate and true, and each and every thing he said hit each and every of those numb spots.

After that i kind of sat beside Esther, buried my face in my hands and cried. And jelly came over to comfort me like old times. And i cried even more when i started talking about it. heh. After that I headed over to Sis Fran, where she asked me how were things. Then we sat and had a good talk and the first prayer of the season of her being back, ahah, as she phrased it. Something v comforting about talking to her. Heart Sis Fran ttm(: Ya-ya-papaya friend:D

Its all well and good saying you are strong in God. It works, very well. Of course things will be easier to face knowing God is on our side. But only if you admit you are tired first. Which i guess i haven't done.

Yes, things are hard. Yes, i am tired. But yes, God will strengthen me.

Ahh, sounds much better(:

After all that there was the usual indecision and "where are we going ah" it was almost like back in the "sua che and toh" brother-sisterhood days, ah how i miss them, wave of nostalgia incoming.

Do i make sense?

Guess not but anyway, half of them headed down to lido to watch Pop It Lock It Polka Dot It Countrify It Hip Hop It Ms Hannah Montana ( expressing my disdain in the excessively long title) have fun wasting your time and money friends! While Eugene, Abel, Ivan, Fredrick, Adriel and a couple other boys went down to Adam Hawker to eat lunch. I wasnt the only girl, as abel said, i had eugene. HAHA. Oh my Abel was in suaning mode today. And Eugene was oh so condescending and up in the air, hahaha. I have a new name now. Small Girl. Oh, goodie. And Adriel just had to sit next to me and intimidate me while i was eating.

Hmm, next week i'm busy on monday and tuesday, Modern Dance! Yayy. Hahha, i shall get Nicole to write my speech yeah Char. Thursday is Empowerment and the rest i am free so book me for GSS shopping and dates and whatnot:D

Nope, i havent touched my holiday homework.

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”- Psalm 90:2,4

2009-06-06T21:36:00.004+08:00

I sat beside Esther before FUEL.

We sang, we laughed, we stole things.

Not really, actually.

We giggled, we chatted.

It made my day.

Miss you much. Not only Esther...Shana, ChuYi. Valerina, Janella, Rebecca, Gideon, Krystle, Carolyn, Alison. Elaine Gay.

Yes, miss you much. When i think of you, i think of how time flies and widens the gap between the times where we spent time with each other, of how we spin in the same circles and pass each other by. When i think of you, i make lists of things to tell you, which i promptly forget when i see you again. When i think of you, my mind conjures up images of the old times where we were still as busy, but had so much more time for each other. When i think of you, i count down to when i can see you again. When i think of you, i pray for you. I pray for you, every night.

For such a powerful service, i feel strangely empty.

But i know encountering God is not limited to the Trinity@Adam Chapel.

Only you, Oh God, only you.

When you come to the realization that God is the sole purpose for your existence, that He determines when you sit and when you rise, that He is first priority, that His Words should be the words that comfort you, spur you on, make you find meaning in the simple act of getting up every morning, that He comes first....

He comes first.

_ _ __

You know what I think hurts the most? The feeling of being replaced. It’s like no matter what you did, it wasn’t enough. And no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, doesn’t seem to work. And you’re suddenly left thinking that you’ll never be enough. And a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.

2009-06-03T12:47:00.004+08:00

Firstly and foremostly, Elaine is back! :D :D :D haha, one week was too long for her to be away. Monday night i stayed up past midnight to chat with her and last night i was talking to her because i couldn't sleep, so yeah its pretty nice(:

Anyway, on Monday, it was PERFORMANCE DAYYY. I woke up and dragged myself to school.

Warm ups then we had our lunch. We ate downstairs with MsFong, me and Sarah helped Cherish eat her Jap Curry, haha. Hair and Make Up, it was our turn to help the younger ones to do their eyeliner, eyeshadow, etc. And before we knew it, time was up and we had to head of to the freaking huge ASCI. Over there it was dang funny hahah. To name a few, Cherish and her " Can i have a piece of your butt?" ( cottonbud HAHA) and imitating "Macbeth,Macbeth, Ambition and Death!" Haha, some students made a macbeth rap and were trying to be all ganstaaa. trying. trying very hard. And it was so hilarious we couldnt help but imitate them, cherish came up with some super awesome moves and so did xintian. Its on facebook, if youre interested on viewing it, ahha. The backstage people were totally laughing at/with us. Oh and after the dances were over, Sarah, Cherish and i were chilling backstage and Cherish, v smart, go squeeze her zip lock bag to her body and then it burst in her face, epic epic epic, sarah and i were shaking in silent laughter on the floor. More epic backstage moments, when a teacher flushed the toilet in the middle of a speech and EVERYONE could hear, or when Cherish knocked down the freaking fire extinguisher, we laughed so much that day, super funny ttm:D

Plenty of pictures, all on fb, plenty of videos, our dances, all on fb. I fully enjoyed myself tt day, nodds.

TUESDAY

Okay, went out with char and sarah. Met at the bus stop and bused down to holland village. We went to starbucks to chill and cool down. Me and char went down to buy our drinks and i dont know how but we simultaneously came up with the same idea when we saw the chocolate cake. We bought a slice, asked for candles, and since they didnt have any, we stuck stirrers in, haha! The baristas were totally laughing at us, haha. We crept up the stairs and sang a happy birthday song for sarah, one month early. FUNNY TTM, we video-ed it down, it was hilarious and spontaneous. Camwhorred, alot. Went down to the pet shopped and saw cute doggies and all, went to Sasa and smelled all the perfumes, bought frolicks! Yummy(: then we headed back to my place where we watched the Uninvited.

SCARYFREAKYCREEEPYNEVERAGAIN.

We were screaming like mad and burying our faces in pillows.

We headed down to the playground and acted like kiddos. Char played on the seesaw alone and she was like " I'm playing with Uninvited!"

Camwhorred. alot. Headed down to the pool, swam, did silly things, camwhorred some more, grand total of 144 photos, quite the record, for us. All on fb. heh. i had a lot of fun:D

I'm super looking forward to our dance outings, with sarah char cherish and nicole, rollerblading, swimming, sleepovers, frolicks, shopping, yayyy:D I'm excited and totally loving the hols.

Oh and last night i couldnt sleep at ALL. Me being so smart and all went to wikipedia the uninvited before i slept so i could understand the plot fully. A bit too fully, and the images kept going roundroundround in my head and i got so freaked out and scared that sth was under my bed and every time i heard a noise i jumped. Serves me right, NO MORE THRILLERS. I texted elaine and then after awhile i managed to fall asleep. Dreamless sleep, thank God.

Now i'm just slacking at home because i finished uploading the thousands of pictures. Tomorrows EL oral but no one is really bothering, oh dear(:

God is Love

2009-05-31T10:34:00.015+08:00

Okay, I've officially moved to Spanish Village! Walking home from SP Empowerment with Meiyan felt super odd on Friday, hehe. Oh and i think Mdm Wang Li is awesome possum. She is very cute, like when she gave me back my report book she talked a bit in broken english and then she said, " Congratulations!" Hahah! Also on Friday, Modern Dancers went to ACSI for rehearsal, hahah. We were in complete awe of the school's grandeur, their chapel made ours look like a broom cupboard, and when i was telling Fang abt it yesterday he said it was the smaller one! Anyway, us sec threes went utterly high and crazy on the bus back, laughing at the top of our voices, waving to random people, singing very off key, making weird noises and telling lame jokes. Nicole, Char, Sarah and Cherish are loooveee, hehe:D And all the sec ones were kinda staring at us like we were some freak show, haha.

Anyway, yesterday SISTER FRAN CAME BACKKKKK. When i saw her we both sorta screamed and hugged and screamed some more, yay yay yay i haven't seen her in ONE YEAR, and thats too long! she hasnt changed a bit except her hair is longer now haha. LYANNE CAME BACK TOO, when i going back to my seat i felt someone poke me and i turned around and it was my dear teddybear from battle call! :D She hasn't changed much either. And it felt like ages since i had seen either of them.

Also, yesterday was WATER BAPTISMMMMMM FOR MY DEAR SB LYNN CHENG:D

Super duper proud of her okay(: Seeing her standing up there to testify of God's goodness and grace in her life, it just reminded me of my own baptism, a little more than a year ago.

I can remember sharing my testimony onstage, hearing P.Gary say "Amen!" when i shared a verse -oh you know i saw him ytd and i sort of squealed HI PASTOR GARY in this really high pitched tone and everybody laughed heh-, and the prayer he prayed over me before dunking me. There is something very touching about baptism services, something i can;t quite put my finger on, but it is so uplifting to see so many people take that step of faith to follow God, to stand in front of the congregation and give glory to God for what He has done. you know what moved me the most was seeing how much each and every one of them loved God. How some of them teared as they shared how they'd been found in the arms of love. God, our father, is the complete, all encompassing, expression of love. God is love(:

It also got me counting my blessings, and thanking God for what He has done in my life, and what He is doing. I'm going to make it a point to do so more often, because we don't only thank God and share our testimonies before water bapt, or in services, or in the Trinitarian Magazine, but we should do so all the time because God deserves the highest praises(:

The new Hillsong album is giving me goosebumps. I keep listening to the songs, they fill me. God fills me. The songs for this season indeed. I wish i could post all the lyrics here, anointing flows from the songs, such spirit led songs they are.

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

Oh God, let this be my hearts cry.

I don't need to see it to believe it. I don't need to see it to believe it. This life is Yours. Hope is rising. Tear down these walls, tear them down. This generation has been numb for too long, let Your love tear down these walls.

2009-05-27T20:19:00.004+08:00

ELAINE HURRY BACK TO SG ALRD I HAVE VERY IMPORTANT STUFFEMS TO TELL YOUUU
and I kinda miss you. A bit, juuust a teensy bit. Haha(:

I'm learning that if God calls you to something, He will prosper you in it(: I hv a love thats better than life!

nothing without god

2009-05-26T17:43:00.004+08:00

'the prayer of inadquacies and weakness will cause god to pour out his power and cause a breakthrough in our lives because that's where we begin to realise that we're nothing without god and that we need god in our lives. and that's when god comes into the picture and he starts to pour out his power and then we will experience a breakthrough'

i am nothing without god.

-elainemummy

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...... For when I am weak, then I am strong.

_ _ _

My results were way less than satisfactory but seeing as the whole cohort didn't do too well either, and its only Mid Years, its alright i guess! Taking into account the huge amount of "studying" i did, its quite a miracle i scraped by with the results i had!

Actually it was quite funny because the level average for SS was an E8 and for once in my life my chinese paper 2 results was better than my english paper 2! haha, immah ( quote val ) CHINAMAAASTERXZXZXXZ. :D :D :D

And i want to thank God for my biology, chemistry and literature results, hehs.

Last night i had a funny chat with FuWei, and i tried mothering Elaine and sending her to bed, hehe. One week will pass by in a flash yes and she'll be back and we can have our long awaited bimbo outing. Smiles(: Something occurred to me just now and i automatically reached for my phone to text her when i realized she was in the Philippines! heh.

ohhh for those who don't know yet, I'M MOVING HOUSE ON THURSDAY. Loong Meiyan, here i come! hehe:D

Okay i'm watching Ellen Degeneres tata!

2009-05-24T16:18:00.003+08:00

My Saturday was really very good(:

I missed half of FUEL because i was doing publicity but i had a fun time with Nic Lam and Desmond, i must say Felix and Nic looked quite funny in their school uniforms, i enjoyed myself thoroughly laughing and suaning Felix haha. Nic kept getting owned by little kids.

We had to do publicity in service, quite embarrassing :/ haha!

Service was great too. For me, i was not sure whether i should answer to the altar call. But i felt such a tugging at my heart, i went up front and just was still in the presence of God. The message was more relevant than i realised, about certain things that i had grown cold to, even grown accustomed to, things that i had grown used to, things that i ought not to be numb to, but i was.

And God even spoke to me, and brought about people to speak to me, through powerful prayers. Sis Vivi, Sis Varina, Shana(: Sis Vivi, she came over almost immediately, she said everything that was on my mind, that was troubling me basically, and she saw a picture of my heart, which had cracks and lines all over it, hurts that went so deep they never healed properly. And she saw God even filling them and healing them. Sis Varina saw a crudely shaped object, blackened almost completely. And she saw God's hand come and wash it away, the hurt, the bitterness and when He was done, there was a beautiful pearl. Both leaders had absolutely no idea about my past, or the things i was hiding, but God used them to speak to me.

Its time i let go of all those hurts anyway. They were only holding me back from my destiny in God. And it's not right for me to define myself by those hurts, by the words of others. It's not right for me to define myself by my past, basically.

Sometimes we blame ourselves because we have no one else left to blame, sometimes we doubt ourselves because its easier than believing in ourselves, sometimes we forget the painful things because its simpler than dealing with them.

But I'm believing i can now, because God brought about such a restoration and i'm filled with conviction now. That my God is bigger. I don't just know it, i believe it. Because it says in the bible, if God is the one that established you, you won't be moved, that not one one of the promises of the Lord has failed, that i am beautifully and wonderfully made, that i am a child of God, that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

And there is a distinct difference about being happy and being joyful.

You know what, the joy of the lord is my stength, it is my strength. And i can do all things with God as my strength, i can do all things in God. I can, i can. I can be strong because God is on my side and if He is for me, who can be against me? And if i continue to look to God first, if i continue to rely on God, if i continue to walk closely and seek God, I can be strong because that strength is not from me.

The strength is from the knowledge that the King of all Kings, the one who causes the sun to rise, the one who causes the world to spin on its axis, the one who causes the sky to fall in perfect symmetry, is in control. And God your ways are so much higher than mine, so much higher, i will never understand, so i will stop trying to(:

Job 23:10
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

And such a release comes with that knowledge. For the longest time i wanted to be as strong as Ariel Tan, as charismatic as Janella, as pretty as Alison, as "cool" as Mel Khor, as annointed as benny, but no, i'm me, and i think if its good enough for God, its good enough for me.

I'm not afraid of being me, of being weak, of being real and vulnerable.

And no matter what comes my way, i will stand firm on the solid rock and i will not be moved.

I will not be moved.

Had a nice talk with Ariel Tan after service, it was a really nice time. I like listening to Ariel Tan, i really admire her strength(:

On sunday, i headed down to church, stayed for worship and after awhile, i went outside, chatted awhile with Nat, Hannah and Fabian. They went inside and me and nat had a heart to heart which really showed how much we both had grown(:

Then i had another nice talk with Elaine, heehee. She was like,

Elaine: "EH! Why you never reply my sms!"

Ariel: " I was asleep what"

Elaine: "So what! I got so worried okay, when you didnt reply!"

HAHA, for those who don't know wild horses wont be able to drag me from replying elaine's messages. And Elaine knows that full well hahah. I slipped her 7 notes in her bag hehe(: ELAINE YOU LOVE ME RIGHT, MUMMY(: I'm so grateful for her, i dont know how many times i've said this but nevermind, say again. So very grateful for someone like her, someone who knows how i think and how i feel, someone i can be totally silly and myself with(: Haha we talked rubbish and made funny faces at each other. After all that, headed down to Macs with the gang where we got very high singing and laughing and i got owned by Eugene teo :( And then to CCAB where i totally baked, playing some volleyball and watching the aggressive soccer playing guys. Haha.

Results out tmr :/

I'm just trusting tt God's gonna bring me through(:

Treasure

2009-05-19T17:47:00.002+08:00

And although at times she forgot who I was the first thing she'd say to me was, (again, in chinese)
"I wanna see you get married, but I think I'll be in heaven by then. So let me tell you this. Where is your heart? Your heart must be in God. Because when you put your heart in Jesus you will see that everything he does, he does for a reason. And when you learn to trust in God everything will be alright"
And she'd always, always have that shine in her eyes.
I miss her.
- written by a very dear friend of mine.

I want to bury my heart in God(:
I would like it when I grow old, and perhaps get forgetful, my heart would be so deeply buried in His that if I could only remember one thing, it would be that He is faithful
And if I were not able to recall moments of joy, moments of sorrow, if I ceased to remember those near and dear to me, if their identities became a blur and their meaning lost to me, God would have captured my heart so completely I would still be able to remember Him. All else may fade but He will, He will remain.
I would like to be able to smile at those precious to me and even I would not be able remember who they were, I would be more than able to tell them, "Place your heart in God, for where your heart is, there your treasure will also be"

Luke 12:34

- - -edit 5.45pm- - -

Dance training today was super duper crazy and stressful :/

I am aching all over from yesterdays training, then still must dance today!

Oh yesterday Mrs Tan was talking to me and Sarah and Cherish. We are apparently future candidates for Chairman position but i'm not very sure if i want it. Guess i'll pray about it because maybe God left me in MD for a reason, so that i could try my best to get the MDers to dance for God, you know? But nothing is confirmed and it's a lot to think about. But i think we three are all kinda reluctant. That is an understatement, actually. Haha.

Now that the seniors are gone, it's our turn to take up the mantle. And with 4 dances to learn, about 4 more practices and 5 of us leads, we're being spread thin, and i never thought i would be complaining about getting leads and solos and duets and all that jazz but i am. The pressure is insane and it is so frustrating when i am not able to absorb all the movements, leading to my inability to perform. I think i'm being quite ungrateful though, I know many other dancers would kill to be in our places but it is just so draining on you. I mean, two days, two dances! Its crazy. The teachers are just rushing all the choreography out and most of us are just regurgitating it and struggling to remember the sequences.

Today's training was rather torturous to begin with. Ms. Fong was rushing to complete Synergy and i swear, it is the most tiring dance! It's worse than SYF because i am now onstage all the freaking time and running, rolling, jumping every-freaking-where. Me and XinTian have this duet thing which we keep screwing up, and both of us, plus Charmaine, have no time to even breathe. Basically, from start to finish, we're onstage.

And the last bit of the choreo is really confusing and we kept getting screamed at by Ms Viv for not getting it and Ms Fong lost her temper too, and i guess all in all it was a very frustrating morning.

But we got a bit of a break. We took a drink, had a quick bite, vented on how unfair and stressful it was, and how being leads were not as all as glamorous as it was hyped up to be, and got ready to learn, yeah, the second freaking dance. When we couldnt even internalize the first. So this time Sarah, Yu Xuan and I were in the more prominent roles and the dance is really cute(: At least the things we have learnt so far. And Ms Fong took more time to focus on the rest of the dancers, so we could slack a bit. So things started to look up, haha! I guess after the exam break our bodies and minds were totally unconditioned to the strain of dancing and the toll it takes physically and mentally. Everywhere is aching, i'm hobbling around like an old lady and guess what, for the next two days, there's STILL training.

But its not all bad, we made up some funny dances that we're gonna film tmr, and Char and I totally learnt the whole of the nobody nobody but you! dance everyone is singing, haha.

I was originally supposed to meet Elaine today but she some MIT stuff to do last minute so yeah. The AlphaTrackers are leaving on the 26th and are going to be away for about one week. Which is tooooooo long for Elaine to be away D: D: D: Awww! Haha but i know they're gonna have an awesome time(:

God loves me!

2009-05-17T19:43:00.004+08:00

-Edit 12.30am-

OH i forgot one impt thing! JOELLE LAMBERT came backkkkk <3> heh.

Missed her so much really, i was just very glad that we could sit together and giggle and catch up. I'm so happy for her, its good to see how she's settling in with her new church. Proud of her ttm. hahh, she's just so sweet, love her too bits! She's such a dear(:

_ _ _

I was very reluctant to start this post, mostly because whatever i am going to type will be a complete injustice to the reality of things, to the ineffable goodness of God and how it is simply beyond words.

On Saturday, during Worship Experience, Pastor Andy suddenly started calling out my name. He was saying " You know, Ariel" and i thought i was mishearing things but i was not so. He started speaking things into my life, such as acceleration in growth and not dwelling on the past but on the things God has in store for me in the days ahead and to stop questioning God. It was a bit of a shock to hear my name but i just teared hearing the words i needed to hear.

Then on Sunday, it was just...amazing. God came as a flood, a tangible presence that filled my heart. We were just singing Hosanna when God began to stir my spirit. And as we sang the chorus, Hosanna, hosanna, save us, save us. I was standing, but in my spirit, i was on my knees, crying out for my generation, for myself. Save us, Save us, Oh Lord, Save us. In our brokenness, save us. I was singing, i was smiling and, without realising, i was crying. It was such a wake up call, right there at the place i was standing. We transited into the new song. Singing, Jesus, transform me from the inside out, and this time i was singing for myself. I immersed myself in God's presence, and it felt so good, like i was coming home.

And when the bridge of I Will Go started, i fell on my knees, and i just stayed there, tears streaming, as God came and did such a restoring work, such a healing, such a renewal, He took my hand and reminded me of how it felt to be loved. As Brother Titus prayed "Don't let her go, God, finish your ministry in her" It was really just God and I, in the secret place that i had missed so much. He was just speaking to me, and speaking to me, and speaking to me, and it was a true God induced cathartic release. Lingering in His Presence. Hearing His Voice, feeling His Touch. Letting Him come and piece back all the pieces, heal all the hurts, cleanse me from the guilt and doubts and fears and such an infilling, an infilling of Him.

I could have sat there forever. Stayed in His Presence, His sweet, sweet Presence. He was reminding me of when i first met Him. When He first grasped my hand and walked alongside me. How He first washed over me like the approaching tide, and showed me how much He loved me. How it was Him, not anyone else, but Him, my first love.

He was telling me it hurt Him when i hurt. He was telling me all those times i cried He cried too. And when it hurt when other people didn't place me in the same importance as i did them, He hurts when i didn't value Him as much as i should have.

But all the same He loved me.

He loves me, He loves me.

I believe it now. He never let me go. Since after Take My Hand, when i shut out His voice and listened to the ones telling me my life was not worth, i was not worth. When i numbed myself to the self-distaste and hurt, as well as His Love and Grace and Mercy.

He never let me go.

When i doubted my self worth, i doubted my friends, blamed myself for my family's situation. When I told myself no one cared and i isolated myself from the well meant advances of friends. Of God.

He never let me go.

I was so stubborn, so stubborn. Refusing to see. I was complaining on how others did not see me, yet i myself was completely blinded.

He never let me go.

He was always there, waiting for me to come back. Waiting for me to take His Hand, so i could climb out of the rut i was stuck in. Waiting for me, simple as that. Sometimes i did take His Hand, but as soon as i found it too hard to hang on, i let go, fell back into my own self constructed pit.

He never let me go.

What a God i serve. What a patient Shepherd. One who has such an all encompassing love, willing to wait and wait and wait for this certain lost, stubborn, blinded sheep.

Right now there is only one phrase resonating in my head.

I am loved, i am loved, i am loved.

I am loved.

My heart feels like its filled with helium.

I could fly.

_ _ _ _ _

After that, i waited for Elaine to finish her debrief, than i snuck up behind her and covered her eyes. Haha. She knew it was me, sadly. I gave her a bigbigbig hug and smiled. This is another thing i cannot find words to describe. But you know, God has blessed me immensely with a friendship like ours, a sister-bimbo-girlfriend-big-me like her. I was silly to ever doubt her. God is totally blessing this friendship of ours

LCE was funny because we were all so restless, we went very very high. Hahah! Chetwin's neck got pink dots and crosses and Teo's arm had streaks of it. Krystle was busy supplying us with pens from behind. Haha, and I had to sit next to Fang for 3 hours, such suffering :/ haha! He couldn't shut up really, worse than me, most of the time i had to choke back laughter on all the stupid things he said/did. And eugene was being really dumb. He even insulted my dog -.- There was plenty of jacking of, ( as usual ) Janella and I. And we were all just laughing and laughing. Haha, they are my favourite people to hang out with(: In LCE, church, dinner, movies, or just plain chilling, haha, theyre the best!

God is just too good to me. He leaves me at loss for words because this whole post is only a fraction of how amazing He is. We sang this song during LCE, i'll put it below. Its chinese but i think chinese songs are always so beautiful(:

Truly we have someone that loves us. So much that we don't really need any other love but His. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I bet God has so much more in store for me, and so much more in which He can show His Love for me.

Similarly, I'm going to love God with everything i have and put Him first in all i do(:

I think love is such a short word for all it encompasses, especially God

I just know everything is gonna fall into place now.

I'm not going to bother with fancy words or long phrases, just this simple four words

God, I Love You!

2009-05-16T11:07:00.000+08:00

I've just read benavons blog and it hits home again.

"But above all else God is still God; and you are showing me that it is only through trials, only through trials will the human spirit place down it's pride; admits it can't do it anymore, stops fighting and finally is humble enough to realise that Hey, we can't do it on our own. "

How come I am able to surrender the big, tangible things but not my emotions, my doubts, my hurts, my heart?
How come I do not question the fact that sometimes it rains, sometimes flowers bloom, sometimes a rainbow streaks across the sky like a beautiful ray of hope and promise? There is so much beauty in the works of His Hand, no doubt about it. But there is also pain. Indefinitely, there is brokenness and loss and heartache, hidden between the rain and the rainbow, buried in the cracks in the sidewalk.
Why?

Always two sides to it. Many of us humans have the mentality that for the joy to come, there must be pain. For every smile there must be a tear, for every laugh a sob could follow. For everything we get, something must give.
Why?

I guess it comes to a point where there are no answers left except to give in. Stop trying to reason our way through, stop trying to figure how not to slip through the cracks, stop thinking, period. But instead throw everything at the feet of Jesus. Because we weren't made to carry such things, no matter how much we like to think otherwise. Throw aside that... Illusion of strength and self reliance, and turn to the one who saves.

Sometimes I think for Superman to show up, there has to be someone worth saving. And sometimes, I wonder, am I? Belittle my problems, belittle myself. But god doesn't really work that way. We are all in need. We all are in need of saving in some area of our lives. Just whether we admit we need the saving. Whether we let ourselves be saved. Whether we let go of our own ideas and just trust in His ability to save. And He is able, so able.

Maybe it may not be the big things that destroy us.
Maybe its ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, our doubts.
And in that case, it's quite evident its time to surrender and let God bring about a restoration, a well needed restoration.

why

2009-05-14T12:39:00.005+08:00

Exams are over everyone!

A lot of people are having the feeling of release, but funnily enough for me i just feel like i'm lacking in something to do. It may sound weird but i've taken to cooking lately. ( I'm gonna get fat :/ ) I cook, i bake, and i do it because it gives me one more thing to focus on and less focus to put on other things. I guess baking is therapeutic for me because if you follow the recipe step by step, letter by letter, if you are conscientious enough, careful enough, you'll know exactly what you'll be getting as your end product. Which is more than you can say for most things.

Anyway after paper ended yesterday, i met Pamela who was in beach attire, haha! We headed down to Holland where we walked around, looked at adorable puppies and ate Frolicks! I bumped into Mel Khor at the bus stop. Her expression was hilarious (:

Then we went to town where we ate Subway, shopped abit and then went to Borders to read christian books and chat hehe.

One thing i keep wondering about is why there is so much brokenness. I ask God, why me, why my life, my family, my friends. And God doesn't seem to respond but I'm just clinging to God, because thats all i can do. I was talking to Benny last night, and I was really encouraged by what she said, i guess we're going through the same thing. Press on Benny, love you (:

You know i love the way God works things out. Like how, once i needed encouragement and i asked God to send comfort, and i got Benny's email. And recently, God prompted me to message Benny and in turn i realized at that moment she had been asking God to reassure her. Or when Benedict was talking to me about certain things and God gave me the words to say and after i said them, they impacted me in turn. It all comes full circle, and i think God can't help but make us smile(:

philia

2009-05-11T12:26:00.003+08:00

Please be okay, please.

_ _ _ _

"You don't have to say i love you to say I love you." you said with a shrug. "All you have to do is say my name and I know"

"How?"

When i looked down at you, i was struck by how much of myself i could see in the shape of your eyes, the light of your smile. "Say Cassidy," you instructed.

"Cassidy"

"Say...Ursula"

"Ursula," I parroted.

"Now say my name" and you pointed to your own chest.

"Willow."

"Can't you hear it?" you said. "When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth."

- Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

_ _ _ _ _

I was thinking of yesterday. How the time i spent with Elaine wasn't very long at all, but it felt right. It is ironic how i always talk a mile a minute with her but i always have a clear, distinct feeling that if I sat there without speaking she would understand what i hadn't said. And that, I wouldn't have to say anything, she'd still be there. And that it was comforting to lean on a dear friend that you haven't spent much time with for ages, and feel so at home. Philia, friendship-love, Gideon calls it.

I thank God for placing such friendships in my life that come from completely unexpected sources. Put God as the foundation and get your perspectives right, and it can become the most beautiful thing(:

2009-05-10T18:36:00.005+08:00

Stoning with Elaine Gay at McDonalds ( then the bus stop ) for no more than half an hour, was probably the most peaceful I've felt in a while. Maybe because it's so comforting to know despite the craziness of everything around us, the constant change and busyness and the mundane hectic everyday things, it hasn't gone so far that we could not sit together in rather comfortable silence and simply stone (:

-edit-
My jacket is red striped and its my favourite jacket everrr:D I shall use it to tell you about my day! Okay so, my jacket smells of Sister Cherie's perfume on the right sleeve ( When the perfume spilled in her bag before service and she smeared it on me and alison) and weirdly of Elaine ( i have no idea why except i sat with her awhile) and greasy french fries ( because i was at Macs, playing cards with Mel, Val, Ali and the whole gang, singing songs with Josie and dancing Nobody But You with Mel and Gid, attracting many stares) Alright, the jackets going in the wash now(:

2009-05-09T20:07:00.002+08:00

Today was one of the days where you kind of want to be alone. Left alone with your thoughts and God because you're slightly tired of the world and what it has to say.

Quote ChuYi

" Without God you can call it insecure.

But factor in God and His covering makes it in(secure)

Which is a comforting thing to know"

Yes it is (:

_ _ _ _

I'm letting go the need to know why, cause You know better than I

2009-05-06T18:03:00.009+08:00

Hmm. I really really hope so.

{EDIT} Because its annoying how sometimes you reach the breaking point and feel like giving it up for real then at that very moment they come back laughing, demanding to know how you are, letting you know they missed you, exactly like they never left, and despite your best efforts, you fall for it. Your guard comes down and you let them, no, welcome them back into your life.

All over again.

And before you know it the cycle repeats.

_ _ _

BIOLOGY IS OVER!

It is a total cause for celebration, biology is the most study-intensive-chock-full-of-things-to memorize-and-long-complicated-terms-for-the-simplest-things subject i've EVER taken! ahahha i think my brains chucking the semi lunar valves and enterokinase and thrombokinase and whatever-kinase into the bin right now:D I feel freeeee!

Even though i still have, lets see...

E Math Paper 1 (friday)

A Math (tmr)

Chem ( tues)

History (tues)

Lit (wed )

Anyway, i had a good weekend last week! I think Pastor Gary really made my Sun-day, haha! We went to CCAB ( at 3.3o, study study study study. HAHAH inside joke ) and played soccer and volleyball and totally drove P.Gary up the wall with our AWESOME sports skilliozzz.hehe Before that we were "studying" at mine. I've given up trying to study in a group, its the least effective way to learn, most effective way to go crazy, if you want proof go check out my video on facebook. Alison (especially) Esther, Janella and I went trigger happy and nuts for no reason at all.

Monday was chinese paper, Tuesday was SS and English, writing intensive! My hand died on me, heh. And i had "the feeling" about my compo! :D but the teachers may not have the "feeling" hahah but whatever. Screw MYEs.

I want to do so many things after MYEs, i want to go shoppinggg with Charmaine LJY and play with Sarah's dogs, i want to go for Suhana's still imaginary modern dance ice cream outing, i want to go out with ShuJing and Lynn and camwhore and take glam photos, i want to chill at home/serenes with the churchies and jam at Jayni's house. I want to go to CCAB and suck at all the sports i play, i want to go East Coast and ride bikes and rollerblade and tan at the beach, i want to watch 17 Again with Janella Ang, i want to film more retarded videos with Janella, Ali, Esther, Eugene, Chet and Bunny, i want to go for Hannah's 15th birthday partayee, i want to sleepover with becky and bake and run in the rain with her, i want to have lunch/dinner/chat session with Ann, Gideon, Val and Ben my sec1 cellies, my SBs, covenantals, mel khor, ariel tan, meiyan, natty watty. I want to have a bimbo outing with Elaine Mummy, i want to stay out late on Vivo's rooftops and have heart to heart talks.

Basically i want my life back, hah.

Anyway last night for TAWG i was reading this-

Psalms 93:1-4

The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
the LORD is robed in majesty
and is armed with strength.
The world is firmly established;
it cannot be moved.

Your throne was established long ago;
you are from all eternity.

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

And it just served as a reminder to me that the God we serve is mighty to save. And if you anchor yourself in Him you have nothing to fear because He's the one who has established you and whatever doors he opens no one can shut.

Similarly, what doors He shuts nobody else can open. ~~( and i gotta get used to that )~~

“ I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don't teach you to walk away from someone that doesn't love you. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don't teach you how to let go. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing. "

2009-05-02T12:44:00.011+08:00

----Edit 8.30pm----

THE FIVE THINGS THAT MADE MY DAY (:

1) Krystle coming up to me and telling me she dreamt that i was sitting on her knees and crying and she was comforting me and hugging me and it felt right and nice. When i heard it it was a major AWWWW moment heehee i felt super loved (:

2) Valerina came for service, and me and her were just going crazaaayyeee jumping and screaming and clapping and doing the "Ooo Ooo" thing. It was totally like Riel and Reena back in Sec One, going completely nuts praising the lord. I was grinning like mad, and it was THE best praise session this year, as filled as i was with the joy of the Lord!

3)PASTOR GARY CAME BACKKK * huge grin * i just love the way he preaches, with such fire and passion. His message was very much relevant to me, wholehearted devotion, no distractions, entering a new dimension!

4) God moved. Though i haven't reached the point of closure yet, i'm on my way. And God is with me all the way!

5) I had a really good heart to heart with anniewannie after service hehe. *inserts bouts of insane AA ( ariel ann) laughter* I found out we're quite alike in the weird things we do! But what she said made me feel better -and worse, cause the truth hurts ~~all the time~~ sometimes- at least she really understood how i felt. Haha, halfway i was talking and i started to tear and this woman went to bring a whole box of tissues to present to me, haha! But really, i feel slightly better and hopefully. My fellow conspirator! :D

On the 1st May..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PANDY!

hehe.

I met jelly at the bus stop and we 855-ed down to Vivo, where we bought Carls Junior and headed over to a very crowded ttm Sentosa to eat and chill. There were some weird indian guys who asked to take our pictures, eek! Waited for the rest to come, namely esther, Hannah, abel, eugene kwok, changjie, eugene teo, fedrick, barnabus, adriel, fuwei, brenda, chetwin, sister raine and pastor andy himself :D

Played a card-dog and bone game, i was team leader with eugene kwok as my "agl" , my team lost and we had to do some human mochi forfeit. Get in the water, roll in the sand! Then we played around in the water, cooled off, had a good time of sharing afterwards, mm. Played Captains Ball! Only girls could score and MY TEAM WON HEHE!

After a really quick (and funny ttm) shower, we all headed to wait for the bus, where we commenced singing really loudly, Teadrops on My Guitar, I'm Yours, Don't Cha, When I Grow Up, you name it we probably sang it. Haha! Then headed on the bus, it was quite a long ride back but i had a realllyyy gooood heart to heart with FuWei(: Its really nice sharing stuff with him, both good and bad. What he said about the different things i'm struggling in was very relevant, very helpful. Some of it i heard before, some of it i hadnt but he phrased it in a way that seemed...right? It felt good to tell someone who understood and could give me relevant advice, practical, emotional, spiritual and i really felt so much better after our talk(:

Ate at the food court at harbour front, joined by Alison love and nathan with his new hairstyle, haha! Chatted abit, started singing AGAIN, played Dont Forget the Lyrics! (the girls. fuwei included haha! ) It was quite funn until the people behind started muttering, so i guess our voices weren't very nice :P

So we sang softer, sweeter songs. Old songs. I really like old christian songs, there's so much soul in them, so much heart. Nodds(: Went to vivo city, the rooftop area, sat by the railings and camwhored abit, then us girls had a heart to heart talk, while some guys played cards and fuwei, eugene, and abel had their own heart to heart.

The heart to heart i had with Ali, Hannah, Esther and Janella was probably one of the best ones i had this year. Smiles. We felt each others pain, haha, and basically vented and got quite worked up. Also, there was the hugs and consoling haha. It was so nice up there, in the cooling air and the dark night sky and the beautiful lightings. It was a special night for me(:

Jessica Leigh Griffith basically sums up our whole heart to heart. heh.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more. This is for the girls who don’t give it up, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in jeans and sweats and sneakers, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is for the girls who wait silently in the wings, who are only too comfortable with the phrase "if only".This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is also for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
Most of all, this is for all of us girls, who know the saddest thing is that you can love someone, and still be wrong for them.

__ __ __ __ __

My dear hannah, alison, esther and janella. ( quoting hannah here) I'm here telling all four of you too, that you're good enough. We all are. It doesnt matter if we're less pretty or less skinny, or less cheerful that this other girl - because we're beautiful in our own ways yes? Who cares if a guy can't love us for who we are now? I know someday we'll ALL find someone we can share our hearts and lives with - knowing that he wont hurt us like how some of them guys did. And yes, God's timing's perfect. Take care of the things dear to God, and He'll take care of the things dear to us, remember? (: Love you all, and yes jelly we can have that ANYTIME you want :D really want to thank alll 4 of u for last night, i felt alot better (:

lovee

2009-04-30T18:13:00.003+08:00

I found this and i just had to post it(: Its just so sweet, the way little kids view love(:

-“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy - age 4
-“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica - age 8
-“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann - age 4
-“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine - age 5
-Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said:
“Nothing. I just helped him cry.”

Short update

2009-04-29T21:32:00.004+08:00

My week so far has been good, surprisingly good.
I've been walking close with God(:
And He's been showing me many things. I find it very amazing when the things people prophesize about your life come to pass. The time IS now, the time for change, for victory, for abundance, for rising up to a new level. It's amazing, really. Like when god directs you to a person and you start speaking and the person responds. And it's not your words anymore, the words flowing from your lips aren't from you but from god. Finding yourself uttering things you never thought you would say, learning things from the words you yourself are saying. I think it's a wonderful thing to be used by God in that manner, as a vessel of ministry. Amazing, simply amazing.

Micah7:11
The day to build your walls will come, the day to extend your boundaries.
Amen! (:

Like in amath class the other day, my teacher started talking about prayer and how god is our strength, I got a pleasant surprise, I think we all did. It's all these small little things that god proves to you that He is at work. Mm.

Met up with becks ytd, lunch and heart to heart(: we have affinity with rain. Haha. Studied with jelly afterwards. Schools been fun, despite exams next week. All the hilarious things we do, cme presentations tt are made into complete comedies, gossip n games in reccess, and all the laughter squeezed inbetween. I must thank god for blessing me with such a wonderful bunch of sch friends(:

Okidokie back to my books! Just a short update for now(:

I want to talk to you. To babble about my day and laugh about the simplest things and feel like I'm important and my words matter to you, even if it might not be the whole truth. I can't not talk to you, I think it's in my make up that I can't not talk to you. I have decided to really shut out what everyone else is saying about this and listen to my heart and my heart says,
I miss you

badly

2009-04-26T17:38:00.004+08:00

When you said nothing has or will ever change, you lied.

Which makes me wonder if everything else was a lie.

Obviously.

I was just so blind, i wanted to believe, well, looks like i'm the fool.

The joke's on me now.

_ _ _ _

I feel like i'm drifting from everyone that is ( used to be? ) important to me :/ I still have God though, but i'm not gonna pretend it doesn't bother me, that i don't feel the pinch (understatement) because,

I do.

_ _ _ _ _

The weekend has been crasy, haha.

Lets start with friday, Chryssa Zola Ong's partaayyyeee, hehe. Swimming in our PE, cake, KFC, photos, drama, laughs and gossip, what better way to pass the time? Jenevieve came, my best friend from Sec1 :D haven't seen her in over a year! I think i actually come up to her shoulder now, she's freaking tall please. Anyway, i had a blast (:

Saturday, well, Shana, Esther, Chu and I met with Sis Kim and Sis Esther.

Covenantal friendships. I think we all found it super funny, once they left, we were all rolling on the floor, literally, shaking with laughter. But amidst the hilarity ( irony? since we were doing all tt they talked abt already, and actually we all are from different groups in church ) i found Sis Kim's words to be very true. Mm. When the three of them affirmed me on different things i felt very encouraged, going to make it a point to affirm my friends from now on.

It was funny the way it immediately came into effect, they way we gathered together before service to pray against the restlessness i was feeling, or after service to support chuyi.

And i have this very funny feeling one day the four of us are one day, going to look back and talk about the time where Sis Kim dragged us into Green Room and affirmed this friendship of ours.

Service was powerful, we had a very anointed speaker, who was prophetic to the point it was frightening and the message really spoke to my heart. Mm. Afterwards, fooled around with lynn, shujing, becky and pastor andy, singing and laughing and P factor, haha!

Sunday was a different feel altogether, for service. It was the grads last service, and after service, the whole group of us went high and nuts with the football, me alison and chet singing away, sharman, i mean, sharmain, ( HAHA) terrorizing the guys with her manly skilliozz. Photos with Josie Posie, singing songs for him, him crying, heehee. Then a final farewell jam, with nat on the guitar, singing the difference, counting on god, today is the day, clapping so darn hard and jumping around. Getting

Very

High, ahahah.

Headed off to Serenes for lunch with the whole gang, laughs and chetwin's "moving on!"

This weekend was Bio Marathon. I managed to cover all the chapters except Nutrients and the heart stuff cause MrLow hasn't finished teaching yet.

My MSN is so annoying, won't log me in ): pffft.

-edit-

To my covenantal friendship girls, Shana, Esther, Chu. I KNOW YOURE READING THIS. Especially, esther, one kinddd. Anyway, Press on dearies(: And hang in there in the different situations we're going through and know that we serve a God that is victorious. Know that i've got your backs and know that we can do it:D

To janella, take care of yourself. I know we're not so close anymore, and i guess we both feel :/ about it. I was the anon tagger, im sorry if i came across harsh but i want you to know even though we may not be the best of girlfriends anymore, i'm still here for you.

To becks, I'm here for you. Be strong. You're made of more than you think you are. Talk soon, much to tell you *smooths fringe* HAHA.

To you, Argh, i really want to talk to you like we used to, when we were close(er?) than sisters. I know i'm too demanding sometimes though, you have alot on your plate now, i guess. But even though i see you, just as often as always, i miss you.
And i never used to you know. Miss you as much.
Tell me why?
(cheers to the fact you won't read this)

2009-04-23T16:42:00.005+08:00

It feels like a friday, except it's a thursday.

Its been quite a good week though(: MYEs in 10 days, better knuckle down and get to work (yes i haven't really yet) It feels funny to actually reach home before 3pm, to have the time and energy to actually do things, hah. I feel like doing a dedication post soon, i want to count my blessings(:

Announcement to Churchies, I'M MOVING HOUSE, haha!

No, i'm serious. Don't know where though. I've been living in this place for the past 5 years, its going to be weird moving.

ANYWAY, summing the past four days up

- choir got silver :( They were crying really badly it was scary but then i told it to Priya and Valerie and they said we ( Me and Char, modern dancers) were much much worse! HEH.

-CHINESE DANCE GOT GOLD WITH HONORS!

-Char and sarah went to ucc with cherish and yunhi and saw cute lead dancer remote controller guy from NJC. But according to MsFong, he's attached ): HAHA. I miss MsFong and training alrd! :/

-Free Cone Day with Char and Sarah at Cathay! The queue went all the way up to the next floor and down the staircase, haha. Hannah queued up for 5 minutes at Great World, walau -.-

-I'm lazy to do NAPFA tmr ):

Oh, I did my TAWG yesterday! I've been really procrastinating, worshipping and all on my guitar, but not reading the bible, but i did and God revealed something to me through Isaiah 40:3

A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.

Breakthrough WILL come, God WILL come, even in the driest seasons, the deserts of your life. even in the confusion, the wilderness where you are utterly lost. And you have to know, He will rescue you, but you have to prepare, you have to make way for Him to make it good, because sometimes we're too busy finding our way out of a situation instead of letting Him into it(:

I was walking to school today and i saw this squirrel(?) trying to run across the road. The squirrel looked left and right ( HAHA so cute) and there a number cars, and he still RAN across the road okay-.- He stopped in the middle of the road, there were NO CARS. And he looked to the right where all the cars were stopped by the traffic light and i was wondering, why didn't he run? And then, the torrent cars came again and the squirrel starting running! And then, a car came drove in its path, the squirrel was right under the car but it didnt get squashed, phew.

Which got me thinking, how much i was like that squirrel. When there are cars, i run, when there are no cars, i sit and wonder why there are no cars and miss the chance and nearly get squashed by the next one. When there are a few troubles in life, i run, i press on, i struggle and overcome. And then, so happens i get a break, nothing much going on, and instead of taking the chance to grow, to read His Words and do His Works, be His Hands and Feet, i sit there and wonder why there ain't any problems coming my way. Then when i make the decision to start running again, a huge torrent comes and knocks me down, but by God's grace i stumble but do not fall.

Which got me thinking, how it must be like this to walk close with God, to have Him speak to you suddenly using the smallest things, the common everyday things, like a squirrel.

Which got me thinking, how dumb i must have looked stopping and staring at something inconceivable to the drivers eyes, haha.

Alrighties, I'm going to bake cookies, plainly on whim(:

_ _ _

You don't have to force your smile for anyone; For it's okay to smile...for yourself says:
YOU KNOW WHAT
You don't have to force your smile for anyone; For it's okay to smile...for yourself says:
I THINK I THINK I THINK
ariel(: says:
YES YES YES?
You don't have to force your smile for anyone; For it's okay to smile...for yourself says:
i think....
You don't have to force your smile for anyone; For it's okay to smile...for yourself says:
You should start genuinely smiling. From the inside (:

Thanks shana(:

2009-04-19T17:41:00.002+08:00

there's so many people out there who deserve the care and attention more than I do, so I have to be stronger than this

Am not this dependent, this weak, this reliant.

Am I?

I must be independent

Must not be reliant

on anyone

anymore

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I think i am finally out of tears haha. Argh, but modern dancer 2009 SYFers, you'll always have a special place in my heart, each and every one of you and Mr Soh and Ms Fong, i will always remember everything you taught us. These memories are to capture and to keep.

On Saturday, was jams! Nic Lam leading was hilarious, i sang and laughed at the same time and Alison's expression was that of her usual blur oblivious completely huh? kind of face, haha. FUEL was quite funny as well, quick successions of birthday song renditions from each cell, i bet the leaders were confused haha, it was purely spontaneity.

Service on serving but the SPs were asked to go up for altar call, Brother Titus, i remember his words and the conviction that came along with them

"Lift your head high, Ariel, Lift your head high and walk in the authority given to you by the Father, that you are His beloved daughter and you are loved."

(: Mm. Chatted with Elaine awhile. Realised how little she knows now, or rather how much catching up is needed.

Then headed of for Kinnon's seventeenth, with ShuJing, Lynn, Damien, Teo, Josie, Nat, Mark, Timmy, J Lo, Gavin, Barnabas, and some other heh, my memory fails me! Teo went so high, cheering and dancing (literally! lame moves & bad hip hop) from his orientation it was quite the scary hahaha. Then i guess his highness spread and all of us went crazy on the bus. Reached to the bus stop, and we jay walked across the road and eugene walked across with his arms in the shape of a J -.-

super long walk ehs, and Lester joined us along the way. Reached there, arrival of Giselle, Krys, Dania, Sharmain, PiWei, Hannah. Ate, talked crap, burnt peas and corn and wax-roasted them in the candlelight HAHA. Timmy created a bonfire with it all. Chilled and guitared and yelled along to praise songs until the guard came and told us to turn it down a little heh. Sang Kinnon his birthday song, cake, speech speech speech. Sharmain showed me a little trick and i was so fascinated, we took the balloons and sucked in all the helium so when we talked we sounded like cartoon characters, Gavin's was the ULTIMATE, we had such a laugh.

Left at around 10.30 plus, mm.

My sunday was spent mugging.

Alright, back to Golgi apparatus and your endoplasmic reticulum friends.

Heh. That was a failed attempt of sounding intellectual

AHHHHH I MISS SYF D: